Does your mother ever undermine you?

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

She negatively comments on my breastfeeding (she didn't BF), my bathing technique, the clothes I put my baby in, the toys I buy for my baby. It's creating a bad atmosphere and I'm not sure I want her to visit anymore :( I'm a first time mum so I'm building my confidence and don't need this. She hasn't looked after a baby for 28 years so why does she feel compelled to undermine me like this?

Does anyone else have a mother who does this?

Oh everyone has a mother who goes through this stage. Look it's dead easy to sort this. Find something she can help with (I suggest stained laundry) and constantly ask her advice on it. Mum how the hell am I to get these poo stains out of these vests.

Branch out to other areas: mum I don't know how to make pastry and I ought to know these things so I can help my child blah blah blah.

I.e. redirect her efforts, she just wants to feel useful - we all do really.

Mine. Still hasn't stopped, and DCs are now 6, 8 and 10.
No helpful suggestions I'm afraid. But do know you are not alone.

I'll keep watching to see if anyone has a magic wand - someone must have.....

Dont worry, the majority of people I know are experts on other people's children! Just smile and nod, agree while she's there and then do exactly as you please the rest of the time. Every child is different so what worked for her wont always work for you, and you have to find your own way of doing things. Very annoying though I know!

The major problem is that it makes me feel quite depressed (not to mention angry with her).

I had a wonderful peaceful night with my baby last night, then a content morning, but once my mum arrived it wasn't long before I started feeling depressed by her constant belittling of my efforts. When she finally left an hour ago she left me feeling depressed and helpless. I appreciate her help (every time she visits she cleans whether I like it or not) and my baby seems to like her, but I'm starting to think that the negatives of her company outweigh the benefits.

This is so sad as she is the only local grandparemt my child has.

whomovedmychocolate - I'm afraid that asking her advice on many things will send a mixed message and encorage her. Leading her to believe that she knows way better than me (which is how she acts even though she hasn't done things like breastfeeding, baby groups, etc).

Just remembered something which did work for a while with my mum.

"I'm sorry you don't feel you brought me up well enough to know what I should be doing myself. If you think you did a good job, then please let me get on with it, we are happy"

It only worked for a while, because eventually she called one of my DDs stupid and I snapped.......

Yes but she gets told very politely to fuck off and to respect my rules or back off. Her choice. tbf the few times she has undermined me and had her way it has ended up in a complete and utter disaster. Oh and i inherited her stubborness. .

Oh and its displaced concern and glee.
"i am very glad that you have an opinion on this mum. But i need to do this my way and would apreciate that you respect this, and stop critising me so that we can enjoy your visits without falling out"

No, my dad comes round for his weekly loving criticize though.

"Why does your house ALWAYS smell of cat, Colditz?!!"

Because I have a cat who uses a litter tray and a small house, Dad.

"Are they at their father's again?"

Yes. They are at their father's flat again. For the second time in a week. He's a very involved father, and they have new pet hamsters there.

"He's not autistic, he's just like your Uncle X"

Uncle X who has been living in a jet ski shed, building jet skis, for 14 years and who hasn't been seen by anyone else in the family for 10 years and who won't answer his shed door if you drop in on him? Who hid behind my mum's curtains when he visited and left after 15 minutes despite having just driven 130 miles? That Uncle X, God love him? You seriously think Uncle X doesn't have Aspergers?

My own mother has an attitude of (and she did say this!)

"Well, I was a good mother and you're not stupid, you must have learned how to do it so why would I come and interfere?"

You know the funny thing is there will be some things your mum knows more about and that's okay. I have had to tell mine commenting on breastfeeding is off limits and if she starts to upset me I will tell her to shut up.

But it does get easier, I promise.

And you are doing fine. So hang on to that and remember she is not the one up at 3am and changing all those nappies. You are doing it, you are coping and will continue to do so.

May I suggest though you pop along to your local mother and baby group and ask this question there to discover that everyone feels like this to start with? :)

All the frigging time and when I tell her not to she tells me that she is getting her revenge for me always running to my Grandma and asking her for stuff when my Mum said no.

Difference is my dc don't ask her for anything they ask me and if they are told no she will tell them to go ahead .

I find it very hard to understand that she blames me for stuff I did as a toddler she lived with my Grandma who was an old battleaxe and would do anything to undermine my Mum.

Ignore the BF comments my Mum hates that I breastfeed and tries to mention it all the time.

All the time. But she talks to DD when she does it. Drives me insane "is mammy making you uncomfortable sitting like that?" "has mammy not given you any real food yet?"
Think that's just normal mothers for you!

What do your mothers say about breastfeeding? My mum says all the usual shite: "Are you sure baby is getting enough?" "Is she even feeding?" "Her poo is green, there's something wrong, you shouldn't be chopping and changing between breast and formula" (baby gets ocassional half-carton of formula). "She's starving" (after having just came off the breast).

Most mothers do; mine still treats me like I'm about 9. Most of her criticism is aimed at how I "treat" DH (like leaving him to warm up his own, home-cooked, meal in the microwave when he's late home, shock, horror), but also at how I fall short of her standards on childcare (she was a SAHM, I'm not, so clearly lacking). When I'm in a good mood I just smile and say "whatever", but if things aren't so rosy, it's still really upsetting. Just remember: memory is selective, she'll have conveniently forgotten all the times she screwed up with you AND you don't have to be a perfect Mum, just good enough!

wearymum you're right it can be very upsetting. I take it personally. (Especially as I'm so mentally fragile at the moment, she knows this). I can't understand why she would hurt me this way? I hope I don't end up like her when my daughter has children.

Tweedledee, hope you're having a better day; I think mothers hurt because they just get in your sore spots better than anyone else. On a more serious note, do you need some support from someone who's not your Mum? being a Mum 1st time round is hugely hard, and isolating. Can you get out to mother and baby groups?

No, never.

I think it's because her mother wasn't able to help when mum had me (Nan was always in and out of mental hospitals) so my mum is very un-judgy and supportive.

No my mum and MIL have both been great, but then they both had bad experiences with their own parents when they had us. I guess it's given them enough sense to realise that leaving us to it saves everyones sanity.

Wishing u all the luck with your mum.

I think it's just the mother wanting to maintain some "authority" perhaps, as your mother? I can't explain it at the moment. My mother passed away when I was a teen. So personally, I would do anything to have her here nagging me and telling me everything she thinks I do "wrong". I like to think I'd just keep doing things my way and smile... just like I did back then :)