DH trown cat amongst pigeons on having more children

[MindySimmons]

Posted in one child families too but would like as many views as poss!

Have a fantastic dd 3 1/2 very happy, sociable and making lots of friends at preschool (already has a great time at nursery). However I really am the only person I know with only 1 and so going through a bit of a 'am I a freak, am I letting dd down, should she have a sibling, will we regret not going for it?' kind of wobble.

I should point out that I am totally ambivalent as I really like things the way they are, particularly as I am the main breadwinner and spend more time with dd than dh (he has some health issues that means his energy is limited but as a personality, he feels he needs his time out as it were). Therefore I am concerned another would stretch me to my limit so would dd lose more from a stressed mummy of two than happy mum of 1?

So ask dh the all important question, does he want more children? His reply 'would be quite nice, not really worried either way?' so tried to dig a bit deeper into why another would be nice - he couldn't really give me an answer but he did say that he already finds our family life quite intense (he finds me and dd quite intense) and would not want to spend anymore time at home with us than he does already (currently he takes dd out for a bit of time on sunday whilst I run and limited play during the week as he is normally too tired and to be fair, there is a legitimate medical reason). However, it's left me in a horrid position - I don't think I can do this with so much laid at my door, without any extra help but I know others cope with little dh help and feel a bit of a failure that I'm not throwing myself into this. Think the pressure of all friends and mums at school having more than 1 and feel pretty rubbish (also rather offended by dh that he finds us a bit much! Does that mean with a different family, he would have liked more children?)

Sorry to ramble but feeling rubbish

It sounds to me as though you feel that you ought to have another, rather than actually wanting another child, and if you are all happy with things as they are now, then that is the answer you need.

I'm an only child and it never occurred to me that I should have siblings or that I missed out at all. I had good friends (still do) and have not once wished for a brother or sister. Truthfully.

Now I have two children (who bicker and fight on a regular basis) and although I wouldn't want to be without either of them, I'm still happy that I was an only. The only negative is that I really don't know what it is like to have a smaller irritating brother/bossy big sister, so have to quiz other people who do know when I have problems with my two.

I don't think your friends intend you to feel pressured, and I doubt if your DH means that he would have liked more children if it were with a different family. Probably more along the lines of perhaps he would have liked more if he didn't have the health issues that he has. But that is just the way things are. I used to think 3 would be nice, but I have this year been diagnosed with coeliac and because this has been undiagnosed for so long (talking years and years) I have found everything very difficult and I really couldn't have coped with more.

Please don't feel rubbish, and just enjoy your daughter and the three of you as a family. There are lots of positives, and your DD sounds lovely.

Honestly, I think you OH has been seriously insensitive & rude!! He may be ill but I can't see why that should be an excuse for avoiding his family . Not spending time together in the week is fair enough as we all have work/chores etc and as you say he is lacking in energy, but if the only time my DH spent with DS was whilst I went out for a run on sunday I'd show him the door!
I think you need to have another chat with him as it sounds like he's not happy with your current situation and IMO having another child at this stage would not be a good idea.

But it doesn't sound as if your DH was saying you and DD in particular are quite intense? Just that he finds family life in general quite intense and needs his own space.

If that's what he's like/how he feels, best that he's honest about his limitations.

If you have another it sounds like you'll be carrying the burden mostly by yourself, only you can decide if you want take that on.

I'm grappling with a similar decision myself btw.

Herb - your post really cheered me up. If my DS remains an only you give a positive example of what his experience might be.

When he says he finds you and DD quite intense, does he mean with each other? Does he think another child would lessen that mother-daughter intensity, ie more of a group rather than such 1:1 focus?

Or that having close relationships (wife, daughter) is just by nature an intense thing and a pressure to him?

Thanks everyone,lechatnoir I think you have hit on something, I don't think he's thought it through at all - doesn't have the energy or sometimes really the inclination to do the family stuff yet would be quite happy with more children as long as there's no work involved! Bonkers!
Patsy and lovethesea - don;t think it's to do with our relationship being intense more that we are more similar in personalities which means we are both quite social creatures, busy, on the go, singing, dancing, reading etc and he is fairly quiet, insular and will have bursts of energy or wanting to do things but you are never sure when and for how long! I know many people discuss more children to reduce the focus and yes there's no denying that one child definitely gets more attention, but tbh as a working mum and helping out with lots of friends children too, she gets an awful lot of group time too. Don't think that's what he means, I think he was trying to say if he felt differently then more children would be nice but the reality is he doesn't want to be more involved than now so it would be up to me.

BTW Herbwoman i think you are absolutely valid in your observation, I do think there's a big part of dh that feels if he was 100% and had more energy, he would have liked a large family. I have a habit of trying to fill in the gaps as it were so I do the lion's share of the parenting, home mgt, main breadwinner so suddenly felt under pressure to step up again, even though I don;t think in the grand scheme of things it would be the best thing. What dd would gain in a sibling, I think she'd lose in a stressed mummy and tbh not sure our marriage would survive it