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Help me deal with toddler negativity

16 replies

latrucha · 04/10/2010 18:13

I've got a DD 2.9. She's a lovely little girl, very well behaved and funny. At the moment though, although we get on well most of the time I'm finding her very difficult to be with and very irritating. I really, desperately need some strategies for coping with this.

She says 50 times a day about everything, 'I don't like it,' 'I don't want it', 'I can't do it.'

If you take her to a playground she will not do anything for herself. If she wants to climb I have to ghold her hands and do it. Ditto for every other thing you could think of in a playground 100% of the time we are there.

If I try and play with her, the moment the thing she wants is set up, I have to do everything while she sits doing nothing. She will not be encouraged to do anything. She simply says, 'I don't want it' and asks for something else. Ad infinitum.

If I ask if she wants to go out she says yes but she does not want to go to any of the places we can go to (except the shops, where she tantrums if I don't buy her what she wants, which I don't generally).

If I were to permanently entertain her and expect her to watch me like a TV she would laugh but I'm not prepared to do it.

If I do something else while she is in the same room, she brings me a sucession of things to do. If I do any of them, sshe instantly loses interest.

She has always loved her bath, now she hates it.

Don't get me started on mealtimes.

All she really wants to do is shop and watch TV and it is driving me bonkers .

God I'm ranting and she is normally great company but I just can't stand it anymore.

I do have a three month old DS, which pronbably explains a lot of it. I still need a new approach to try.

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loler · 04/10/2010 18:54

Sounds like she's after your attention (and getting it!). This book saved my sanity.

Hope things get better but with a 3 mnth old I would think tiredness on your part is playing a big role!

latrucha · 04/10/2010 19:32

I saw that book in the library today.

What I don't understand is that she does get lots of positive attention from me but now sheseems to just want to be negative. I thought children sought negative attention if they weren't getting positive attention, not if they were.

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loler · 04/10/2010 20:10

With a new addition to the household everyone has got to get the pecking order sorted out again - from what you've said it sounds as if she's trying to stamp her authority over everyone. She's not being good with her timings as you have got to be hormonal and tired, so not too good at coping with it all.

Really is a very good book and explains lots of different things not just the positive attention thing.

Things really will get better with dd (just wait for ds to start Wink)

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latrucha · 04/10/2010 20:15

I'll take a trip into town tomorrow and have a look at it.

Unfortunately for DD, at the moment DS is a little angel. She watched me bath him today, obviously hoping he'd cry (as she had done in that deliberate way of making themsleves cry toddlers have) but all he did was gurgle and coo. Poor DD. I even sometimes pretend to tell him off so she doesn't feel singled out.

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simpson · 04/10/2010 20:59

TBH this sounds just like M although M wants to do everything herself (even stuff thats not safe iyswim)

I have tried reasoning with her "no you cannot wear your pink sandals because its cold/raining" "you need to go in buggy because its too far for you to walk" etc...which has not worked at all

This morning I just said a firm "no" and said no more dispite screaming/thrashing on floor (from her obv. Grin)and this did seem to work better...

Although I am sure this will all change tomorrow Hmm

latrucha · 04/10/2010 21:12

I do the firm no. She does respond to it but I feel I'm saying it way too much (because it works).

I just feel I need some new strategies. Ignore doesn't work with her. Distract used to wrok but doesn't. Time out does but I don't want to use it all the time.

Hence, I have bought Playful Parenting today on Amazon, although I have the feeling it's going to make me want to fling myself out of a top floor window.

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MrsJohnDeere · 04/10/2010 21:18

LOL welcome to my world! Ds2, 2.7, is going through a phase of disliking everything. All day long he says 'I don't like it [insert name of thing being discussed]'. (I don't even have a newborn to explain this behaviour).

Today we've had:
I don't like it, trousers
I don't like it, coat
I don't like it spider socks
I don't like it, any other socks
I don't like it, bananas
I don't like it, lunch
I don't like it, car seat
I don't like it, car

etc. etc, all day long.

simpson · 04/10/2010 21:22

Mrsjohndeer - LOL my DD was even saying to me today "I don't like my lunch" whilst shoving as much of it in her mouth as possible...

Hmm
latrucha · 04/10/2010 21:33

At lunch time today, she managed to say, 'I don't like it,' before I finished saying, 'it's time for lunch.' Sigh.

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simpson · 04/10/2010 22:17

PMSL Grin

You gotta laugh otherwise you would cry!!

pigleychez · 04/10/2010 22:43

My DD is 2.2 yrs and everything is currently 'no'.
Everything you asl her to do is No. I really wish she would listen to what im saying before saying No as sometimes its for her benefit.. ie Would you like a biscuit? 'No' then a few seconds later we have tears causes she realised what ive said i does want one!

The really annoying thing about it is that she says No but at the same time as shes doing what im asking. Its like an automatic response.
Prime example- Eating dinner, Can you eat some more please, 'No' whilst scooping up a spoonful and eating it! Or Can you put that puzzle away please, 'NO' whilst putting a piece in a box! Very frustrating.

I tend to just ignore it but some days it really does grate!
I have a 4mth old DD so can really relate to you on how its something you could really do without! :)

HeathcliffMoorland · 04/10/2010 22:48

I feel your pain! When DS was that age, he behaved similarly.

I may get flamed for this, but ignoring worked for me.

If one of my children is genuinely upset about something legitimate (i.e. pain and the like), then I will always be comforting and kind. I will not respond similarly to whinging.

If DS didn't want to go in the bath, I'd just put him in and chat away cheerfully ('isn't this lovely?', etc.). If he was being bossy, I wouldn't pander.

If he cried when he didn't like what was on telly, I'd simply ignore.

If he said 'don't like it' about something like a coat, I'd simply pretend he hadn't said anything.

I always gave loads of attention to positive statements.

This made things easier for me too, as I didn't personally want to focus on the negative - parenting is hard enough without it!

DS seemed much happier for it within a week, and things only improved.

latrucha · 05/10/2010 10:35

That sounds good Heathcliff.

I do generally jolly things along but I do remember a time when, if I were in a sticky situation, I'd be able to think of three or so ways out of it. I feel like I've run out of steam a bit.

Last night's response to, 'I don't like it' at dinner was to say, 'Well, you don't seem to like anything so let's eat this.' She is refusing to feed herself at the moment (reaction to baby I believe which I am accomodating because there are opther food issues and this one seems less important) and she opened her mouth and swallowed easily enough, but it's pretty joyless!

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HeathcliffMoorland · 06/10/2010 20:11

I understand. It really is no fun. And having a tiny baby too doesn't make it easier at all.

DS had some food issues too... even before DD2 was born (thankfully DD1 has been fine), he went through a phase of wanting to be fed. As with everything else, I firstly explained that big boys feed themselves. If he got cross or threw a tantrum, I ignored (as with other things). I left his food within reach. He never let himself go hungry Grin. Even if it took a few hours, he wasn't going to starve.

This approach isn't for everyone, and may not work for everyone... just sharing my experience! You have my support.

GibbyS · 08/10/2010 21:05

I would suggest nor asking her questions unless absolutely necessary, so there is less opportunity so say "No!" Also, active listening can defuse things, so if she says "I don't like it", say "You really don't like it!" ie you are showing that you have heard her feelings (useful with teenagers too!).
Letting a toddler revert a bit to babyhood when there is a new baby is ok - they won't stay like it for ever.

SquirrelonmyHead · 09/10/2010 22:06

I have tried reasoning with her "no you cannot wear your pink sandals because its cold/raining" "you need to go in buggy because its too far for you to walk" etc...which has not worked at all

I don't know if you've heard of the "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" book but I'm just reading it and like it so far.

For a situation like the one above it suggests trying to avoid "no" as much as possible. So rather than focusing on her not being able to wear the sandals now you might say "you can wear them this afternoon at toddler group" or something similar which makes it sound more like you are on her side.

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