Please talk to me about your MIL feuds....... And coming out the other side........(LONG!)

[MrsMc82]

I had THE biggest go at MIL today......... FIL told me to get out the house it was that bad - am massively embarrassed and so cross with myself for loosing my rag. - BUT if I'm honest I meant every word (oh dear!).........

Background (briefly?) Is that its been brewing since DS was born (8mo).... we never really saw them that often before but now we've had ds she expects us suddenly to have this amazing relationship and want to see them every weekend.........

She upsets me pretty much every time we've seen her, and tho its fairly usual MIL stuff it really hurst; always criticising how I look after him, what I feed him (apparently homemade from scratch food isn't good for babies????), what toys I give him,everything........ they became very overpowering when he was first born but were too selfish to consider fact we needed to rest, bond, have time to selves, never lifted a finger to help us if they came over and then had paddy and hung up on DH when he asked them to change the time they were visiting one day as apparently MIL doesn't get up before 11am on a weekend......yes, she wanted to see her new gc but to make it worse my parents were the complete opposite, telling us to tell them to back off if we needed to, hoovering/washing/feeding us if they came round ect.

I can't let it go and always feel very upset when think about the hassle she caused in first few weeks of DS's life and have stewed on it for ages......

Also PIL bought the house we live for us and we rent off them - this was done as an investment to give them a monthly income from their investment and have done tenancy agreement etc but they still think that they've done a massive favour for us and frequently try telling us that they don't make money from it (despite us doing it up at our expense, hubby re-wiring it all etc) - biggest mistake I've ever made mixing family with finances......... We could have rented a house privately and not have been living in an unfinished house for the last 10months........

So all this built up and is in my head when we visit today, as usually is when we visit and I think "well I'll just try and explain to her calmly and she'll feel bad fior upsetting me and apologise and then we can move on"........ Bad idea...... I started to say I'd like to have a bit of a chat about some things that make me feel awkward when we go to their house and FIL say something along lines of "well I thought we've done everything we can for you and we bought the house for you........." And I just snapped!!! Shouted about how it isn't a massive favour and he makes money from us and he should be grateful that dh has done all that work for him for free........and anyway my problem isn't with the house its with MIL...... And doesn't she remember what a lazt f-ing bitch she was when ds was a week old and rah rah rah rah with a lot of swearing.

It was appalling way to behave and DH is so angry with me........

Can safely say I don't think they want to see me ever again, which understandable...... But feel so sad as DS is getting christened in few weeks and how do I explain to him why nan and grandad didn't come to his christening when he's older and why mummy doesn't go to nans house........ I didn't consider him at all when I was shouting at them

Urghhhhh just don't know where I go from here - any advice???

Its a shame you shouted and swore because it sounds like the points you were making were right, and delivered in a calm way they possibly might have hit home, and your IL's have changed a bit for the better. Probably the fiery method of delivery might have distracted them a bit from truth of your words?

The main thing is though; is your DH furious with you? What you mustn't allow to happen is for the IL's to drive a wedge between you. DH's family have tried this with me, and better than fighting back, I've discovered, is just ignoring it and never being unkind about them to DH, so he has drawn his own conclusions and we now see loads less of them but that was his decision and I don't need to be blamed by either side, iyswim.

How has your DH reacted?

Sorry, I see you said that your DH is so angry with you (don't know how I missed that on first read through )

You need to apologise to him. Say you know you were wrong and that you shouldn't have and really don't want to interfere in his relationship with his parents, and acknowledge that if he did something similar with your family you'd be really upset.

And then be as nice as pie about them for aaaages (years) and bite your lip and rise above it when they're horrid, whilst at the same time not opening yourself up for being walked all over by them.

DH has been calm, told me that he's really angry with me for speaking to them like that and putting him in that awkward situation but that he knows where it came from but can't believe I exploded like I did.......

I'm bloody lucky to be fair to him, can't even contemplate how I'd react if dh ever shouted at my parents.........

ikwym, I am so annoyed with myself that I lost it instead of having an adult conversation about it........ It coukd have worked and I could have been 'the bigger person' but actually now no matter how awful she been in the past I'll always be the bad guy......... so stupid of me.........

I can't let this come between me and dh, he's my world and would be losyt without him and ds, so am going to have to learn to not bitch about PIL to him........ Though sadly I'm not sure I'd make him draw his own conclusions in a negtive way about them, he always wants to give them a chance............ Wed not seen them for 6 weeks and hed started to forget how they are and feel guilty that we've not seen them for weeks.......

Like you, I have a loving and close wider family. I think this makes it harder for people like you and I to deal with the IL's, we're not used to having to defuse fraught family situations, and its so confusing to realise that our DH dose not get the unquestioning support that we've grown up with.

You mustn't let your IL's dictate anything to with your DC, but do learn to bite your lip when they spout rubbish, and smile sweetly while ignoring it.

Glad your DH is calm. Continue to be apologetic and he'll get over it. Remember that men often don't bear grudges against those they love as they're so good at compartmentalising; this works for you (in that he'll quickly forgive you and forget about it) and against you (in that he'll quickly forgive his parents each time and forget about it.

Do you think a note to your IL's to say you're sorry for losing your temper and the bad language (carefully worded so you don't apologise for the point you were making) would do any good? At least maybe suggest it to DH to show how abject you are...

Another tip - find someone "safe" in RL who will not gossip about it or mention it to your DH, to sound off to about the IL's. (I use my mum) Make all your complains and moans to that person instead of DH.

if they really are a nightmare, and you truly believe you are right, then leave it. I;m sure you will come to some unsaid uncomfotable existance in the long term.

but what you have done is this.

you have said very loudly - back the fuck off i;m alpha female in MY family, not you grandma.

and sometimes thats needed

Thanks checkmate, your so right about not being able to understand dh's family, I've never been able to understand them and dh's relationship with them as its just miles apart from what I have with my family...... And what you say abou men compartmentalising is spot on about dh too..........

Custardo, guess I'm willing to come to an unsaid uncomfortable civil-ness with them for ds and dh's sake but I don't think they'll forget this in a hurry (even if it wasn't the right was to go about it to say the least)

Half thinking of a note of apology to them but when I'm calmer as I'm still thinking "well they bloody drove me to it".......... So still not at my most rational today........

I totally sympathise with you, had the same with my mother in law and mostly my sil's when dd1 was born. It got so bad that I exploded at 5 months (weeks before DD was due to be christened funnily enough) and weeks before xmas. It was one particular issue but I remained as calm as possible and didn't bring up all the other things.

DP was angry at his family but couldn't believe I had said anything and I then had a go at hime for sitting there for 5 months allowing all the comments etc and not saying anything. If it had came from him first then maybe it wouldn't have got that far.

I think after that the comments etc stopped, I refused to apologise to the family for the outburst (as I was totally in the right) but made sure DP went to speak to his sisters to make sure there was no awkwardness for him. To this day he swears he did not apologise on my behalf and if I ever found out differently there would be hell to pay.

BUT, I'm sorry it got to that and glad I bit my tongue on the other issues as we eventually just sort of let it slide and then I fell pregnant with DD2 and for some reason things are great this time round, in fact I couldn't do without my MIL. One SIL has since had DC1 and is having problems with her in laws so has actually apologised to me!

I think what I'm trying to say in all this is yes write a note but apologise for the way you put your point across and that you respect them more than that etc but that you still feel that they should allow you and DH to raise DS the way you feel fit.

For the sake of DH and DS you need to acheive some sort of relationship with your ILs.

But I'd also ask DH to take some responsibilty in all this, they are his parents so some of the grievances with them would be better coming from him.

Hope some of that helps.

My MIL is ghastly. Absolutely vile. I can sympathise a great deal. However, in my house my rules stand. Simple reason - it is our house paid for with our money and we have not accepted (or for that matter been offered) a single penny from either side of our families. You need to apologise fast and you and DH need to move out of their house and start paying rent to someone else.

Well done for holding it together and posting a message and not throwing the computer at imaginary MIL head. Sorry if humour not welcomed. I just posted MIL issue and then read yours and really feel for you.

Talk to hubby fast even if you have to cry and stress emotional time just want everyone to get on, etc. Win him back over.

Then I suppose it damage control and agree with other respondent ( sorry not put name down) that you probably got out everything you needed to say but maybe not in the right way.

Really important re christening that they are there, obviously DH is dealing but something has to come from you i think

You could avoid her completely and let DH deal, or could you speak to FIL and xplain how appalled you are at language would like to etc etc.

Could you face speaking to her not to worry if you can't, but maybe a quick meet on neutral ground and apologise for the manner of your delivery.
Lots of look I am disgusted with language I used just wanted or was so upset came out the wrong way.

not sure if this is helping.

I supposes its getting through this together in the best possible way and then making sure the outburst is with friends and on here and then with other issues speak it through because your argument sounds so right to be angry with her them etc but so sorry if came out the way it did, only for you not for her polite ears.