Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

she's 8 and she's a devil child...

15 replies

DeeVille · 05/10/2010 17:15

This is my first post, and I'm so desperate, I hope someone can help! My 8 year old daughter is giving us massive grief - she is extremely bright, and is fantastically behaved at school and if she is at her friends' houses. However, at home, at the flick of a switch, she turns and goes nuts - and we never know what triggers it.

Today, for example, I picked her up from school and all was fine. She started doing her homework and then said she couldn't do it (it was drawing and she could do it easily) and then just went nuts...hitting me, throwing things, shouting, screaming, threatening to run away from home etc.

I just don't know what to do with her, if we put her in her bedroom, she threatens to climb out of the window...if she's downstairs, she goes out of the front door and tries to run away and would actually go if I let her.

When she's not like this, she is great, very loving and affectionate, which makes this wild behaviour even more frustrating.

Anyone got any ideas of what we can do (I know we're clearly doing something wrong, but we've tried all the parenting techniques and nothing seems to work!). Would be great to hear any suggestions, and sooooo sorry for the long post

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Yeeehaa · 05/10/2010 17:38

Get a lock on her bedroom window so you have peace of mind, and she can have time out?

My ds has moments like this, and we have no idea what triggers it.
The only thing that helps is for him to be on his own for a bit to calm down, without us trying to restrain him or talk him round.

ragged · 05/10/2010 17:47

I let 8yo DD run away once.
I didn't even look up as she went out the door. She came back, after about 20 minutes. The novelty wore off as the Big Bad World Zoomed In.

Any Obvious triggers, OP?: too hungry, too tired, not enough sleep, social worries, homework woes, needs glasses but doesn't know that herself...?

Original poster

DeeVille · 05/10/2010 17:47

Thanks, Yeeehaa, trouble is, I don't think we can get a lock on the window as it's one of those sliding kinds (like french doors)...but you're right, it's exactly what i need, somewhere safe where she can go and work it out...Trouble is, there's no where in the house that is suitable!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

DeeVille · 05/10/2010 17:50

Haha Ragged, I let her go the once and she ran so fast I lost her, I was scared witless, and don't think I could cope with that again, lol...

There are no obvious triggers...homework is a biggie at the moment, but then some nights she will just sit and do it no problem. This is what makes it soooo bleedin difficult, I just don't know what it is

OP posts:

FanjoKazooie · 05/10/2010 19:20

Homework can be a great cause of stress, especially for very bright girls who put massive amounts of pressure on themselves to be perfect.

Have you talked with her about it? Maybe a reminder that it is ok not to be perfect all the time and some stress management techniques? Have you talked with school?

pointythings · 05/10/2010 21:55

FWIW if the homework is triggering it I'd say the hell with the homework - what is an 8-yo doing with homework every night, is she at private school? Personally I think children need more time to chill out and less time doing homework, I'd rather they were messing around playing with their stuffed toys at this age than worrying about school.
Perfectionism is a HUGE issue with bright girls, been there myself with DD1. I'd definitely talk with school, she needs to get the message from all sides that hard work is good, perfection is not required - there is such a thing as good enough. It does sound like she had big issues with self-confidence, the perfect behaviour in school/demon child at home thing is very typical.

Original poster

DeeVille · 06/10/2010 05:21

thanks, fanjoKazooie and pointythings, trouble is, she has to do the homework, no choice, but it's a good point about the perfection thing, and i will talk to her teacher. The thing is, it's not only about homework that she gets into this rage-state about, so god knows...I'll just have to keep on going and trying to be calm and not break down in tears every time she does it. Kids, eh!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/10/2010 05:55

Talk to the teacher about the social aspect of school too. Maybe something is upsetting her there. How does she get on with her friends? Is someone being mean to her, excluding her, teasing her or making her feel bad. mocking her lunch, fill in the blank? Or is the teacher a dragon, maybe she picks on children, makes examples, and she feels tense all day, and angry, then comes home and lets you have it both barrels?

jalopy · 06/10/2010 08:22

Sounds like she's under pressure or putting herself under pressure. Is she a perfectionist? Perhaps she doesn't want to fail in some way or make mistakes. Is she your oldest child?

Are they any other things on the home front that could possibly be contributing to her behaviour. What about other siblings? Is she like this with her dad too? I'd also try to get a more detailed picture of what she is like at school.

3littlefrogs · 06/10/2010 08:31

The effort of being perfectly behaved at school all day is exhausting and stressful. It is like being in a pressure cooker, and you are experiencing the inevitable explosion.

She is only 8. Poor kid sounds terribly stressed.

I think you need to talk to her when she is calm, maybe on a weekend and see if you can think of ways to help her deal with it.

ragged · 06/10/2010 11:08

What do you mean there's no choice about doing the homework -- what penalty if it's not done?

3littlefrogs · 06/10/2010 11:41

Is it a private school? If so, and they are very homework focused, would she be better somewhare less demanding?

She sounds terribly unhappy

Original poster

DeeVille · 07/10/2010 08:48

the thing is, she's not unhappy 95% of the time...she has a great time, does loads of activities (things she's asked to do like horseriding etc) and has a wide circle of friends and is popular...this is what makes it hard, it's just that 5% of the time at home when she has a melt down and I don't know how to cope...

anyway, thanks for the advice and support, I think even just talking about it makes me put things into perspective a bit...

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 07/10/2010 15:00

Does she need a little time to unwind, maybe even cut back on the activities? Does she have a routine in between home and school such as going to her room when she comes home, to have some quiet, alone time or to listen to music, just relax and adjust before engaging with the family? Could she walk home from school and get some fresh air into her, put a little interval between her school and home personae so it's not all too much change too fast?

BosomsByTheSea · 07/10/2010 15:05

My older brother was just like this at the same age. He once chased me upstairs and I had to lock myself in the loo to stop him from taking his anger out on me as he was so cross I had disturbed him while he was doing his homework. He was also a real perfectionist.

My parents just let it ride, let him let off steam when he needed to , didn't pressure him (he did that enough himself).

He's very happy and successful now - quite a high flier

Flip