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Original poster

babies at funerals?

tinky19 · 2010-09-17T10:35:34+00:00

Your thoughts please. [confused] + [sad]

26 replies

tinky19 · 17/09/2010 11:35

Your thoughts please. +

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ANTagony · 17/09/2010 11:38

They can be very comforting showing the cycle of life etc, a sort of ice breaker at a wake. At the service I'd say it depends how much the parent needs to grieve. If they have to leave to deal with the baby they may miss a part of the process.

mummytime · 17/09/2010 11:51

Yes! DC1 went to great Uncle's funeral at 1, we did take him for a walk so he slept through it all (High Church with Communion). Babies can be quite comforting really.

Original poster

tinky19 · 17/09/2010 11:57

Thank you. DH uncle. He is very sad and wants DS (5mo) there but I am a bit worried people will think it's inapropriate. Don't want to cause any additional upset.

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xandrarama · 17/09/2010 12:31

I agree with the other posters - babies at funerals can be a great source of comfort (as long as they are not screaming the whole time!) and help the mourners by giving them something positive to focus on. I have never seen a baby not given a very warm welcome at a funeral. I think people are generally relieved to see something they can be happy about in the midst of their grieving.

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 17/09/2010 12:35

We took DD1 to DH's grandmother's funeral when she was about 18 months as we had no-one to watch her (it was a three hour drive away and we have no family here and all the family there were attending the funeral). She was a bit noisy but they had a little room at the back and I took her in there for a bit when she became a little noisy. No-one minded.

midnightexpress · 17/09/2010 12:39

ds1 was 5 months old when my dad died. He didn't go to the service but he came to the wake and it was lovely. It was a celebration of my dad's life, and people seemed really pleased to have him there, especially my mum (he was her only grandchild at the time). I think the circle of life thing is very much in people's minds at times like that.

Original poster

tinky19 · 17/09/2010 12:46

Thank you for your comments. It's very comforting.

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 17/09/2010 12:50

I took my DD to my uncles funeral when she was a baby.
TBH it was probably a lot easier than taking a young child. To her it was just flowers and singing and lots of people around.
I did make sure I was at the end of a row, for getting out easily if need be. But it was all fine. And other people seemed genuinely pleased she was there.

Wheelybug · 17/09/2010 12:54

I think as long as they are babies (ie not toddlers running around - or asking questions/......) they are a good thing at most funerals (unless they are particularly sensitive funerals).

Our goddaughter came to FILs funeral (he died v. suddenly at 61) and she was about 8 months. I think everyone thought it was lovely (expect that's not the right word but hopefull you know what I mean). I took DD2 to my grandmother's funeral as she was about a month old and bf - she slept through the whole thing and again gave people something to talk about (DD1 was 4 by that point and wasn't taken !).

Likesshinythings · 17/09/2010 13:03

We took DS to FIL's funeral when he was about 15 month's old. Agree that everyone was really happy to have him there and he was a great ice breaker and conversation point. I stood at the end of a row in case of any disruption but he behaved impeccably - babies sometimes seem to just have a sense of occasion!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/09/2010 22:06

DD was 4mo when she went to DH's grandad's funeral. We just went to the church as I knew it would be quite upbeat but didn't go to the crem. DD had lots of attention and it seemed to give the family something else to focus on (lots hadn't seen her before).

I also took DD to my stepdad's funeral when she was 8mo. She was a bit more disruptive but I'd chosen a seat I could BF her discreetly (to keep her quiet!). I didn't sit at the front with immediate family so I could do this. I also headed straight back to the house rather than go to the memorial garden as DD was tired and grouchy.

I think having a back-up plan, alternative room/location is a good idea, especially the older they are. Now DD is 12mo I probably wouldn't take her unless I could definitely take her out if needed as she's quite chatty and will scream if she can't walk around

SweetKate · 19/09/2010 15:42

DS was 3 months old when we took him to DH's grandmothers funeral. His family live 4 hours drive away and were all at the funeral and no-one to baby sit him. He had colic and cried non-stop. After 5 minutes I took him out and sat in the porch with him wailing. We then had to go to the crematorium and same thing happened. Really horrid day and wish we didn't have to go. Also had to bf in car as no-where private at wake and didn't feel comfortable in front of lots of old dears!

But, overall, if baby is happy and content I think that it can be nice thing for the mourners. New life, something else to focus on and of course the baby won't remember.

tattygirl · 19/09/2010 21:00

We took our 6 day old daughter to my dad's funeral. It did help; it definitely helped my own mum that she was there, something happy to talk about. I did leave my 20 month old daughter in nursery on the day though.

youknowmeasharimo · 19/09/2010 21:09

I just took DS and DD to FIL's funeral.

I think it was good for us to have them there, and good for others to have the little ones to focus on.

But, it was on MIL's word. If she hadn't wanted them there, they wouldn't have been there. She did, so they were.

EldonAve · 19/09/2010 21:12

I would go with what the main mourners' wishes

I have taken preschoolers before and it was fine

onimolap · 19/09/2010 21:18

I think it's perfectly reasonable to take babies to funerals.

But do sit somewhere where you can make a quick exit if needed, as I think baby wailings could be disproportionately intrusive to the other mourners.

smokinaces · 19/09/2010 21:20

I took my son to a toddler's funeral when he was 6mo. It was 300 miles away and he was breastfed - but I checked with the parents first (especially being a child's funeral) and they said the same as others here, that babies were more than welcome. TBH it was wonderful to have him to cling to - and he was quiet through the whole service.

IMoveTheStars · 19/09/2010 21:24

I think it's absolutely fine, and can be a big help as well.

When my uncle died last year I didn't take DS as he was just 2yo at the time and it would have upset him a lot (I think), but my sister took my nephew (17mo) and he was just fine and it was definitely nice for everybody there to have a little toddler there. It was the first time a lot of the family met him too.

Not the same thing at all, but I was very heavily pregnant at my DP's GF's funeral, but it seemed to provide some comfort so a lot of people there. Sorry if this sounds weird.. (DS has his GF's name as his middle name).

(also what onimolap said, obviously)

CoalFace · 19/09/2010 21:24

Toddlers can be tricky because they want to have fun and run round when people need the time to reflect and cry and be wrapped up in their own thoughts. We haven't taken ours as toddlers but did when they were babies. My son has the same name as his great uncle and during the eulogy it was pointed out that the newest family member was there carrying on the name. It was a lovely moment and I'm glad we took him. We have always brought the children to the reception afterwards but got a friend to watch them during the service. I was doing the eulogy for my auntie and DH stayed with our 2 year old. I took our son with us (he was only 3 months old) and he cried his eyes out and wailed - gave him to my brother's girlfriend who handed him to a total stranger who took him for a walk and brought him back. Was very upset and hadn't realised what was going on at the time but I guess it shows there are decent people around. Couldn't have played my part at the funeral and looked after him though.

IMoveTheStars · 19/09/2010 21:26

excuse typos in my post. also, DNephew would have been 15mo, not 17mo. sorry.

ruddynorah · 19/09/2010 21:26

yes fine. dd was 4 and ds was 7 months at my grandma's funeral. it was a full works catholic burial so church then graveside. both were fine.

SmacsGonePotty · 19/09/2010 21:26

I took DD1 to a funeral when she was just a few weeks old. She was breastfed so I couldn't leave her with anyone (didn't want to leave her either) and we had to travel an hour to get there. I didn't know the deceased but wanted to be there for my DH. In the end I had to leave the church and sat outside with her for the service but she was quiet for the crem bit. I agree it is appropriate to consider the main mourner's wishes and sitting at the back for a quick and easy exit if necessary.

CoalFace · 19/09/2010 21:27

PS Agree with the circle of life comments. Had my children at the receptions of my mum and, last month of my sister in law (her children ar young too - just getting to teens) and having the younger ones join in after the service really was good for the spirits of all there and very appropriate for my sister-in-law's attitude to life.

Hop you are able to grieve with your DH and I am sorry you are having to attend a sad occasion.

taffetacat · 19/09/2010 21:27

I took a 3 month old DD to my uncle's funeral. Agree with what everyone says re circle of life and the comfort it can give people. This was particularly poignant in our case as DD shared a birthday with my uncle.

DD got restless halfway through the service so I took her out for a bit, which was a relief tbh as I was getting a bit teary.

moajab · 19/09/2010 23:10

I took DS1 to my Grandads funeral when he was about 7 months. We had a bottle on standby for if he started crying. I think it was good that he was there and it was a good distraction for my Grandma who understandably took it hard being left alone after more than 60 years.

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