Please come and talk to me about six-year-olds and household chores - what can I realistically expect, and how do I get him to do it?

[ChattyCat]

It's just DS and me, and most of the time, we're happy enough. However, I've noticed lately that I've been feeling resentful about how much I do housework-wise and how little he does, and launching into impromptu guilt-trips and lectures (not pretty) when he won't help me with something that takes five minutes, or needs to be asked six or seven times to pause his computer game to help me for a minute or so - and when he finally does it, he's in a huff. I know he's not a grown-up and I wouldn't expect him to do half of the stuff involved in running our home. But he's a mature six-year-old, and I want him to reliably contribute something, without a fight every time.

A while ago, we talked about this, I made a list of all the jobs I could think of, and we agreed he'd be responsible for six - because he's six - and we'd add another when he's seven, and so on. But that hasn't worked. This morning, I ran around getting a present and costume ready for a party he was going to, stayed with him at said party, then came home and mowed the lawn for 45 minutes, then dug up vegetables, then cooked tea - all while he was flopped on the sofa - and now he's gone to bed and I'm clearing up. Some Saturday night! It doesn't feel fair somehow - although maybe it's just part and parcel of being the lone parent to a small child.

I don't want to raise a chauvinist who won't pull his weight - I want DS to respect me, and to understand that anyone lucky enough to live in a nice home has a responsibility to help run it - but also, I don't want to expect more of DS than is realistic for his age.

So please suggest what I can reasonably ask DS to do, and how I can make encourage him to do it.

Thank you.

I pay my kids to do jobs.

I have read your post fully now and wonder what you expect him to do. He is 6, he can't mow the lawn or cook! There are plenty of things he could do to help though.

What jobs have you alloted him? My gut feeling is that 6 jobs for a 6 y o is too much. I think that expecting a 6 yo to understand that he has a responsibility to help run a home is totally unreasonable!

You can reasonably expect him to put toys away, put dirty washing in the basket and clear a table after a meal.

I have a 6 year old and about a month ago we had a chat about her taking some responsibility for her room.

we made a list together of jobs that need doing. I have fairly low standards so the list is divided into two. Some jobs she does one week and other jobs the next.

the list (roughly) is:

every week: hoover.

Alternate weeks change bed and dust. (I give her one damp duster and one dry duster)

She also has to sort out any clothes/toys/books that are lying around.

I pay her pocket money £1.50 per week for doing the jobs.:)

It takes her a good hour (she is very thorough/particular)

I strictly control computer time, few kids want to stop when you ask otherwise!

I pay 6yo DS to do jobs.
40p: unload the dishwasher (I put away all the glass items)
1p for every 2 dandelion heads he plucks.
2p for each item taken off the clothes line.

Older DC do more risky jobs for money...
40p to scrub a toilet, 20p to peel & chop 2 carrots, that kind of thing.

Also she often takes her dirty plate etc from table to kitchen.

She "helps" with some meal preparation but only because she is interested not because I enforce it.

I also bear in mind that she has to do other stuff that she doesn't like such as reading most nights and one lot of homework per week so I feel that her room duties are enough for now.

I didn't want him to mow the lawn - just to help me clear a few things off the lawn so I could mow. One-minute job. I asked if he'd help dig up the potatoes, if he would help make the pudding we wanted to try tonight, if he'd help clear up the dishes afterwards, if he'd put some toys away with me, etc. No or "In a minute!" (which is pretty much a no) or no response to all of it. I really don't expect him to do much, but I resent it that he won't half-cheerily help at all, without me nagging him - which I hate.

My dad did fuck all - really, not one thing - around the house when I grew up, and I've seen my mum seethe with resentment over it for years. I think I react easily to DS not cooperating - and quickly become my mum in how I respond. So some of this is clearly my issue.

DS's six jobs are things like taking dirty dishes up to the table, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, etc. None of them would happen if I didn't ask him five or six times each time.

If it's an age thing, will it just click at a certain point then?

Yes, I think that at 6 you can reasonably expect him to pick up after himself but not to contribute much in the way of general household chores. On the other hand, if you want him to do something that is within his ability then turn off the computer and MAKE him do it! Don't be a martyr - it is so pointless.

Cross-posted. Thanks for posting. Interesting to see that, generally, it only happens at this age with money as an incentive! I didn't want to go down that road - because no one pays me to do housework, and I think it's just something we all need to learn to do because it's about being responsible and respectful - not for a reward. But maybe that's unrealistic at this age.

Thanks for the ideas.

Mine wouldn't do a lot until I started paying them but tbh it is worth it for me. I don't pay them a lot and they will ask if I am paying them or how much when I ask them to do something but if I say no, they still do it, so win win.

We would probably give the pocket money anyway...partly due to wanting her to learn the value of money. If she wants sweets/a magazine/hairslides then we now make her save her pocket money.

I would work on two little tasks every couple of weeks. With rewards (even if it's just a sticker on a sticker chart) for every day he manages it. DS automatically clears his plate after a meal and puts dirty clothes into the washing basket (well, may 70% of the time at least!) - but I only gave him one new thing every couple of weeks. They also tidy for 10 mins at the end of the day (we prefer one big tidy to lots of little ones!)

Make them jobs that fit into a routine - so he does them before he gets into a computer game. Show me the 6 yo who will pause his game to do some tidying ... I ain't met one yet!

My twins are 6 and put their washing in basket, help set and clear table, prepare meals with me if I can cope with them 'helping' often they want to help more than I want! I don't pay them, but they know we all pull our weight as a family.

My 6 and nearly 5 year olds have to tidy their room every night, they help lay table for dinner, clear table afterwards, fetch pjs for all 4 DCs from upstairs and take dirty clothes to the laundry bin, fetch things for me for the smaller two like nappies and wiped. They also help dust now and again.

TBH honest I think being part of a household menas that you contribute to the household and you shouldnt be paid for that. We wil give the DCs pocket money (whe they raise the issue!) but it will not be dependent on chores.

OP I have a 3 and 5 yr old. They:

Dress themselves and choose their own clothes
Dishes to the sink
Sort their bags (reading books/show and tell) for school
Pick up their toys when asked
The elder runs the bath and the younger stops it (we have a mixer tap on a fixed temp so no risk of burns)
Tidy their room
Put their clothes in the hamper
set the table for tea
Odd jobs when asked (hang out the socks and underwear on their little line, 'wash' the dishes, help with dinner prep)

Sounds like a lot but really, it started when they were at that age of WANTING to help, iykwim?, and now it is part of a routine so they dont question it (YET!! Give it a year or so and I imagine it will be strops galore!!)

So my advice is, set up a routine. i.e. you cook he sets the table, Yes, he will whinge but after a while it will be just how it works..hopefully!! He will get used to it :)

SAme aged kids as Sweetkitty and pretty much same jobs.

They make their beds, keep their room tidy and help tidy the living room at the end of the day. Take their own plates through to the kitchen after a meal and DD1 even hoovered for the first time the other day.

They like to "clean" which in their book is a wet cloth on any surface in view! THey take their own clothes up (either once ironed of folded if not needing ironed) and put them away.

We do run throughout the week a "money pot". They start off with 20p in a pot in coppers. For bad behaviour (not listening, or not doing as asked, tantrums over nothing, hitting etc) they have either 1p or 2p taken away depending on severity, for each "good" behaviour (helping without being asked, being extra kind or nice etc) they have 1p or 2p put in. At the end of the week, if they have more than the original 20p, they get 50p each "pocket money".

also, mine only get computer time for doing chores or homework. Poota time is the ONLY thing that motivates my 10yo to do anything beyond the very minimum.

I have tried fining mine for bad behaviour... it's not very effective. Losing computer time is, though.

ds is 6 and does not get paid for chores
his are
feed and water dog in mornings
pack and unpack his bag before and after school
clear his place at the table
put his clothes away (I put clean folded clothes in his hamper and he tips them into the nearest drawer)
tidy up after himself (a work in progress)
choose and pack most of his lunchbox for the next day (I still make his sandwiches but he will do this from next year