any good words for helping ur children with there self esteem

[threeamigos]

Hi there I'm a mum of.nearly 3 3 1/2 and under and does have low.self.esteem, I don't want this rubbing off on my kids does anyone have any good words of praise that I can use as I feel mine can some times come.across negative.
I am currently seeking CBT for this but kids development happens so much quicker then my treatment.

I'd say the biggest thing is to encourage them to try new things and then praise appropriately. Literally anything at all that challenges them whether it's eating a new food, climbing a bit higher on the climbing frame or maybe paying for things in the shop and saying thank you.

Then as important, praise them even if they don't totally succeed or finish the 'task' it's the effort you're rewarding and you want to encourage them to try it again until they do succeed or do something else new. So I say things like 'really well done M mummy is so proud of you for trying XYZ' or 'that was very grown up of you what a big boy you're getting to be' or 'wow that was amazing you were so brave/polite/clever etc' and ' if you keep on like this you'll be able to do soon'

Is this the sort of thing you were after? Happy to chat on if you want any other help. I'm far from perfect but lack of confidence is definitely not something I or my DC suffer from

Agree with lechatnoir that one of the greatest things to develop self esteem is to really encourage them to do things for themselves - its amazing what confidence that gives them as these are very concrete examples of their own abilities. You don't always need to over-praise - they will be quietly proud of their own achievements if they can do up their own coat, prepare their own bowl of cereal etc.

Also really listen to them and if you find it hard, make specific time for listening such as bedtime or when you are walking to the shops. This doesn't mean listening to them and giving them whatever they ask for but listening to their opinions and thoughts and validating them so.......'oh so you want to be an astronaut..that's a very interesting choice..makes sense as you're really into space' instead of 'well to be an astronaut you have to work very very hard, not very many people are clever enough to become astronauts'.

One final thing is to try very very hard not to react too strongly when they do something clumsy or silly but give them an opportunity to sort out the problem themselves. There's a good example in the book How to Talk about not shouting when the child spills their milk or orange juice but calmly giving them a cloth and asking nicely them to just clear it up while you get on with your whatever you're doing. That I think is supposed to teach them about finding solutions, not developing fear of situations which can be easily resolved. Worked wonders with my DS1.

DS1 lacked social confidence at age 3 but is now right at the centre of things in his class and quietly confident which is a more realistic aim than looking at very bold, loud children and trying to use them as a yardstick. Infact he's really very lovely and now he is developing a strong, if quiet, sense of self esteem I'm glad he's been a slow burner rather than a bull in a chinashop!

Anyway now I'm having a proud mummy moment and going off topic so best go away!

Fantastic tips and reading them I do the actions of encouraging for them to do things on there own and not making fuss over spills etc its great to learn the praise that sounds positive to them. My 3 year old though on some occasions does not want to listen to the praise and natural reaction is to keep on as u feel u want to reward for it but thinking bout it cos he might not would u just ignore and carry on with other things or keep on.

I tried the praise for trying a decision he made and cos he did.not want to listen I was about.2 mins delayed on the praise as I was changing my daughters happy but me persisting made it a stressful situation. For him and me

Hi threeamigos - I come at this from the angle of being a child of parents with low self esteem - they were very laboured in their efforts to boost my own self esteem me and I fought against their praise (very odd but true) and got tired of always being told how brilliant I was. HOWEVER it did stick as its not something I have struggled with too much as an adult myself. Learning from my own experience as a child though I do try and make most of the praise more casual - my comments are frequently said in passing so he doesn't feel too much under the spotlight or maybe at bedtime we'll talk about the day and I'll say something about being proud of some little thing. I think if he's not receptive don't push the point.

You know what though, it sounds like you are already doing a great job with him and sometimes you know they just don't want to listen whatever you say and however you say it!!!! Once someone said that to me and I chilled out and learnt to get on with my own day in those moments, life got a bit less stressful.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm a know it all - its just that we had quite a long road with DS1 and self esteem issues are quite close to my heart because I find it heartbreaking watching my own mother struggle with it.

You sound fab to be tackling it - I'm very grateful my parents made such the same effort with me and my siblings as I know it didn't come easy to them.

Self-esteem comes from achieving, much more than from praise. So encourage your child to do stuff, and always praise the effort and persistence, not the result. So say, wow, I can see you really tried hard with your climbing." I also think acceptance, so not being critical or saying mean things is important. If they don't want to hear praise, you can say stuff like, 'I see you painting with pink and green. Oh, you are painting a line.' not praise, just interest really.

I agree that rather than bnig over the top praise for massive acheivements, better to just incorporate encouragement and enthusiasm into everyday life. so if your 3 yr old doesn't look like he's listening then move on and maybe at bedtime tell him again but don't push it and definitely don't worry if he doesn't seem to listen or be bothered as it all goes in (IMO). Or if you're bust changing a nappy then it's just a quick 'oooh well tried' is plenty and doesn't need you to stop what you're doing.

You sounds like you're doing really well and are obviously a caring mum so you need to start to beleiving in yourself a bit more.
LCN

I think when they see your face, a big smile happy with something they have done, good eye contact, big hugs.

Simple stuff really that we all forget to do. My DS's love a disco with the radio, turn it up, go mad dancing and laughing, let yourselves go, works wonders.

do they like to help? eg: who can help me plump us these cusions? who can help fold some washing? they get a sense of helping and acheivement (althoug you will have to refold all the washing again!)

Thank you so much your tips are brilliant, I really like the fact about self esteem comes from achieving it makes perfect sense.

All your support is wonderful too, maryfarquhar I do the same to my mums praise, it makes me feel dame right frustrated and this is where the anxiety comes from that im doing the same, so lovely to hear that im not the only one.