Help,Just had a phone call from dd1 friends mum & upset.

[bumpsy]

I just need to know how other mumsnetters would handle this situation.My dd is 5 and has just gone back to school this week and three days into the new term her friends mum has rung me up saying that my daughter has been picking on her daughter.She said her daughter is really upset and said that my dd has been telling people not to play with her and been pushing her.I was absolutely devastated and told the mum I would speak to my dd straight away about how important it is for everyone to play together and to be friends and apologised.The thing is though I know it sounds awful but the little girl is always saying awful things to my dd and she just shrugs them off and goes off to play with someone else and this little girl is not as good a mixer and ends up playing on her own.We went to a party on Sun together and my daughter was trying to get her to join in but she just stayed by her mum all the time.I have spoken to my dd at great length and she is really upset by it all and promises me that she has not been picking on her at all and has pushed her only once when the other girl nipped her and that the other girl is always trying to get her in trouble..My dd is a very sociable outgoing little girl and does have loads of friends and has never ever shown any aggression towards anyone at all before quite the opposite.The thing is I have no idea how to handle it I hate any sort of confrontation myself and the problem is that we live next door to the girls cousin and two doors from her other cousins who is also in the same class.We all walk to school together and they all just argue and make up as children do.I would hate to fall out with the parents and other relations over it but I hate to tink that they think my dd1 is a bully when I feel it is just spit & spat between the two.There have been many a time when the other little girl has upset mine but I have just told them to make up and they are friends the next time.I just feel it has gone up another level when the mum who has seen me at school today then rang me to talk at 5.30pm(not a good time with two other tots in the house!)Need advice sorry to waffle!!!!

I think i would just explain it to her as you have here- that you have spoken to her and this is her 'side' of the story.

not sure how you can decide who is telling the truth but thats what i would do, she may well speak to her dd again and find that she admits it?

Oh dear. I would tell her that you have had a word with your daughter, but will also have a word with the class teacher to ensure that she keeps the eye on the two of them (that gives you a chance to put your side to the class teacher). And suggest that she does the same. ANd say that you hope that they can both become friends during the course of the term.

Keep it all non-specific but you really want to ensure that the teacher watches them so that she can find out who is doing what to who, and nip it in the bud?

Think I would speak to the teacher as well. She is there and can, hopefully, see what is going on.

Agree with pph and Katemum. Hope it gets sorted .

By tomorrow morning this will all be forgotten by the children and they will be friends again.

IME its best to leave tit for tat squabbles to the children to sort out....whilst the parents are falling out over the playgroud antics, the children are happily plotting their next new game.

I'd carry on as normal and make light of the way children have such silly squabbles and how easily they make up....if only adults could be the same eh?

My DS was being bullied - so I invited the bully to come and play .... it was a risky approach - but it worked ...

DS was 6 - might have opted for a different approach if he had been 16

i cant believe the cheek of her mum to be honest, when kids are hurtful to my dd i let it go cos i know she can be just as hurtful and i wouldnt think of ringing someone to complain about their child when my own was just the same. i feel sorry for you being put in this situation, i personally would highlight it when her dd upsets your dd.

When my dd had a friendship problem at school I spoke to her teacher, not the perpetrator's mum. The teacher had it all sorted out by playtime and it's never happened again.

I had a similiar situation a few years back, I told my child to be polite to the child in question but to stay away from her, and not say anything nasty about her.

bumpsy,
I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for girls of this age. We certainly had a lot of this kind of thing, and you seem to have the right way of dealing with it.
It is a good thing, surely, that the mother phoned you, instead of complaining to the school?

Obviously you were caught off guard this time, but if she speaks to you again, can you tell her what you just told us, that your dd doesn't like what her daughter says sometimes?

Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice.I have spoken to the mum now and sorted it out.I explained that my little girl had been saying similar things and I had really left them to sort it out between them as I tend to think that it what children do.She didn;t realise that her little firl had been saying the same and was quite suprised when I told her anyway we said we would see how it goes and if it doesn't fizzle out or becomes worse we will ask the teacher to keep an eye on them.She is going to tea next thurs with a couple of the others so watch this space!!and thank s again

bumpsy

I can only echo what the others have said. Unfortunately, this is par for the course with girls that age. My dd (a just 5 and in yr 1) had this for the whole of last year - there were a group of 4 of 5 girls who spent the whole year telling each other who could play with who, 'you're not my friend', blah blah and in fact, there is one little girl who has an incredibly vicious toungue and the mother has never ever told her off!

They are on their own in the playground - I think most of the playground monitors only look for physical violence or children who are visibly upset so generally, they are left on their own to sort this out. I think it's worth having a word with your dd about this but I imagine the woman's dd is just as much a part of it as they all are.

(Ps there are some archive threads on this but can't remember what they are called!)

I'd always talk to the teacher first, rather than the other parent.

Oh, unless I was very friendly with the other parent, not just nodding acquaintances.