Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

DH left kids in bath - is he really THAT bad at multi-tasking

20 replies

Pagan · 07/09/2005 08:17

Still shuddering over the possible consequences this could have had. He had DD (2) and DS (7 months) in the bath as normal and then the phone went. He whizzed off to answer it and then 'forgot' about the kids. It's a cordless phone so he could have just gone straight back into the bathroom but what is more worrying is that despite the crying and wailing, it didn't register in his mind that something was wrong. I rushed up from the basement (coz I could hear the noise from there) to find DS lying flat out, fortunately face up but with a big bump on his head so he could easily have fallen forwards.

FFS he's only just learned to sit up by himself. WHAT was DH thinking? Why did he not connect crying with something wrong? He did get a fright but too little too late.

He's always been a bit clumsy and forgetful and glazed when you talk to him. Now I know a lot of men are just like that but joking aside, I really do think there is something more to it. It's all very well saying that he's left the car keys in the kitchen when he means the hall but that's not life threatening. He is getting worse. On holiday he scraped the side of a car whilst we were trying to park our car and caravan because ...."he forgot he was towing the caravan". Apparently he didn't speak until he went to school. The excuse was that he came from a big family anddidn't need to as if he pointed and grunted, it got done for him. A plausible excuse but I don't think his two younger siblings did the same so I really do think that there may be a little more to it.

Any thoughts? And thankyou for reading this far

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

kama · 07/09/2005 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kama · 07/09/2005 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 07/09/2005 08:22

Mh DH did this when dd was 12 WEEKS.

Fortunately he went in when she was under the water and gave himself a fright that he's never recovered from. He was shaking and I had to make him a BIG whiskey. He's never done it since.

How exactly did your DH react?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Lizzylou · 07/09/2005 08:22

Gosh Pagan, no suggestions, but it does seem rather strange...to forget 2 babies in the bath is unforgiveable...has he seen a doctor about it? What sort of job does he do? (ie. is he stressed and switching off a little too much when at home)
I would have been furious but it is plausible that there could be another reason for his memory lapses.......

HondaDream · 07/09/2005 08:32

My DH is a very good dad but his idea of safety is not the same as mine but I got over it, however I think forgetting the kids in the bath is pretty bad, perhaps if one had fallen whilst he was sitting in bathroom reading paper you may forgive that as being a bloke. Anyway the point I am trying ot make is that a few years ago I went throught phases of forgetfullness, not as extreme as your dh but ehought not to remeber why I had walked into a room I also knocked wing mirror off my car coming out of supermarket carpark and other such things, in the end it turned out I was suffering from depression and too much stress. Perhpas there is something in DH life he needs to sort out of maybe see a GP
Glad your kids are OK.

Original poster

Pagan · 07/09/2005 08:55

Well he was still on the phone when I ran into the bathroom and on hearing me hit the roof he got off it pretty quickly. He did get a fright and felt a bit sheepish. At first he said oh it was the guy coming to fix our cooker, he kept asking questions but just bellowed that that was no excuse and he did agree and look a bit sheepish and thoughtful. He admitted that he just totally forgot. When I pressed him on how could he forget something that important and also ignore the noise he just didn't know. He's an engineer and has quite a busy job. He does switch off when he comes home but even at work someone has asked if he was deaf or something coz he glazes over. I think there is more to it but just can't quite pin it down. Possibly aspergers, dyspraxia? Don't know. Have suggested this to him and to ask if his two younger siblings spoke quickly enough.

He's a great dad and was never this bad with just one kid but I really worry about leaving them with him which is horrible coz he loves us all dearly.

OP posts:

Springchicken · 07/09/2005 08:59

What a fright Pagan. It is awful because you wont feel comfortable leaving the kids with him, him bathing them, straping them in the car etc, just in case he forgets something vital.

Definitely think he needs to go to the doctors for a check up.
Don't wish to alarm you but some pretty bad situations have been revealed from little things like forgetfullness.

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 09:10

I don't think it necessarily has a physiological explanation. It could just be his personality type.

Appalling scenario though - shudder!

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:15

Pagan, aspergers bells are ringing for me based on 2 people I know with aspergers who are a bit like this but I stress I am NO expert and I could be very wrong. In which case he genuinely didn't mean to do it, he just didn't register.

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:16

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 09:17

Don't shoot me down in flames for this - but may be you need to be really hard on him to force him to take more accountability?

I think I would have been so utterly furious with my dh over this that I would have either chucked him out for the night and told him to sleep in a motel, or left myself for the night with the kids in tow. Sometimes you have to do something overtly dramatic to get through to them.

Sometimes my reactions to my dh might seem explosive, passionate and disproportionate but actually they are calmly calculated and contrived as a means of demonstrating to him how angry I am. I ration my big outbursts for cardinal sins - and he does appear to learn from them!

I would say this bath incident is majorly serious - zero tolerance.

Men - it's like having another child to care for sometimes!

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:18

ggglimpopo · 07/09/2005 09:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Pagan · 07/09/2005 09:46

I'm going to test the water re him going to docs. This will not go down well as he's not the type to go and certainly not because it's for something I think might be wrong. I did blow my top at the time so don't wat to do it again but shall keep that in mind for any future incidents (hope there are none)

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 09:58

I agree that he wasn't intentionally neglectful - but it doesn't mean that he can't 'learn' to be a more aware parent

My dh has certainly improved.

Caligula · 07/09/2005 10:00

I would insist he goes to the doctors.

Tell him that if he doesn't, you can no longer leave him in charge of the kids. And that's not fair on you.

It may be that there's nothing wrong - but I think HMC may be right with her dramatic gestures - and insisting he goes to the doc's is an equivalent.

He doesn't drink too much does he? I only throw that in because heavy drinking makes one very, very forgetful even when sober. My xp was like this all the time, and I just thought he was flaky. It turned out he was drinking far, far more than I could have imagined!

Original poster

Pagan · 07/09/2005 10:30

Not a big drinker at all - thankfully! The odd pint is all.

OP posts:

Caligula · 07/09/2005 10:36

More likely to be stress then. Or just simply that very often, men have this in-built thing that when the chips are down, women are responsible for children and therefore when the crying starts, it's women who will deal with it - even when one isn't around! I think it's very very subliminal, and as HMC suggests, has to be frightened out of them.

I would make him go to the doctor's though. You can't live with the idea that he can't be trusted not to mislay or absent-mindedly kill the kids. There are times you are going to have to leave him in charge, and you want to feel safe to do that.

pablopatito · 07/09/2005 11:08

I know someone who struggled to multitask his whole life then at 30 was diagnosed with ADD. Being aware of this has helped him tremendously and he has also changed his diet to help. I believe a lot of GPs don't recognise ADD and he went and got tested off his own back.

hester · 07/09/2005 11:17

This reminds me of a guy I know - completely devoted to his kid but incredibly forgetful and accident-prone to a level that is almost unbelievable (falls down stairs several times a week, has often happened with baby in arms etc). I find it hard to believe there isn't some neurological or other cause, but his wife has had no luck persuading him to see GP.

Who knows, but I would certainly discuss with your dh ruling out any physiological cause.

Flip