Fellow Attachment Parents - support please

[bobthebaby]

Please post if you wear/sleep with/breastfeed your babies until they wean and generally have a child centred approach to parenting. I want to feel normal just for a small while, to counteract the MIL giving me the "rod for your own back" talks and those "oh, you are innocent but you will learn the error of your ways" looks.

Not to mention the auntie (a Karitane nurse, which is a bit like a Maternity Nurse in the UK I think) who has never met ds but still rings up and says he should be on solids, formula etc.

My own mum tolerated my style for a while, but now ds is getting to 6 months she is pressuring water at night, use the pram more etc.

My other antenatal class buddies all seem to want their bodies back (give up bf) their lives back (get in a baby sitter and go out) and some sleep (controlled crying). I don't feel like this at all.

Send good vibes please.

Back of a little, aloha, please! btb was quite open that she wanted support from people who think along the same lines, not that she was opening a debate.

Hi JimJams,
I live in Christchurch, went to Dannevirke once in the rain.

I liked Christchurch. My grandmother was from Wellington but lived in Aukland as well. Various family member have lived in NZ at various times. We have quite a few kiwi accents in the family (all living in the UK now though)

Dannevirke's not very exctiing is it? Probably even less so in the rain..... (I had lots of rain, lots of wind and even some snow)

Hi thought you might be interested by the following link www.babycentre.co.uk/bbs/553931/ as they are having a discussion on the same topic. I B/F my DS until he decided to quit at 14 mths he's now 20 mths. For the first six weeks I slept in his room as my DH smokes and didn't want to risk it! I know neurotic mum...but hey ho! He can now climb out of his cot so usually arrives in our bedroom about 4am! Tried carrying him back to his room/cot without success so decided it was easier to just snuggle up with him What makes me chuckle is he walks straight past DH side of the bed which is nearer the door and usually announces his presence by tapping me on the arm :0

Well, I don't much care for being called cruel, boyandgirl. And I think that threads are open to all on Mumsnet.

I don't understand all this, I fed my daughter when she was hungry, rocked her to sleep when she was tired and cuddled her all of the time - I let her sleep whenever and whereever and she is remarkably sensible and happy (other than the custody thing).

I think there has to be a balance somewhere and I really think that having a baby almost attached to you for a period of time could be bad for other relationships which are just as important to a child (you and your partner for instance). I do not know as I did not do this with my daughter but would also be worried about them being clingly and this in turn meaning they are not good at socialising later in life.

But on the other hand I could not do controlled crying - my DD just used to cry herself to sleep and then sob whilst she was asleep - it upset me too much.

But whatever makes you and your child happy is what you do I suppose.

Is baby wearing where you carry your baby around all the time - don't think this would be too good for you at all - in terms of back and joints etc.

All sounds a bit strange to me???

got to just back up aloha here, this is a discussion website. aloha was not being insulting or citicising btb just stating an opinion.

boe- AP is a philosophy started by Jean Liedloff who worked as an anthropologist in the Amazon. Her book the continuum concept is an interesting read, but like many parenting opinions probably a bit too much if taken to extremes (and after all we don't live in the Amazon). However for some people (myself included with ds2) it makes a welcome change to the put baby down at such time, leave to cry, pick baby up at such time approach.

Like most things I think we just need to do it our way. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else surely it shouldn't be anyone else's business.

Dd still gets into bed with us (she's 4) usually in the mornings but if she's had a bad dream or is sleep walking then it can be earlier, if it wasn't for the amount of space she requires I'd be happy all night long.

Ds from very early on even though he was bf didn't want to be in our bed and slept better in his cot right next to our bed. When we moved his cot into his own room he didn't mind.

Every child is different as is every parents approach. I couldn't stand to let my children cry, I still cuddle my dd until she falls asleep, my ds is still rocked and sung to sleep. But I enjoy taking time out and just doing these things for myself as much as for them.

Of course all threads are open to everyone, but if someone asks for support then that's what we shoudl be giving them.

Bobthebaby, I'll shut up about this now.

hey, I think everyone should parent in the way that best suits them and their child. I am not a huge fan of following gurus or books in their entirety and I think each method seems to be as intolerant of non-followers as the next. AP gurus/followers can be pretty critical of those who don't think it's the best or only way to go - even to go so far as to call other parents cruel, for example. If your problem is with your pushy MIL, you'll get lots of support for that. We've all got those. What I don't understand is why anyone needs a thread for other people to tell them they are doing the right thing when they obviously believe very strongly that they are and are happy and enjoying themselves. So your friends parent in different ways - of course they do, they are different people. I don't suppose they demand you do the same as them, do they? I mean, saying they want a babysitter is hardly a full-on attack on anyone else, is it? I think everyone, no matter what their parenting style gets told they are doing it wrong by someone. My god, you should see the old Gina Ford threads! In my circle of friends, people do all sorts of things, but just about everyone had a babysling at some point, have had their baby in bed with them at some point and most breastfed. None of it seems abnormal or even usual to me.

Haven't read all this thread but am sorry, am laughing to myself about the term baby wearing. A wry laught at me, not at anyone else, btw.

When I had my babies I did a bit of everything on the parenting front.

As each of my baby sons grew bigger I still carried them a lot. I just found it easier for them and for me. As they became toddlers I gave them piggybacks or rather they made me give them piggybacks: my youngest son, nearly 4, is very agile and entwines himself around me. When I'm standing still and unaware and he climbs right up me to position himself. He uses my knees and hips for footholds. Or if I carry him frontwise for a minute he twists himself round till he is on my back or on my shoulders. OK I have ways of nicely shaking him off (not literally) but sometimes I feel like he calls the shots, not me.

So babywearers be warned, you might end up wearing a toddler.

What's the fashion in toddlers this season, tigermoth? Are they wearing them long or short?

Aloha; For the record, I never said you were cruel, I said we disagreed on what was cruel in one instance. Anyway we could argue the semantics all day. The bottom line is that I upset you and I apologise.

Thanks boyandgirl for your support, and Boe for your questions about using a sling. So far I'm bearing up well with the weight. My partner uses a front pack at lunchtimes and weekends. Other family members just carry him for short periods in their arms. As for the developmental, well even though he doesn't spend that much time on the floor he is meeting his milestones for turning over etc. It's too soon to say if he will turn out clingy, has anyone else got an experience to share here?

Thanks Tigermoth, its good to know what I am letting myself in for.

Hadnt heard of the term-attachement parenting, but coslept with my children after reading the deb.jackson book "3 in a bed", mainly because DS1 was the baby from hell who slept not at all during the day and only if in our bed at night. Have ended up with ds2 (6) coming into our bed by about 1am 6 out of 7 nights, and dd (4) in by about 12 7/7. Had to buy a king sized bed. Cant do the controlled crying thing so sympathise there and if you can bear children in your bed then its up to you what you do really.

bob- I think clinginess comes more from within iykwim rather than anything you do. Some are clingly some aren't but I think it has far more to do with personality. Pulsatilla can work wonders with a clingy baby- especially a clingly ill baby.

Apology accepted bobthebaby. I agree with Jimjams, I think personality is very much inherent. My ds is pretty laid back and that helps make me a more laid back parent. I don't have any rules at all with him (except no biting or hitting) and that works for me. I do like him to go to bed so dh and I have time together. Surely if you co-sleep you all have to go to bed at the same time or the baby would just fall out of bed. But babies need much more sleep than adults so how does that work?

BTW, dh is out tonight hence still working/posting

aloha- in our case with ds2 he would start the night in his cot. Wake at about midnight and come into bed with me or me and dh. Dh used to sleep in the spare room a lot. I did eventually decide that I wanted him in his cot and now he loves being there and will not sleep in our bed (just wants to play). I did used to love that snuggly down time with him. I think the main reason I didn't really do that with ds1 is that I was more paranoid. I wanted him on his breathing monitor mat thing and so I always put him back in his cot, but then he wasn't ill like ds2 was in his early weeks.

I've been lucky though in that both boys have been incredibly laid back and easy.

Hi, Thanks Aloha. ds goes to sleep in his cot and when he wakes up for the first time he comes in with us and stays there. For day sleeps he either goes in the sling or his cot or a mixture of the two. My husband likes having him in bed (in fact it was him that suggested it)as he was only spending about an hour a day close to him. I didn't think our bed would be big enough initially, but then I got used to sleeping with a baby in my armpit.
ds was not a laid back baby at all, and is still quite wriggly and squirmy, but keeping him close has dramatically reduced the crying. I'm not sure I would have gone to all this effort for a laid back baby. I think we've just done what we need to do for this one, I didn't even realised that attachment parenting existed until I came upon a book about it and thought "that's us". dh never read it - so he's going on instinct.
Unrelated to this I saw a TV programme once and a preschooler was listing the family rules. They also had no hitting and no biting, but my personal favourite was "no throwing suitcases in the hall."

I'm new to mumsnet, hope I don't offend anyone! I have 3 children all under 5. I have never read many childcare books (I find they make me paranoid that I am not doing the right thing) However, from reading all the mumsnet posts, I realise I have taken very different approaches with my different children.

My eldest liked being in a sling all the time, so that is what happened - round the house, doing the ironing, whatever. She also slept with us quite often. When she was about 6 months she started needing naps at set times during the day, so she got them.

My second just preferred lying down to being carried round - obviously she liked cuddles, but also time on her own. However, she never needed such a strict nap routine.

My third is still a smallish baby, and is easy going, so tends not to be carried round in a sling, but in a pram or lies on the floor (under a baby gym), just to give me space to deal with the others. Also he is very heavy.

None have slept full time in our bed, and now the elder two will come in after a bad dream or whatever, and after a short while of being in our bed say 'I want to go back to my own bed now', and do so, even though they are welcome to stay on in our bed if they want.

Surely a child centered approach is what that child requires, not whether you wear your baby or not. If a particular child likes being worn all the time, then that is a child centered approach for it, if it likes having its own space, or set nap times, then to me it makes no sense to insist on it fitting in with other people's notions of what is child centred.

Hi bobthebaby, I am more than happy to send you good vibes. We slept with dd until she was 5 and our ds came along. I do know what you mean by people thinking and commenting you do the wrong thing. My mother-in-law thought I was a freak and that my kids would grow up totally dysfunctional. I banned my health visitor from our house because she made me feel so inadequate that my babies didn't sleep through at 6 months.
For some reason this approach to parenting seems to irritate a lot of people and I don't know why. Whatever works for you and your family I'd say......

Thanks fairy mum, I don't talk about sleep with my hv or mil, but my husband has been dragged into conversations with his Mum. Last night I heard him firmly say "we don't believe in letting him cry, and the only advice we get is to let him cry, therefore we have no useful advice to follow and we will have to do it our way." It was said in a kind way and I was so proud of him. Good vibes received and appreciated.

BTB, I've been living in Indonesia until last month and almost everyone there wears their baby in a 'selendang' - a traditional sling. In fact, it's considered unlucky for a baby's feet to touch the floor until they are 7mths old, so they are held all the time, even when being spoonfed. A cot is called a 'baby box' and almost no one has a buggy because they are too expensive and the roads are atrocious anyway . Babies never seem to cry; in fact, a crying child will provoke baleful looks at the parents who permit their baby to cry!! They are delightfully indulgent towards children and the end result seems to be as far from a 'rod for one's back' as you can imagine, with tantrums and misbehaviour virtually non-existent. I hadn't heard of attachment parenting when my children were babies, but from what I've learnt since, my approach has defintly been more AP than GF. And here are the good vibes you requested ~~~*~