Decided not to have DC3. Am very sad. Anyone know how long this will last ?!

[maryfarquhar]

DH and I always thought we'd have 3 kids. We adore our two boys and know a 3rd would just fit in. However we've decided not to for several reasons - right now we have a comfortable life (not by all standards but by ours) and financially can just about expect to be able to help the boys through uni, 3 would be stretching everything and require a house move from an area we all love and mean long commutes. I really love my job, its challenging and flexible but due to the industry it is based on a series of short contracts and this would pretty much evaporate with another break. I find not working very difficult and I would miss my career like I would miss another child. Finally our relationship suffered when we went from one to two (no-ones fault really but we spent long periods unable to speak to each other) and we are working to rebuild it and we think we should prioritise that and not risk a longer term problem.

There's no argument between us we both came to the same decision but I am just so sad. I feel very very blessed with my two dcs but can't help feeling like I'm grieving (I can't think of another word - I know its no real grief) for the child which won't be born and there's going to be a hole in the family.

Has anyone been through this who can tell me this feeling will pass ?

Am over 40 btw so no wait and see approach possible.

Don't put yourself down - IMO you are making a rational and sensible decision, your DH agrees with you and you have experience of going from 1 to 2 so you KNOW what you're talking about.

That doesn't mean you aren't entitled to grieve for what might have been. I would however make sure that you tell your DH how you feel about this - don't guilt-trip him, but tell him that you are feeling sad, that you need a bit of extra TLC from him and that this process might take a while.

This feeling probably will pass as your boys grow older, your career continues to flourish and your relationship with DH carries on. BTW I totally get where you are coming from re rough patches after 2nd DC - DH and I came scarily close to breaking up. However, there might well always be a bit of sadness when the thought comes to your mind about 'what if'.

Are you upset about the possibility that this one might have been a DD given that you have two boys? Not trying to be nosy, just trying to identify all the issues.

Bottom line is - let yourself be sad, ask for help, let yourself heal.

Wish you strength and all the best.

We (me and DH) always thought we would have 3 children. But after our 2nd dd we really had to think about the cost, the time we could give to 3, the size of our house and car and paying childcare for another x amount of years etc, etc. We decided to stick to two and DH had the snip!

I did feel sad that what I thought would be wasn't! But now my girls are 3 and 6 and it's sooo nice! I was thinking only yesterday that had we have had the 3rd it would be around about now and I'm so pleased not to be looking after a newborn! We can do such lovely things as family and give the girls lots of attention and support with school stuff. Between them there is a club or after school thing 5 out of 7 days and I am glad we can A afford it financially and B afford it time wise.
I'm sure you will too reach a point when you feel you made a good choice.....Oh and sleep is great too!

I read on here somewhere - you never regret the children you have only the ones you didn't have.....

Once the kids grow up and leave home i can see how having more children would be nice but the reality of getting there is another story so I agree with pp.

I feel blessed to have 2 and look forward to the day we can leave the house nappy and buggy free and the adventures to follow!

We are in a very similar position...

We have 2 kids, but DH also has 2 kids from a previous relationship so our DD is actually DC#4 for DH!!

We, like you, have made the decision to not have more... financial, emotional, practical.... They are for us (like you, I am sure) the right reasons but there is no answer to the hormonal urge

Also like you, I found going from 1 child to 2 far more difficult and for that reason, I have kept my desire for more kids in check.

I think you know in your heart it is the right decision.

I felt like this and to be honest if you're sad now even though it is your rational choice you will continue to feel like that for a long time. For me I did not really get over, what to me, felt like loss, until my children got to early teen age. Now I am glad I can focus on them more because parenting teens is hard. I would suggest you write a journal with your feelings now, your choices etc and write about the positive aspects of your children and your job now, when you start to feel regret (which you always will, although it will get less frequent), have a read through it and remind yourself that you did it for the best reasons and congratulate yourself on the good job you have done so far. Good luck, I feel for you.

Just a minute ago I cried my eyes out sending a text to a cousin who has just had DC3. Their other two were born pretty much at the same time as my to and it seemed to really bring it home to me that my new baby days are over..

But I do think that grief is normal. My mind is made up that I am very lucky to have two great, healthy little children but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad that I will never again look down in wonder at a new baby, or breastfeed again.

I try to equate it with other moments in life.. I'm sad that I will never be a 20 year old student on the piss again, or a newly wed, or an idealistic 18 year old or so many other things. But it's ok to be sad about that.. and it's ok and normal to be sad about the end of the baby days too..

and BTW, it does sound like you really have made the wisest decision for your own personal circumstances.

Thanks everyone - I'm a bit teary having read your responses. You're right I probably will always have e the what if feeling. Other friends are now embarking on their number 3's and I need to accept that won't be me. Who knows maybe I'll feel relief.

Doesn't help that DS1 is very family orientated and would love more siblings.

Pointythings - funnily enough don't have an urge for a DD - its the gang of kids that I imagined for so long and remember being thrilled that DH felt the same.

Some wallowing is probably required and then hopefully I'l start to see the positives. Just harder than I thought to put every batch of clothes away and the baby toys will soon need to be put away...

So tell me lots of lovely things about them getting older!

Also I feel, and this is awful, that I didn't make the most of DS2 just being a baby and I never realised he'd be the last..now I am really wallowing!

Stop! It's ok, but there's no need to waaaallllooww!

I had my first proper "stick on a DVD while I grab a snooze" morning the other day.. I was only very vaguely dozing but it felt like I had really COME somewhere!

I have 2 boys 2 years apart (14 and 12 now). When DS2 was a few months old I would dearly have loved another.
For various reasons we decided to stop at 2. My health, we felt lucky to have two lovely healthy children and I was , by then, over 40.
Looking back the painful desire for another baby left me along with the baby stage.

As they get older everything just gets easier and easier and family life is more fun than hard work.

I think if we had had children a little earlier I might well have had more but I really don't regret it now.

Oh Mary, I agree with your last post! My two DD's are 19 months apart, DD2 is 6 months, today when I was playing with her and she was making funny faces I realised I can't remember her as a newborn!! I was struggling to get through each day with 2 under 2 and DP working long hours that I didn't make the most of it!

I would love another DC but after a pretty traumatic birth DP has said no more and won't even consider it. That and we'd need to wait till the DD's were at school due to finances/careers etc and I'm not happy with that gap as first one was so small.

So I am now having a "grieving" period. I think I would even consider another DC soon if DP agreed but we are in no way financially able to have another child just now. Anyway, DP is adament. So no more Dc's for me.

The killer is my 2 SIL's are due in Feb and March. I'm just hoping I've got over this by then as I want to enjoy my nieces or nephews and not to be jealous (??)

I think when my 2 dd's are at an age that they can play well together I'll be glad I stopped at 2. They will be so close but another might just be too young, if that makes sense.

Oh, me too! I am 40 and dh is 45, so we are indeed blessed to have had dd (2.6) and ds (just turned one). No problems conceiving or through pregnancy and births ok - all healthy and happy. They are an absolute joy, but having children is so much harder than I thought it would be, as we have been beset with other crappy things going on since we had them - dh has longstanding depression and has had a chronic arthritis since dd born, hence cannot work and lots of money problems. I had bad pnd after dd was born and have lost a lot of confidence, and a 17m age gap has left me physically in bad shape. I am doing various temp jobs now whilst seeking a permanent post.

In the past I always vaguely thought of having a big family, but starting late has put paid to that somewhat. Ok, if we'd had them 10 years ago we would maybe have had 3 or 4, but since having them I realise just how much joy you have from even one child. Very very nice to have a boy and a girl too.

I feel very sad at present since ds's 1st birthday, I find I start looking at him and thinking - well that's the last time one of my children will learn to walk, learnt talk, etc. Also trying to sort out baby clothes for eBay which is really difficult!

However, I work on a labour ward and am always mindful how lucky we are, when I see those women who have lost their babies at any stage.

Now thinking of good things, like looking forward to taking them on holidays and days out in the future when they can both talk, walk and go to the loo themselves! Enough room in the car and for a bedroom each. And both have a lap to sit on and have a big cuddle form me and dh!

Hope we all feel better soon - I'm sure this is quite common.

i always thought I'd have 3 kids too, but I think dh and I waited too long, and like you it would be a big stretch to have a third (new house, car, childcare costs), plus I am 40 next year.
I have periods of feeling sad, I can easily imagine another little one in our family, perhaps a boy (I have 2 girls)...but it's not going to happen now...I can only hope I feel less sad as it becomes less and less likely I could ever actually have another (ie too old). Got to look at the positives really, life moving on, the children growing up, and regaining more freedom for myself and dh. Plus I sometimes find it hard to divide my attention between the two I have at the moment, never mind another!

I think I am in a similar position to you.

I feel the same yearning and deep longing for a dc3 although differently from you we had previously agreed on having two. I feel blessed to have the two dds that I have but I have this horrible nagging desperate urge for a third that just won't go away.

DH does not want a third and his reasons are financial and reducing the time and energy for the 2 we have. We also had a bad patch in our marriage after dc2 and finally feel as though we are mostly out the other end (dd2 is 17 months).

I also love my career although think I could have another break without too much harm, but like you find being at home full time quite difficult. I had two awful pregancies and am left with SPD. I like that we will soon (ish) be in a better place fincially when we've finished partying nursery fees.

In short my head says 2 but my nagging, hormonal, beating heart says 3!

I am really interested in the fact that others have felt like this but have been able to experience the sadness (grief?) but put in somehow to one side and move on with the best decision for their family.

Goodness I have made come speilling mistakes!
Primarily clearly i did not mean 'partying' nursery feeds but 'paying'
Gah!!

I feel like this too!

We also have two boys (5 and 2), and I have thought almost every day since having DS2 about having another child.

I think that it would be lovely when they are older, but fear that doing the baby/toddler stage again would tip me over the edge - it has been just so hard with two.

I know it is the right decision for us, but feel sad about it almost every day. I also end up comparing myself to all the women I know who have 3 children and feeling quite inadequate, because they are doing what I would like to do but think I would not cope with.

I just really hope that I stop feeling like this soon - I think it will help when the boys are at school and I begin to get some of my life back (I'm currently a SAHM).

kitpuss I have the same age gap between my two DSs as you do and before I had DS2 DH and myself decided we won't be having a third for various reasons already mentioned by other posters. But...over the past few months I have fleeting moments of seeing three DC in the family (no idea if it's a DD or DS!). never thought I'd feel like this until DS2 was born, infact I was definate about it on other threads on here, that I only wanted two DC and couldn't possibly see myself with three DC. How strange that after giving birth the second time my views have changed like this and it's a feeling that isn't passing easily...

I feel for you OP, it's such a difficult decision to make.

Like you Kitpuss, I have thought about having a 3rd pretty much from the day DS2 was born but am having to come to terms with the fact that DH just doesn't want any more & as he's a SAHD I've just got to accept his decision however bloody hard & unfair it seems.
My main fear is that I spend so long grieving & obsessing about a child I never had that I don't fully appreciate the 2 amazing boys I've got! Hey I'm sure you girls can relate to this.

LCN

I am also pretty much coming to the conclusion that we will be sticking at two, although its breaking my heart.

Financially, it's already tight as I am a SAHM, and dh has just changed careers, so money isn't that good at the minute, and another dc would stretch our already very tight belts, plus we'd need a new car, and space is tight in our house already.

Physically and emotionally I Know that I could not face another pregnancy and bout of PND also, it wouldn't be fair to my lovely wee dd's. But I'm so very sad! Keep hoping I'll maybe fall pg accidentally, then the decision would be out of my hands! (Not likely though, we're super-contraceptived!)

me toooo :(

I always wanted 3 and my god I am broody but we've got 2 lovely healthy children of 5.10 and 22 months who are result of hideous pregnancies, traumatic premature births and long nicu stays and I just can't go through it again, nor put my family through it.

Doesn't stop me hoping hoping hoping for a couple of days before every period but I know, in reality, I'd be mad to do it again.

It's very sad. Dh thinks I'm barking.

Sorry not to have been back on here for so long. Have had very horrible tummy bug which dragged on for days which made me glad I didn't have 3 little people to deal with!

But that's over and am still struggling. SIL has just had twin boys and I've cheerfully announced that we've got lots of lovely clothes they can have. However the thought of giving anything away is horrifying me. I know I won't need them and can hardly present the grown up DS's with years worth of their baby & toddler clothes when they move out. Part of me thinks it will help to get everything out of the house, the other part says noooooooooooooooo.

My ds's are 5 and just 2. Several of us here with this age gap.

We made a really rational decision just like you and I gave away all the clothes and equipment but I hung on to one small dream - if we won the lottery giving everything away didn't matter because we could have everything brand new and in spades and lots of help and there would be no compromises over them having the very best of everything. Never won the lottery but DS1 is now very nearly 15 and DD is 11. It is so easy - we can go out, they can be left at home. They are lovely and we have time to deal with them. Also they are very different and not having a third meant I could go back to work when DD started school and this freed up some funds for independent for DS who frankly wasn't being catered for. That certainly couldn't have happened with three. Also it means that now they have separate interests we can divi them up and sort out all the myriad of lifts, friends and activities. For example one plays rugby and one sings so never the twain shall meet. But ....I still have a nagging little regret that a third would have been lovely but life would have been so different: no independent school, no going back to work (and for me getting the professional quals and uni educatation that I missed out on first time round), and no certainly now new found freedom!

My boys are 4 & 1 so again similar age gap and there is nothing medically/physically stopping us which makes the decision hard for me - I'm 'only' in my mid 30's, I had pretty straightforward pregnancies & labours, neither of our boys are particularly difficult or challenging - it's DH not wanting just as much as I want and unfortunaltely he has the upper hand (& the better practical argument).

Just trying to avoid the subject of clearing out the garage of all the baby stuff
LCN

I have been through the same thing. I suppose that I'm still going through it, as I get pangs if I find out that a friend is pregnant. But I find that it helps when I am having a dreadful day, and the children are screaming at each other and I can't find the coats, to think "I could have all this and morning sickness and SPD too".

Nothing wrong with protecting your relationship, by the way. I think that it's something that is very much under-rated. A friend of my Mum's once said (when I was a child) "I don't want to wake up when my children are grown and realise that I'm looking across the breakfast table at a stranger". Even then I could see the wisdom in what she was saying.