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So so lonely

23 replies

sukicat · 02/10/2010 00:10

I've changed my name to write this.

I have tried so hard to make friends in my local area with other new mums. Just last week phoned a tiny tiches group and was told i'd have to wait for a written invite, non has arrived.

I feel so lonely. see my parents once a week ish but that's it. DH is good but the more down i get the further we seem to drift.

DS is everything to me but he goes through days of endless crying and I don't know what to do. DH comes hoem, makes him laugh for 30 mins and can't see the prob.

I want to cry! I'm dreading returning to work as I practically have a panic attack every time I am parted from DS (despite the above.)
Feel like I am slowly losing my mind.
Calling GP is out of the question.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
pluperfect · 02/10/2010 09:07

Whereabouts are you? Is there a local park where you can take your DS, and chat to other mums (or are they ignoring their progeny and other mums, and chatting amongst themselves?). Our local library does singalong sessions, which are good occasions to become familiar with local faces.

Your local council and Children's Centre may publish What's On listings, for stay-and-play sessions and playgroups that you don't need a "written invitation" for. FWIW, that kind of arrangement has "gatekeeper" written all over it, and is very rude, and extremely unhelpful to new mothers. If there is a number limit on the group, let them say that, not make a "written invitation"!

However, thankfully, "gatekeepers" of that kind don't necessarily represent all the mums they organise the group for, and there should be reasonable sorts around.

It only takes one acquaintance to start increasing your social circle. The only trouble is making that one acquaintance, as not everyone will do introductions (too lazy/preoccupied/shy/doesn't realise this is what you crave).

However, this is how is can work once you have met one or more people who like introducing people to one another:
I went to new playgroup last week on the recommendation of a mother I know from gymnastics and DS's nursery (that was why we first started talking), and brought another mum friend whom I also met through a mutual friend. I introduced C to S, and was introduced to H. This is quite something, given that my DS is now 2.6, and most of my original "grojup" has gone back to work, with a few exceptions who are off work again with Baby Number 2.

If you're anywhere near SE London, send me a PM! Smile

gowest · 02/10/2010 09:20

Why is talking to the GP out of the question? Do you mean Grandparents or Doctor? I think I'd be thinking about talking to the doctor - I've had PND with both my children and medication was a godsend.

The part about DH not seeing what the problem is seems to indicate you fear you're failing.

There were some Mums I just found I couldn't mix with and some that are now my closest friends. I think it can be a lifeline if you find the right people.

What about friends you had prior to having the baby?

pluperfect · 02/10/2010 09:37

If you are on the verge of going back to work, other mums will be, too, and this presents more opportunities to meet people:

(a) mother who are going back FT may feel "guilty" about their SAHM/PT friends, and will be more receptive to introducing "new" friends to them, to "compensate" for leaving them!

(b) mothers who are going to continue as SAHM/PT are "losing" their friends who are going back to work (FT or PT), so will more more receptive to making new friends.

Other people are lonely, so you needn't feel shy about "imposing" or anything like that!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

AnaS · 03/10/2010 20:24

your health visitor might have a list of toddler groups you could try. you didn't say where you were but if in mids area send me a message and I might be able to help

muslimah28 · 03/10/2010 21:00

i think the above advice is spot on,esp about finding 1 friend leading to meeting others. I would agree the written invite is a rubbish system!

Maybe if you find a group with a 'goal' rather than groups about just meeting for the sake of it you will find like minded people eg buggy fit, tiny talk,baby massage. These groups have people who care about their baby and probably others too iyswim! It will also give u a sense of acheivement which may help if pnd is involved as it sounds it might be.

All new mums go through a stage of lonliness, you can and will get through it. Hope u feel bettter soon.

thisisyesterday · 03/10/2010 21:05

awww sukicat... whereabouts are you?

pluperfect · 03/10/2010 23:24

Hello?

sukicat · 04/10/2010 12:11

I went to baby massage about two months ago but there were only 4 sessions and none of the acquaintances stuck. The tiny titchies invite group is the one that was advised by surestart as suitable in my area. I haven't seen a HV since DS was 2mo (he's almost 6mo now). Sad
Refuse to go see my GP (general P) as previous issues led a MW to tell me that it could be seen as a weakness.

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sukicat · 04/10/2010 12:42

i'm in the north btw

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BlueChampagne · 04/10/2010 13:25

Could you talk to your HV? You should get a 6-9 month check for your DS anyway - raise it then?

Have you tried NCT? Otherwise try this link for classes www.birthlight.com/public/findaclass/.

You could try MN local or go on the post-natal clubs thread and see if anyone's local to you.

And chase up Tiny Titchies - might just be an admin c*ck up.

Good luck.

witlesssarah · 04/10/2010 13:33

PLease don't worry about what a MW said about a previous situation, it seems to me that you really need help, you sound so desperately sad. I was really lucky to find a lot of groups when DS was a baby and they have been a lifeline, so don't stop trying, it will click sometime. BUT its also important that you talk to someone about how you are feeling - no one should be so sad without support

dikkertjedap · 04/10/2010 14:19

What about going to other places where mums and children go, like soft play areas or swimming pool for mother and baby sessions?

Alternatively, playgrounds, going for walks, trying to go out.

All the best.

amethyst79 · 04/10/2010 14:45

Its soo hard when you move to a new area.. I have moved to the top of the uk, and now am in the South East England all under the space of two years...

Please do not feel alarmed by the way you are feeling as you are only human and its normal to feel isolated when you move somewhere different. It almost nearly drives you insane, trust me i know....

Personally I chat to other mums in the playground (even though im a jibbering nervous wreck) crack a few jokes atc, go to the local childrens center which, ok, you actually need to go on a regular basis until your face becomes familiar... Then local toddler groups?

I hope you settle ok, it takes time. Took me a while to suss out whos who in the area, if you need a chat pm me, dont feel alone xx

pluperfect · 04/10/2010 14:54

"previous issues led a MW to tell me that it could be seen as a weakness."

What did the MW mean by this? It seems a bit cruel to be making you paranoid about seeking help for something which could be PND or something else serious. Not a very sensitive MW if so!

pluperfect · 05/10/2010 11:23

Have you heard from the Tiny Titches yet? If not, it seems as though they need a new administrator - could you be up for volunteering? Are you going back to work FT?

sukicat · 05/10/2010 16:59

No, news. Might phone now to see what's going on.

At 7months preg a 'malicious rumour' was made to Social S which they then 'had to investigate'. Due to paper work etc. it took a month for them to say that their was absolubtly no reason to be worried about us as parents, but during this time I completely fell apart. I was even told that I might not be able to take baby home once born.
I shut down. Mentally tried to separate myself from all that was going on and unborn DS. It was during this time that MW said if I showed signs of depression, it would only make situation worse.

I don't think I've got over this.
Even though it was found to be absolute malicious rubbish the paper work, the fact that SS were involved will always be there.

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dikkertjedap · 05/10/2010 17:11

That is awful. I am not an expert on this, but are there any charities which could help (e.g. phone lines) like Mind or may be there are other ones??? Then you can remain anonymous.

I suppose that moving house or temporarily moving to inlaws is not an option?

witlesssarah · 05/10/2010 17:12

Oh Sukicat, what an awful situation for you to have lived through, and what a foolish MW. Depression is not a sign of weakness, its a mental illness, often triggered by pregnancy and you need and deserve support for it if you suffer from it. If its not depression, you could still do with support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength - we all need help with being parents sometimes, which is why you're so wise to take the effort to find some friends with kids. Please do get back to Tiny Titches, but also consider the GP

sukicat · 05/10/2010 17:14

I would love to move house but it will be tricky. DH is trying to find a new job at the mo so fingers crossed. A crave a fresh start but worry also that there may be a touch of 'the grass is better...' and that moving wont really help.

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pluperfect · 05/10/2010 17:15

Oh, no. I can see why it might be difficult now to form friendships; your trust in others has been smashed, and the ongoing SS suspicion must make you feel no-one has trust in you, either....

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but to sympathise.

However, it sounds as though you need to talk these things out with someone. Could you talk to the Samaritans, as a next step, just to unburden yourself, and maybe find out what other confidential counselling/advice services there are out there? It seems absurd and unfair for you to be left in a situation when you always have something to prove, always have to be "saner-than-sane", when other people are free to go to counselling and get help they need.

sukicat · 05/10/2010 17:21

I meant grass is greener obviously.
thanks for the advice about samaritans. Writing this has made me realise how desperate I was to talk about it.

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pluperfect · 05/10/2010 17:28

Of course you have wanted to talk about it. You are a human being and have been starved of friendship for such a while. I do hope you manage to talk things out properly with someone who's got the practical advice at his/her fingertips.

SweetKate · 07/10/2010 14:04

I could have written your post when DS was small. For me, going back to work was a lifeline. Made me feel like a person rather than just a mum. I made friends through NCT but most of my friends now are through DS's nursery and now school - lots went from nursery to same school. Went to coffee this am with couple of NCT friends. Met a nusery friend in there, then a school friend then a woman I know through story time at the library on the way home. Felt like I knew lots of people! I think you need to look at lots of different ways to meet people - nct, library, toddler group etc. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Try your GP as well. I hate mine with a passion but needed to get help for my PND and it got sorted. Good luck.

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