computer games..

[mamateur]

hello, a few weeks ago DN (12) who has been brought up by his granny came to live with us. DP is his uncle and they've always had a good relationship. We've taken him on holiday the last few years. We have DS (12 months) who he adores.

DN has been building a computer for the last few weeks with a games card, etc. because he loves playing games.

In the first few weeks things were great, we played scrabble, watched dvds (we don't have TV) talked, he read books, we went out, etc. He seemed happy. He hasn't exactly covered himself in glory at school (2 detentions in the first week!) but we had been spending time together when he got in, cooking, playing with DS etc.

Now the computer is up and running and he just stays in his room. We've told him the computer must be switched off at 9.30 but I'm not really sure how to proceed.

At the weekend DP and I went out with DS to meet friends, usually he would have come, we've had some great days out, but no, he wanted to stay in a play his computer games.

Granny came up to visit at the weekend and said she'd buy him the new computer game she'd 'promised' him but we said no, firstly because he'd been bloody rude to her, telling her to hurry up or the shop would shut etc. but also because I don't want to make the situation worse. Also, they're all 18 rated but apparently this is normal.

He's in there now. He just came out, took his dinner, ate in the sitting room (he didn't want to wait for us to eat together) and bolted back into his room. He hasn't even taken his blazer off.

I'm sure this must be quite a common problem. We need rules about how much time he can spend on the computer (which is in his room, nowhere else for it) but where do we start?

It goes without saying, this is all very new to me and we're dealing with a 12 yo that isn't 'mine' and who I don't know very well.

I would really appreciate input from you knowledgeable lot...

Really? So 12 yo stay in their room all evening apart from stuffing their dinner down? I suppose it felt wrong because we've just got him.

Wouldn't like it personally, as he's not interacting with the family. Also know a number of boys who bunk off school if there is a big game release . It's admirable he's built the computer but I would ration the time he can spend on it, after school and at weekends. Would also look out for game-playing into the early hours once you have gone to bed, have friends who've said they found their child playing at 4am.

I almost wonder if this is a windup...

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either in my house (if Riven is happy it works for her, then fine, but not for a child in my care).

Does he have Internet access, OP, what the heck might he be looking at? And no 18-rated games to be regularly played by my 12yo, either -- I can live at it at their cousins' houses, but not under my roof. Which 18+ games is he playing?

I'd have to think long and hard about what rules I'd want to impose. I think sitting down together for meals for a set time -- say an hour minimum. What about his homework, that should take priority over computer time, too, no?

I'd be minded to confiscate the mouse & keyboard each night to prevent all-nighters. And at least some time out together as a "family group" on a regular basis.

Does he have friends, go to activities? It's not healthy holed up just in his room all the time.

ragged, hello and thanks for your post. I can assure you this isn't a wind-up, we've just agreed to take DN to live with us after many problems with granny. I've posted about it a lot on here over the past year under various names (I worry about his privacy).

I am not happy with it. We are supposed to be building a new family together. He has come from another city and started a new school. I've said he he's welcome to bring friends round, but I suppose it's only been a couple of weeks. We encourage activities but he always says he doesn't want to. He just wants to bury himself in games.

We have parental controls and the computer must be switched off at 9.30, we've said we'll check.

mamateur I think I've seen some of your other posts.
What you have is perfectly normal I think. Given no restrictions many teenage boys would never move from their computers (or games consoles).
Plus it's new to him and he hasn't really had time to make new friends.
It's a shame it's got to be in his room as I think having these in a family room gives you far more control.
Having said all that I would try and get him to discuss his use of the computer. Perhaps agree to a specific amount of time during the week and a little extra at weekends.
In our house the boys have to share and they have agreed times when they allowed on.
(No more than 2 hours on school nights).
Homework is different and I find they do need to use the computer for research or to type up homework.
I would be very strict on the meals thing though.We always eat as a family at the table and no one is allowed to eat in the living room. Meal times are a good time to encourage reluctant teens to talk to you about their day and for you to show him that family time can be pleasant and fun.

thanks inthesticks. We're suffering a bit in our small flat, which we took before we knew DN was coming to us so we need to get out of our contract.

We all eat together in the sitting room on our laps. '
I give DN a snack when he gets in which he is allowed to eat in his room because I'm busy with the baby or working. We do always have a quick chat about his day and he usually plays with DS a bit. DP is working upstairs till 8ish which is too late for DN to eat, so I get his first. When we move in a month or so we'll have a big family kitchen so we'll have a lot more table time.

I think maybe I'll let him settle in and make friends then start encouraging other activities. One of the problems of his life with his granny was they sort of built up an understanding that 'he didn't like joining things/playing in teams etc. which she reinforced. I need to open his mind a bit to the possibilities.

If we could afford more babysitting we'd go out with him for late coffee/early dinner etc. but it makes for a very expensive evening.

mamateur I think its perfectly normal for a teenage boy to spend all night, every night on the computer - if you let him.

We've not let the children have computers in their rooms - we've got one in the dining room which everyone uses, in full view of everyone else, so there's no chance of them sneaking a look at anything dodgy or getting on to a chat room or anything (we've got parental controls on it as well).

Our eldest recently got an xbox for his bedroom and he was on it constantly, pretty much all the time he wasn't at school, eating his tea or doing his homework. We let it go for a week or so because it was new and he'd saved up so long. But now we say that he can either play on it before tea, or after tea, but never both. And he can only play on it if all his homework is done up to date. I think saying he can only play on it for an hour a night or something is unrealistic; we'd end up letting him get away with more anyway. And part of me is happy that he's content playing with computer games for now (he's 13) and not hanging around by the local shops being a pain, like some of his friends do.

And I'm not particularly surprised by what your DN says about everyone having 18 games - personally we don't let our son have any game he wants, but I know alot of his friends have games I wouldn't let him have. He does have some 16's which I have checked out and seem ok to me (some American games are rated that just because they have some very minor swear words in; ass, goddadamn, etc!!) I always google a game he wants before I buy it to see why it's been rated a 16, 18 or whatever). But some 18's are really nasty actually, so you need to be careful. Anyway I digress...

Our son never particularly wants to come on family outings anymore, ie to the park, round to granny's etc; he would always rather stay in and do his own thing. But when we are going out on a 'social' visit somewhere we do always insist that he comes too. After all, he is part of our family and not just the lodger or something, and he does usually end up having a nice time.

We have also always had the rule that we eat our meals at the dining table together (started out that they ate better when they were all small but now i've got in the habit of not having to pick crumbs out from down the side of the sofa and I like it that way!)

Anyway, sorry for rattling on so long, just wanted to share my experiences with a similar age boy.

Ooh, just noticed MN put asterisks where I put one of my swear word examples - didn't know it did that! It wasn't a bad one, honestly!

It's real easy to get engrossed or play for ages, children and adults. It is perfectly normal in that it is not uncommon. What you should do is try to place some limits on it. Limits to break up the time and to do other stuff. Through my time I've known people playing through the night (not every night ofcourse) :) because they can get engrossed .... not saying anything about me ahem.

I guess I am trying to say don't panic, but try to encourage other activities too. Don't worry about not engaging in team activities, not everyone fits the same template. Sure open the possibilities. Also computer games can have a social aspect too, in friends coming round or playing online.

As regards the 18 rating, I say you need to check the games out first, reviews or play or watch him playing. It is like films not every 12 is really a 12, not every 18 is really a 18, but many are if you see what I mean.

You know actually moomoo above says it very well :)

Thank you wildfish!

Thanks very much moomoo and wildfish - we do want to limit the time he spends on there and I think the before or after dinner sounds good. I think not having tv is a bit of a disadvantage because it makes the sitting room an uninteresting place for him to be. Our lives are very disorganised right now, all with different timetables and not enough space.

I think when he's had some time to make friends at school he may find other things to do with his time.

It's just essentially very hard to lay down the law to a child that isn't 'yours' if you see what I mean.

It's good to know it's all normal 12 yo stuff!

I used to play games never hurt me. He has just been taken from the only home he knows at a very senistive point in a child life I would let him be for a while while he finds footing.

What harm will it do? If you want do have some family time why only on your terms are you going to only play with your ds with the toys you like. Why not go and play some games with him you might have a great time you can get some really good family fun games. Sorry if it sounds harsh I really dont intend it to be just trying to give you his perspective.

I do see your point BigOf, it's always a good idea to see it from their side too.