I know I should pick my battles but there are so many

[mamateur]

We've had DN for a month now (permanent move).

His behaviour at home has been pretty good, all things considered, he's good fun and does what we say when we say it, including going to bed, coming for dinner etc. There have been little rows but nothing too serious, just a bit sulky which we just ignore and DS (12 months) usually gets him out of it.

Last week was his first week of school. He said he really likes it, thinks the teachers are great, is making friends etc. so we took him out for cinema and a meal as a reward, because it's no small thing to start a new school a week into term and we were really pleased with him.

Yesterday I got a call from his teacher saying his behaviour has been quite bad, rude to teacher, refusing to take feet off seat, given detention, didn't attend, now has a 'bigger' detention (hence call home). I talked to him about it (cross but calm) and got a pretty sulky response, he didn't know (I confirmed with the teacher on the phone he definitely knew), he didn't hear because the class was noisy and anyway it didn't matter because he'd do the next detention. No remorse. I said we weren't going to tolerate it and he was losing the good behaviour portion of his allowance. To be honest I don't think he's that bothered, he only wants a few quid for sweets as he doesn't have much of a social life yet.

He's been late for school every morning even though I wake him up in time. He trails out of the house and dawdles up the street even when school has already started (it's two minutes away). He won't eat breakfast.

His room is a vile pit. Usually I wouldn't mind and let him have it how he wants but we need to relet the flat to get out of our lease and his bedroom is the main one so for viewings I have to go in there. It's knee deep in plates, mugs, spillage and paints for his models. I'm petrified DS will find his way in their and drink thinners or something.

I've talked to him positively (have read the how to talk book of course) but really he doesn't seem to care very much.

What actions would you be taking? I would love some feedback. DP would go in all guns blazing and tear him off a strip but at the moment is letting me do it my way.

I know he's had a lot of change etc. but basically this is the behaviour he showed at his previous school and he's otherwise happy.

I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but wanted to bump your post.

Some of the things he's doing sound like normal teenager stuff (how old is he?) but it does sound like he may be quite insecure at the moment - is it worth getting a referral to a counsellor?

If the move to you isn't because of an obvious trauma/problem, then it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Could he be bored? Maybe local group activities (explorer scouts etc) may help.

Good luck.

You don't say how old he is? I think response would depend on his age but I'm guessing you mean secondary school? In which case you might get the best advice on Teens as mums of teens will have experience of this age group.
Clearly there is some history here and this boy has had some major changes. Sounds like he's done some stuff right with you.

How much discussion have you had with the school? Are they being too hard on him because they know his history? Would they be willing to give him a fresh start and some structured "help" to improve his attitude and behaviour?

The disgusting room sounds fairly normal. I'd cut him some slack and do it myself for now and work on that later.
Set his alarm much earlier and no tv/x box whatever in the morning.

He's 12. I'm disappointed he got two detentions in his first week at school. I've made an appointment to talk to the head of year so I'll see what they say. Thanks to both of you.

A counsellor/someone he can talk to would be great. I was a very difficult teenager and I remember being able to talk to a lady once. I was a bit older but it was such a relief and took a huge weight off me, just to be able to get all of my feelings out etc. Also is he interested in any sport? It would be great to get him involved in football/rubgy/boxing...anything really just to give him something to get his aggression out on and to get him making friends etc.

It must be very difficult for you all. Good luck with it all.

Thanks Mama, is there a board on here where I could get some advice on where to start with counselling? He refuses all mention of it but I think we are going to have to force the issue a bit..

Hmm, not sure? Maybe try the mental health section? I would also never go and see a counsellor, and I think I was pretty much given an ultimatum in the end? Hard to remember. Also is there any kind of youth centre/youth workers in your area. They might also be good to get in touch with.

I do wish you the best of luck with him.
Your first couple of paras show there is a lovely boy underneath. You just want to see more of that side of his nature.

The sport idea is a good one. A decent coach will be used to boys who push the boundaries and need some old fashioned discipline. Perhaps Sea Cadets or Air Cadets, he may not be quite old enough but again there are good male role models, lots of physical challenges and again rules and discipline.

Sounds like he needs to learn a basic lesson that if you are nice, kind and respectful to people (including teachers) they will treat you the same way. Maybe no one has ever actually spelt this kind of thing out to him?

Makes me sound like a tyrant but I firmly believe that some boys really need very structured Rules and Consequences.
I think that at 12 you have got time to straighten him out before the full on teen attitude kicks in.