Breast feeding- feeling desperate, emotional and on my own

[VelvetQuilt]

Morning all,

I gave birth 2 weeks ago and had strongly decided that I wanted to breast feed. When our son was born I had to wait 2 hrs to put him to the breast as I was left waiting for a bed bath and was covered in his poo (!) for a while. Once he was put to the breast the first few feeds were of course a real challenge and I had a lot of help from the midwives. After my 2nd night in the hospital (I was in for 2) it was apparent my son was becoming unhappy because I was struggling to feed him and in the end the midwife suggested he have a top up of formula to keep him going while we worked on the breast feeding which of course we opted for-I'd not slept in about 72 hrs and I didn't want him to be distressed. Afterwards he was like a different baby so we decided when we got home to keep going with the formula whilst we tried the breast feeding.

2 weeks on, I've had differing opinions from various visiting midwives who all seemed to think the midwife at the hospital was wrong in the advice she gave, I've had several breast feeding peers to visit and help, my son struggles to latch on properly (although is getting better) and I still find it painful.

I'm constantly swinging between the guilt of wanting to give up and carry on with formula, and wanting to give my son the best I can with breast. I cry at the drop of a hat and we both get frustrated when he doesn't latch on properly and I'm in despair. I just want the very best for him.

Has anyone else been in this position? and did anyone switch to formula? did you get over the guilt? or did you persevere? I've had wonderful support from my husband and mother who has been staying the past few days but would love to hear from other mums.

Thank you.
x

Hello.
I also had some formula in hospital - very similar, baby hungry, not enough milk yet, I was exhausted.
However, I didn't use any formula again once at home.
It sounds like you're getting some good support at home too.
The first 6 weeks are tough and if you get through that time I'm sure it will get easier.
I think one of the problems with using formula at this stage is that it may interfere with getting your milk supply properly established.
Hope it gets easier soon!

Hi Velvet,
Congratulations on your son's birth!
Of course it's entirely up to you but just wanted to reassure you that there is no way one top-up feed will have messed up your supply so you can't feed your son.

My twins were in NICU or 4 days and for 3 days had tube feeds of formula. We still managed to establish breastfeeding and after day 4 they were exclusively breastfed till weaning at 6 months. We went on till 10 months when I had to go on some meds that weren't compatible with bf.

You need to cut right down on the formula if you want to give bf a chance. Cut right down but have DS at the breast all the time for a few days.

One of my DTs really struggled to latch and it was tiring and frustrating. You need to have a few days where you do nothing but sit, feet up, drink tea, eat cake and bf. That will help your supply, and help him relax. Some babies are fussy - it doesn't mean they are not getting enough. Obviously keep an eye on wet/dirty nappies and have him weighed, but it is really common for it to be hard going to start with - but it will be worth it in the end!

Also, if you can, get checked for thrush on your nipples. If they are very red and sore, it could be thrush. You can treat with cansten which you need to wash off before feeds.

Hope that is of some help.

Are you giving him formula at all now, OP?

You say it hurts... a little, medium, a lot? Is there actual damage to you (physically) being caused related to the pain?

I found breastfeeding 2 of mine painful (medium when I was worried, mild when I decided to relax about it) because I have painful letdown -- there wasn't damage done to my aerola or nipples, though, and the pain subsided at about 6 weeks post-partum.

I don't like the advice hospital MW gave you, either, but I think that's bye-the-bye, you are where you are now.

I had terrible support at the hospital and I also ended up ff my baby until I saw a wonderful lactation consultant. Ds could not work out how to latch at all and would just sort of stare at the nipple until she posted it in his mouth. Once he understood he suckled straight away and we have been getting better and better and less and less painful til now it's like second nature to him and me. Still wants the nipple posted though and probably always will ho hum .

Anyway I spent the first week in tears and stressed because of this but it DID get better and I'm so glad I persevered. I really hope you do to.

ps: I have many friends who successfully combi-fed for many months... if it's the only way to keep any breastfeeding going then don't feel bad about it. All of parenting is muddling thru, I'm afraid, never getting it perfectly right but just doing the best you can at the time.

I had massive problems with feeding initially - not sure what else you could have done at hospital that would have helped. my milk didn't really come in so I was told to express and try to feed DD using a cup, which was a nightmare and didn't work. We ended up topping up but same as you, the confusing maelstrom of advice around me meant that I felt upset and worried every time I gave a bottle.

Use lots (and I mean a thick layer) of lansinoh to reduce pain when he's latched on. Try to just let him feed whenever he needs to. Go to a breastfeeding cafe if there is one local to you. Try to find someone you trust to talk about how your feeding is going.

Keep at it if it's important to you. It is incredibly hard but very rewarding once things fall in to place. And I am grateful that we did mixed feeding in the end because it meant someone else could feed her, that I could go out in the evenings occasionally, and that we didn't have later issues with her not taking a bottle . My issues were that my husband and mother didn't understand how bfing worked so were constantly giving conflicting and incorrect "advice" about what I was doing. This is a vulnerable time for you as a mother so you do need to try to find a person who really understands breastfeeding who can help you out.

VQ - please don't feel guilty, you haven't done anything wrong. However, if you keep going with the formula it might be more of a struggle to get breastfeeding established: you need to be putting your son to the breast lots and lots to stimulate your milk supply (though it sounds like you are doing that, as you say his latch has improved). Loads of mums find themselves in your position. Probably most end up formula feeding (given the small percentage of women who are still breastfeeding at 6 months) but some manage to gradually cut down the amount of formula and move on to just breastfeeding, and others happily mix both formula and breastfeeding.

If you would like more advice on the best way forward, whatever you want to do, you could go and post on the "breast and bottlefeeding" board - you could also contact the NCT, who will put you through to a local breastfeeding counseller who might be able to visit you at home.

I second the lansinoh suggestion - you can put it on before and after feeds and it totally saved my nipples. I did still find feeding painful at two weeks (and if your son's latch is only just getting better, I can see why you're still hurting) but by three weeks I was completely pain free.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. The first weeks can be so, so difficult - please don't make it worse by giving yourself a hard time.

Hello VQ and congratulations on your baby!

I wanted to add a slightly different perspective by telling you that there is nothing wrong with the decision to ff if that is what feels right for you and your family. I had bf difficulties with DD1 (outlined below if you're interested) and I really, really needed someone to tell me at some point that I'd done my best, it was ok to consider my needs as well, and there's a lot more to growing a happy, healthy baby that whether you bf or ff. So those are the things I'd like to tell you. It sounds like you're being a brilliant mum who wants the very best for her baby, and I'm sure that will be the case whether you decide to persevere with bf or ff instead.

Here comes a rambly bit about my own story so you know where I'm coming from:

I really struggled to bf my first daughter - she never got the hang of latching on. I had fantastic support: a maternity support worker came to visit nearly every day, I went to bf clinics every other day, HV and MW were all helpful. I got a lactation consultant involved and she diagnosed and treated tongue tie.

BUT DD1 never got the hang of latching on.

I spent 4 weeks expressing every 2 hours round the clock to keep my supply going. I fed her with a finger-feeding syringe (she never got the hang of lapping out of a cup either). (I also had to give some formula as all the amount of expressing in the world couldn't keep up with DD).

She never got the hang of it.

By the time 4 weeks of never sleeping for more than 20 minutes at a time had passed, I has mild agoraphobia, panic attacks and was very depressed. I felt horrifically guilty when I finally decided to 'give up' (as I saw it then) for the sake of my sanity and also that of my DH and DD.

I now wish I hadn't put us all through so much pain. I did not enjoy the first few weeks of DD1's life at all because of the bf issue. Of course breast is best and all that, but the amount of pressure that we can feel to bf is just staggering.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Congratulations - you are doing a grand job. For lots and lots of mummys breastfeeding is wonderful but for lots and lots of others it just isn't. If you can carry on that's great but if it's really really hard and really painful then you don't have to and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Your baby has had the colostrum. I won't go into my breastfeeding stories with ds1 but it wasn't worth the pain or the guilt. What your baby needs is love in spades and I'm sure he's got that already. My ds1 is almost 15 now. Breastfeeding is a very very small part of being a parent and your baby won't remember this. He will remember an early tooth wobbling out, his first real football match, meeting his best friend for the first time and best of all, always having a lovely mummy there for him when things don't work out quite right.

Good luck - with love - do what you really want not what you feel you must and most of all be happy and relaxed about what you decide.

"I wanted to add a slightly different perspective by telling you that there is nothing wrong with the decision to ff "

Actually that's pretty much what I meant too, sorry if it wasn't clear VQ. I'm discovering that it's hard to get the balance right when offering support in this situation! Of course it's fine to ff if that's what you decide (I ff'ed my first daughter and she's outrageously healthy and happy) but if you want to breastfeed you can get help with that too.

Hello there. I just wanted to share my story as I've had two wildly different experiences of BF. I've been in your position.

I had awful trouble with DS who had his jaw dislocated by the forceps and could not latch. We gave up after 10 days as it was more painful for me physically and emotionally than childbirth. I had no support from midwives who just shrugged their shoulders and told me to 'stick with it'. No one bothered to check why it was that he could not latch and would just fall off all the time. I eventually went to a cranial osteopath who worked it out straight away, clicked his jaw back in and he was fine after that. Unfortunately, I'd given up and moved onto formula by then. I was too traumatised to go back to BF (and no one bloody told me that I could have gone back with a bit of perseverance and support. I didn't even know BF counsellors existed. Shocking.

Anyway, when DD came along I was determined to get it right this time. DD was a complete pro, knew exactly what to do and I EBF for 14 months.

I did give up and FF DS, who at nearly 4 now is a healthy, happy little boy. I still feel guilty that I didn't BF him past 10 days, though I was in such a bad way with it all it was the best thing I could have done as it was so traumatic (both nipples were very damaged - I had to shower my breast pads off as they were as bloody as my sanitary towels ). FF was best for him.

I would gradually cut back on the FF, if you want to persevere with the BF. I would have a few days, as others have suggested, where you just spend lots of time having skin-to-skin and feeding as much as you can to up your supply. Have you tried having a bath together? That can help as you're both relaxed and it's easier for LO to latch on.

Have you got Lansinoh cream? That was fab. Also, you can get silver nipple shields that aid healing in between feeds. I would also recommend a cranial osteopath. I took both my kids and they are amazing. It's not new-age stuff, they are osteopaths who are trained to trained to work on newborns.

I think I would say that you should try not to feel guilty if FF is the best thing for your both. But I would make sure I'd tried all the routes before hand before I made that decision.

Hope that helps.

Just to add my story into the mix! I really struggled with BF with my ds. It continued to be excruciatingly painful, for the 8 weeks that I managed. I attended a breastfeeding clinic and they did help but when I got home, it all went wrong again! It got to the point where at 2am DS was screaming, I was crying and my poor DP started getting dressed to go to the 24 hour Sainsbury's to get formula. I screamed "No!" at him, "I HAVE to breastfeed!" to which he replied "go on then!", me "I Can't!" and so on. I eventually had to give myself permission to give up and I felt incredibly guilty for a long time. I did manage to express for a while after to combi-feed, but he was exclusively FF from about 12 weeks. As another poster has said we all know that "breast is best" but I think it's more important to have a relaxed atmosphere and our house was far from that when I was breast feeding! As I say it took me a while to "forgive myself" as it were, but he's now 6 and a half, and is rarely ill. I really hope you manage to continue feeding him (lots of great tips and advice from other posters!) but if you don't and you decide to stop, please forgive yourself and enjoy your little boy!

Just to add to this too: for a variety of reasons (including difficult birth/c-section/bad support by midwives) I FF my baby from birth, even though I wanted to breastfeed her. I very quickly lost the guilt when I saw how much my baby was thriving on FF - she was a happy and healthy baby and is a happy and healthy (cow's milk-fed) toddler. My DH was also able to feed her during the nights too as my baby was on a bottle.

If breastfeeding doesn't work for whatever reason for you, please do not feel guilty. Your baby will be fine.

Honestly, your experience is so common! I breastfed my children but I really struggled to do it- and tiredness makes it all so much harder.

Just a thought, are you drinking tons of water? And eating enough? I found with my twins that I was not drinking and eating anywhere near enough as I was so busy - so with DD3 I drank water by the gallon. I found feeding a lot less painful the more hydrated I was.

Worth a try maybe. Good luck whatver you decide and please don't feel alone in this - I think a lot of women struggle with breastfeeding particulary in the early days when you don't know how much they are getting/whether you are doing it right etc and when you feel stuck to the sofa 24 hours a day!

Yes I had this experience, blistered nipples, the lot. I gave up totally at 11weeks and supplemented with bottles from 3 weeks.
I really believe breast is best but am pregnant on my 2nd and have to say if the early weeks are as bad i am going to go on formula quicker.

Some women are much stronger but I just couldnt hack it. I swear I was going mad!

How are you doing, VelvetQuilt? Been thinking of you - not least every time I'm tempted to chuck in bfing and give DD some formula!

Thank you ALL so much for your support,

I've been a little tied up with my little one in the past few days but now he's taking a nap I've a little time to respond :)

It has been a rollercoaster 2 weeks, absolutely exhausting (as expected) and made worse with the dilemma I've had as to whether or not to continue with the breast feeding and I have pretty much come to a decision. I say "pretty much" because I'm still working through the guilt slightly and to say I've completely decided implies I'm certain in my decision...which I'm not. Anyway, we have been combination bottle feeding, normally 4 bottles of expressed breast milk a day filled out with formula for the rest for the past few days and it's been going well. I'm just filled with sadness that, eventually, my breast milk will run out and I'll have to accept that and stick to formula feeding. I have, however, come to terms that I have done the best I can for him during his first few weeks, he fed as much as we both could stand (although he still roots at my breast which breaks my heart and makes me think perhaps I should try again) and has got the best nutrients and anti-bodies he can from me.

I've been seeing a breast feeding peer regularly who has been to visit us at home to watch and help, more often than not he's too sleepy to try or he does it perfectly, yet when she leaves it all goes to pot again. His latch is just so hit and miss, it can be almost perfect (apart from making my nipple look like a lipstick) and the next he keeps slipping off or just sucking the nipple which is crippling as you know.

So there we are...still not quite commited to my decision...I sometimes think perhaps we'll give it another try-if nothing else but to keep the milk coming in so I can express for longer...then other times (like 3am when he's woken up for the 3rd feed of the night) I see my husband sat up with him and bottle and I feel glad I'm not trying to suckle him when I'm tired and sore and the only one who can do it.

I just wish the health professionals I've come across were a little more supportive in terms of looking at MY personal well being too-so much focus is on the health of the baby (and of course it should be) but having suffered from a period of depression for a short period before I fell pregnant I could see myself going the same way had I not told myself to get a grip.

Hearing your stories and made me realise I'm not alone, not a failure and just because I'm ff my baby doesn't make me a bad mother (or anyone else that does for that matter).

xxx

Wow - VelvetQuilt - what a story! You know four bottles of milk a day is great! How many ozs? You've def. got milk lol! And there is no reason that your milk will eventually run out! So its basically up to you . You can gradually reduce the amount of formula, feed more often and see if your supply catches up, which it should. Just putting him to the breast for longer should encourage more milk production. And removing the milk frequently and effectively will also encourage more milk to be produced.

I had really sore nipples, including a crack, for a while, and it is just my opinion, but I found that as his mouth got bigger and I recovered, I got better at making sure his latch was good ALL the time. He stopped slipping off etc etc and breastfeeding actually became easy! What I am saying is that if you want to carry on you can - your situation is not unmanageable at all! You are only two weeks in! It'll be so so different in even two weeks from now. And what about in 3 months! You'll be in a totally different place! You will just keep recovering, gradually gradually until eventually it'll be a breeze! (well, kind of ). Like I said, entirely up to you - you can carry on combination feeding too if you like, surely, as long as you encourage milk production and ensure it is removed effectively and frequently. To make more, you just have to do this more. (as I understand it!)

i just want to 2nd what Ruby said, if you can continue as you are you will probably find he'll get bigger, stronger and therefore better and latching on and feeding. And you might find you can drop the bottles a bit if you want to. Really hope that it all goes well no matter what you choose.

Just wanted to add my story, as I have two sides.
Dd1 was breast fed only, even after a slow start, was lazy and wouldn't latch on properly in the 1st few days but we stuck with it and never looked back, in fact she hated btls.

Dd2 breast fed totally until 3wks when I became ill with dvt and ended up in hospital for 2wks, baby couldn't stay with me as I was not allowed to move for a week, so dh had to look out to her so btl feeding it was. I tried to breast feed her as well and managed to till 6mths as I felt guilty because I couldn't provide for her as I did her sister.

Now on no3 a ds who is being a nightmare with his feeding even though it started off good, he lost quite a bit of weight and being that he was small to start with it wasn't good, our mw was very supportive and encouraged us to expressed the rest of the breast as he didn't get the fatty bit of the milk to top him up using a spoon/cup and then a btl. He still mucks about when feeding and it gets frustrating at night especially but will get there he's nearly 3wks now and I'm hoping it might all settle down.

Try not to feel bad/ guilty about it sometimes needs must and if it works for you. The media doesn't help thrusting breast is best all the time we know it is but sometimes there isn't any other option.