My OH told me he doesn't enjoy being a dad

[dorris]

Our DS is soon to be 4 and we have not been able to get pregnant again since he was born. (I have PCOS and he now has a low count).

I am due to see a fertitlity specialist tomorrow (probably to be given clomid). 2 days before going my OH has announced he doesn't enjoy being a father and will go through with it for me, but I should really expect him to pull his weight.

In a nutshell, when we met he didn't want kids and he changed his mind as he didn't want us to split up. He has always known I wanted 2 kids.

He is a great dad to our DS but doesn't always help as much as he could. I would say he is inherantly quite selfish.

We have wavered about having more kids in that last 3 and a half years and have very much had a 'if it's meant to be' attitude about it all. However now I feel time is not on my side and the age gap is ever increasing, so have decided to see if we could give mother nature a helping hand.

I have known in the last year my OH has started to feel less positive about us getting pregnant again but only now has he made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want this for himself.

I want to know what you would do or how you would feel in my position?

I feel incredibly let down by him and half of me feels to still proceed and take clomid and the other half thinks how could i possibly have another child with him and where do I go from here, where do we go from here?

And feel desperately sad that he says he doesn't enjoy being a dad. He loves DS lots by his own admission but misses his old life and the mundanity of it I think. Has anyone else experience of this with their OH's?

Thanks in advance other mothers x

hi, here's my experience fwiw! my dh never had kids on the agenda before he met me, i know he misses his old life but part of the package of being with me was kids and he has always wanted me to be happy...so we had 1, dh fell utterly into the dad role with ease, night shifts the lot (doing it for me more i guess), then i wanted a second, we struggled naturally like you, we did go down the fertility route he was sceptial pushing nature etc but we fell pregnant naturally the month we were due to start clomid and have that hsg (sp) (i really think because i had a plan in place i relaxed and managed to conceive sorry i digress) then out of the blue we had a mmc, his reaction to our mmc shocked me, he totally fell apart which i guess stirred emotions in him he never thought he had and finally we were on the same page, like you i desperately wanted him to want as much as me, and 3 months later we gratefully conceived again naturally and now have 2 healthy happy children!

for dh he took it for granted conceiving and in his mind was to have another or not, when it didn't happen then we miscarried it put everything into perspective for him.

its a tough one as having the 2nd was and is HARD work (see other threads), i toy with the idea of a 3rd but my dh's feelings do matter.

good luck hon!

Hi, I started a post to you yesterday but didn't finish it... I there it is near impossible to totally enjoy the parenthood experience. Both my boys are lovely and I love them to death but I do have moments of 'grieving' for my old life; where DH and I could travel anywhere and everywhere, the freedom to do what we want and just being able to enjoy small things like having a cup of tea in peace. I seemed to have spent the last two and a half years drinking cold tea! DH is not a baby person either and I know he found the first year a real struggle - we thought DS1 was hard but when DS2 arrived, it really upped the stress level even though some ways it's easier as you know what to expect. However, you also realise that it's harder to get babysitters for two children especially when one of them is very little. But I also know he loves them both dearly and would not want to be without us. However, like your DH, he does miss certain bits of the old life. In that respect, I don't think that's uncommon but I guess now he has admitted his feelings, where do you go from there?

I wouldn't personally bring a second child right now into the relationship. The first child is difficult as it's a shock, the second child is difficult because logistically, things get much harder (more expensive/difficult to travel and do stuff, find babysitters). Your relationship might not survive! You need to help your DH resolve his feelings, is counselling an option? Does he spend time alone with your DS alone (without you there)? I know dads are feel a bit redundant when the mother is the primary caregiver and the children always want mummy first. My DH really came into his own as a father when he was left to get on with DS1 and they now have a fantastic bond and loves going off together to do stuff without me. Does your DH get time off to do his own thing? Do you both have couple time? That's very important, I know my DH misses me sometimes as I am often just knackered and pre-occupied with the children and have no time for him. For a big birthday he is having in a month, I have planned a surprise trip for the two of us. It's heartwrenching for me to have to leave my kids for the length of the trip but I know I need to put my relationship with DH first sometimes and work on our marriage and the kids are going to the in-laws so it's not as if I am dumping them!

We always wanted two kids but I will never have a third anyway, I value my marriage too much to have that sort of strain put on it! DS2 is nearly 1 now and I can feel us coming out of the fog finally. Do take care.

Thank you for your advice. So today was meant to be my big appointment to be given clomid and i didn't go because my OH made it clear that having more kids is NOT on the agenda. I explained that wasn't what he was saying on Saturday eve but he seems to think it was or what he was meant to be saying.

He says I always knew he didn't want kids and he made a compromise and now it's my turn to compromise by not having another.

I feel gutted. Now even so much at the idea of not having another (as i said I have wavered on the subject in the last 3 years) but that we are so far from being on the same page. I am even considering leaving him but would hate to do that for my sons sake.

It's so hard to know what to do and am so confused.

oh dorris sorry you are going through this, it is so complicated being a woman sometimes. also, be careful with clomid as you could get twins if that's definately not on the agenda as i have friends who have had twins as their 2nd and it's hard(er) by far!!

are you able to work on your dh a bit more? is he comlpetely adamant? would you both consider relationship counselling as an interim compromise? it would be a shame to leave him because of this.

thank you for being so lovely! I know it is damn tough sometimes. I am thinking of suggesting counselling but not sure what he will say.

It doesn't look like i will be taking clomid now or anytime soon.

Thanks for your advise.