Do you have "me" time, and what do you do with it?

[Mo2]

DS1 & DS2 are 3.5 and 1 years old, and Dh & I both work full time, so whatever time we have in the evenings and weekends we tend to devote to the kids. However just recently I've realised I simply have no "me" time, since at weekends we are either together with the kids, or have one each, and in evenings after they're in bed and we've eaten we just 'blob' in front of the TV, or finish chores etc.
At weekends if DH suddenly announces "I'm going to paint the garage/ wash the car/ etc this morning" I get really grumpy 'cos it means I have to look after the kids, and yet I suppose I could equally say "I'm going to make some curtains/ do some DIY etc" but he always seem to beat me to it!

What do other people do? Do you give each other 'time off' to pursue hobbies etc, and if so what?
I used to go to the gym a lot and I really need to get back into something like that.

Mo2 I think it is very important to have "me" time. I love all my children dearly but I would crack up if I did not have my own time.
When the children were younger we could not go out much so we used to have "card and drink nights" of a weekend with our friends and neighbours. It was fun. We would get sloshed.
Now I have regular babysitters and the children have grown up a bit we still have these nights but we go to the local pub for the last hour when the little ones are in bed and the others have settled down.The kids seem to enjoy it too as we are not in their faces and they can then watch and listen to what they like.Mainly MTV and other music channels.

Hmm, I have a similar issue Mo. I have 3 kids, 2 stepDS's aged 9 & 11, and a DD who will be 1 on Friday. DH plays badminton for 2 hours, 2 evenings a week. I am left at home with all 3 kids. He also goes out to play pool or for a few beers with his mates once a week, again I am left with the kids. I don't begrudge him that time but I feel that he takes me for granted sometimes.

This happened even before I had my DD, i offered to look after the boys once whilst he went out to play tennis with his brothers and ever since then he seems to have taken it as a given that I will be a built in babysitter. Whenever we try and discuss it like adults he always ends up shouting "Fine, I'll give up everything and stay at home with you ALL THE TIME", which ends up with me feeling guilty and like a real nagging wife !

He always says "Well, you can go out whenever you like, it doesn't bother me", but I feel guilty leaving him to cope with all the kids. Despite the fact that they are all his kids and he is perfectly capable.

So, back to your subject of me time.... My me time tends to be 30 mins locked in a steamy bathroom, wallowing in a bubbly bath with a good book every other day !

wsm - I had two kids already when I met my DH, and now we have one together, but they are all 'his' and he wouldn't have it any other way. If I want to go out I check that he is available and I go. He sees my daughters as part of the package, as I can see you do with your sons.

Never feel guilty for leaving them with him. You are not doing anything wrong. I feel we are all better mothers if we are happy and we will never be happy without some 'me' time. Perhaps your DH reacts as he does because he is scared of how he would cope without his 'me' time. (Although you are not threatening it at all!)

He has said you should do it too, so do it. Perhaps he will find it tough at first but he will soon learn to cope and will have a better understanding of what you have to do. No one will suffer! The kids will love having Daddy all to themselves for a while.

Mo2, I love DIY etc but our mistake is to class it as 'me' time. Although it is a break from childcare, and can be enjoyable it is still work. You are entitled to some 'me' time for doing something lazy or frivolous too!

I know how easy it is to resolve to go to the gym and then not find the time. If you really want to go then why not make it a regular time every week, then the kids and DH can do something special at that time and they will look forward to you going?

I do not want to sit back in my rocking chair when I am old and remember all the chores I did. They never get finished anyway. And kids don't care that much if the bathroom is washed once, twice or three times a week. Husbands don't normally notice. Give yourself time to read a book or relax in the bath. Then you will not ever get to the stage when you resent your family workload. My HV used to say 'if mum is unhappy, so is everyone else' and how right she was.

my dp is fab, and about once every other month - near pay day - I go out into town on a Saturday morning and go clothes shopping! I'm never out for more than 2 - 3 hours, but it's great - walking around shops without the pushchair!! I'm pregnant now though, so not much fun buying clothes any more (I was losing weight and having to buy smaller clothes before!), but time out is sooooooo important. I worry dp doesn't get enough time on her own aswell, but she seems to want it less. Will have to chuck her out of the house soon!

Oh Jan, I never wanted to imply that I class the boys as his and DD as ours.I guess it was just my (crass?) way of getting it accross how frustrating it was for me (we'd only been together a cpl of months) to spend more time with his kids than I did with him ! I knew that Si and the boys came as a 'package' but in the early days I just wasn't expecting to have them whilst he wasn't there.

Nowadays, I spend more time with the boys than he does, because I collect them from school and they are with me in the holidays etc whilst he is at work.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty about leaving him but I just can't seem to help it. I just feel like fathers don't always feel the sometimes overwhelming sense of 24/7 responsibility that most mothers do.

dh goes playing squash every Weds night, so I put dd to bed and have the rest of the evening to myself! I might go on the net, watch the telly or listen to music.
I think it's important to make sure the kids go to bed at a reasonable time, for your own sanity. Even if all you do is watch tv with your dh, you need that break.
Also, if he does suggest that he has to clean the car or paint the garage, suggest that he also takes the kids to help. After all how many things do you have to do during the week whilst looking after them all? Dh had to service his car last weekend, and he took dd with him. She sat in the car and pretended to drive with her dollies, whist he worked under it changing the oil. So there you go, now your dh has no excuses not to look after the kids for you!

I run off during the week when my boy is in nursery and go skateboarding.
Apart from that, I have no 'me' time - it's work, kids, sleep.

I have the same issue - DH plays football and then goes to the pub two evenings a week - I have tried not to begrudge this time but find it very difficult! It is not helped by the fact that he has to work away occasionally either. I see football as choosing to be away from us! Anyway, I have made up my mind and am in the process of enroling for evening classes in Massage and Anatomy with the long term goal of getting out of IT and setting up as an alternative therapist. I can not believe how much better I feel for making the decision - I have not even done anything else yet! Whether I will still feel as happy on a cold December night setting out for college is another story, but I think it is important to do something for yourself. DH is happy to stay in and he is another one who says go out and enjoy yourself - I don't feel guilty but up to now I just haven't had the self discipline to kick myself into action. As for chores at the weekend - I bought DS (2 yrs) a toy lawnmower, watering can etc so he can play outside with his dad. He goes to the car wash 'for a ride' etc. We try to make at least three hours family time at a weekend to feed the ducks or whatever and I find that I can class that as me time as I really enjoy the walk and at the moment - the sunshine! Sorry to ramble on....hope you find something that you want to do badly enough to jolt you into action.

MO2 up until very recently I could have written your message - that was my life exactly.
My solution was radical - I took redundancy from work and still send the boys to nursery - thus creating "me" time during the day. Also I do the chores in the week so that weekends are fun time with the kids and a bit of R & R for dh.
I am a new woman - de-stressed, fitter and thinner, as I now go to the gym regulary. I have also stopped resenting dh wanting to go off and do guy-stuff without the boys as he need's his "me" time too.
Maybe in time I may want the challenge of a job again, but at the moment I'm chilling out after 4 years of childcare.

Iota - I think secretly I would love to do what you've done, however right now it's just not an option, since I am the one with the 'safe & secure' job (as much as any job ever is) since I work for a large established company. Long story, but basically Dh took redundancy last year and has since been pursuing a more 'interesting' (for him) career/ partnership in a small business, which, at the time we thought had great potential for him to do well in. However he chose to take a lower salary + equity, so we couldn't currently manage just on his salary. It's a year since he took this job, and at the time said "I'll give it six months to a year, and if it's not making me money by then I'll quit". However here we are 12 months later and he's still plugging away. I'm worried he's disillusioning himself and just wasting his time, but equally I want to try to be supportive of his efforts to try something different (which has always been a goal of his).

A friend of mine in a similar situation recently summed it up as "I just didn't think that at this point in time (i.e. 2 kids, one almost ready to start school) I'd be here - still working full-time" and I suppose that's also how I feel really. Having always been fairly career-focused I think I secretly now just wish DH would get himself a 'big, proper' job (like mine!) and support us all, but that's not really fair is it, when I don't want to do it! Also we passed up on an opportunity for him to be posted abroad in his previous job because I didn't want to go, so it now seems a bit unfair for me to change my mind now about wanting him to suddenly have the 'lead career' again.

Sorry for the rambling... just felt like getting that off my chest really!

Mo2 - is there any chance that you could reduce your hours? It's so hard juggling f/t work, doing chores and spending time with the kids that inevitably the "me" time seems to get lost.

If not, all I can say is that as they get older it will get easier - mine are 4.5 and almost 2 and we are just now getting to the stage when you can turn your back for 5 minutes and ds2 hasn't tried to kill himself in some dangerous activity. Then at least you will be able to get on with interests at home, whilst the kids amuse themselves.

When I can get out on my own, I go to the gym and also I go shopping

This is abit of a sore subject with me at moment.
I'm 34 weeks PG and am painfully aware of how little ME time I have at the moment. We have 2 DS's aged 4 and 2 so in a matter of weeks I'm going to have even less, if thats at all possible.
Just yesterday I went to Ikea to take something back and have a quick look arpund the kiddies section for baby stuff and when I got back it was as if I'd been gone a fortnight. DH works very awkward shifts as a train driver so is home quite alot but I still feel the kids are my job and I think he see it that way too.
He was waiting for a phonecall while I was out and because the kids always play up when the phone rings (is it only mine that do this by the way) he was all shitty when I got back, mostly because of the kids but also because of the phonecall and its outcome(re-mortaging.....enough said!) and I thought 'Fing hell, I've only been gone an hour, they're your kids too. Try doing it every day, Blah Blah Blah' and was then in a foul mood for the rest of the day/evening, even to the point that I sat on the sofa on my own to eat my dinner because I just couldn't stand being with them all.
So to answer to the question of Me time, No I don't get any and it really Fcks me off but because of yesterdays episode I'm redeemimg a voucher given to me for my birthday this afternoon for an indian head massage and DH can whatever he pleases with them. It's only for 30 minutes but he doesn't need to know that does he.........?

Sorry to waffle girls but couldn't stop once I'd started and this is the shortened version too!

Me time!I wish.
My 7yrsboy and 3yrs girl are home educated.Although my s goes out on sat for a few hours it's not enough.Have very supportive partner and he helps around house cooks and works but there is always something.
He takes kids shopping or to museums and stuff and I get to have a day to myself,or so everyone thinks.The time I get I end up doing jobs that have been left lesson planning etc.To make it worse I'm agoraphobic and can't even get help from doc'sso time alone at home should be for me as suffer deppression and am trying to fit in excercise.I do spend time with partner but lately his shifts are all over place.
I'd just do your own thing once in a while if poss.Going out somewhere so that he has kids at home is prob best as kids have their own things don't feel guilty.

DH gives me 2 hours 2ice a week to go swimming (which I love).
It makes me feel good about myself and have more energy too

Arrrgggghhhhhhh and now he's home and I've told him I'm going out for the massage thingy and he said 'oh but I was going to go to the gym'
Well it's tough shit mate I'm going out!

At weekends my husband looks after the kids for a few hours so i can either go shopping or get a facial. I prefer to have 'us' time with my husband than spend time on my own, we try to get out at least twice a month for dinner or something which i always look forward to.

Do you know what - no I don't. Not really, but I don't really feel like I have to have it. We go out LOADS, over to friends and take lottie with us and she'll kip upstairs with friends kids or if we go out out we have a horde of ready babysitters; so we have a lot of 'us' time, me and DP, but I don't really have my own time. I'm not a SAHM, perhaps if I was I'd go mad without it. I went shopping the other day and my mum took lottie so although it was nice to get round clothes shops I felt lost without her and it didn't feel particularly nice! I'm a bit mad aren't I!!

I'll probably make myself very unpopular but yes, I have loads of 'me time' - eg: just come in from an hour's sunbathing with a good book & an ice cream, now spending an hour or so on Mumsnet!!

I am a SAHM with just one child who is at playgroup every morning and sleeps all afternoon! I go out once or twice a week in the evenings (if DH is away I can usually find a babysitter) and at weekends DH & share care of DS so we both get 'me' time (I prefer it to 'us' time !!). Of course, I'm having to do a bit more with DS at the moment as its holidays!

sorry!!!

i wouldnt say hate but strong dislike and tons of jealousy lindy

I am sorry wsm, in no way was I thinking that you did not class your DSs as yours! It is very obvious that you do. It just sounded like if they had been yours biologically and your DSs stepsons, you would have felt even worse contemplating leaving them with him! What did he do before you came along? He must have had to manage alone then. As a couple of people said, it is much easier not to feel resentful of your husband's time out if you have some yourself, and it sounds as if your DS knows this!

Emma - I too have sometimes gone and eaten in another room because I was so hacked off with them all. It doesn't happen often but sometimes you just feel like a servant, don't you? It doesn't do them any harm to be reminded. Unbelievably I was also in Ikea yesterday. Brent Park. IMO any trip to Ikea turns into a full day job anyway, especially if you have to visit the returns department. Which I will be doing tomorrow since one of the items we picked up was the wrong size. Still, Ikea may be tiring but it beats working. Certainly you would not want to take the kids there though.

sorry again wsm, I meant to say your DH knows you need time out, not your DS!

Mo2, I am in the same situation as you, except only having the one DD. Both DH and I work full time. He does contract work so my job is our security.

My weeks and weekends are pretty much as you describe. No time in the week for anything other than work and chores and a bit of TV if I'm lucky, at the weekend busy with DD, as well as usual shopping and getting the washing and ironing done etc.

My DH also does exactly as yours... he'll suddenly announce he's doing some job or other and see it as a chore, whereas I see it as an escape that I'm not getting. Often I'll go to the supermarket on my own and I see that as a treat - oh to skip down those isles! Gosh that sounds sad!

Occasionally I'll treat myself to a facial or manicure but I'm not really sure that is what I want.

I guess I want to have my cake and eat it - a good job, family, spare time. Is it impossible?

I don't really know the answer. I think it has got to be something regular, say an aerobics class or evening class or something that will be at the same time every week so everyone knows that this is the routine. I'm still looking though! I wish you luck in your quest for "me" time and if you manage to find it give me some tips!

I must admit, I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I was amazed to find that my DH regarded it as a chore when I spend hours flipping through catalogues choosing furniture or curtains. I thought it was something cushy I could do while watching TV and feeling lazy.

He thinks looking after DS (aged 2) means putting on Sky sports and sitting in the same room with him. I am getting wise now. And have actually spent an hour here and there watching TV being v busy with DS.