how can i live..

[colin1239]

i dont even know where to start with this.
my names colin i have never used any social networking sites before, i am at a total loss, and have turned to so many places, ive lost count.
i lost my wife just over a year ago, after the arrival of our beautiful daughter. after my daughters birth (normal healthy delivery) my wife and i returned home, 2 days later we were heading round to my mothers,
we walked down the driveway, and my wife began to cry in pain.
She fainted so I laid her on the pavement, but she stopped breathing and her skin turned grey. I tried to give her mouth-to-mouth and called the ambulance.
They drove her to the emergency room, where doctors couldn?t identify the problem, beyond it being internal bleeding she had been bleeding since the birth and we had not known. Words fail to describe my horror and shock. There she was, hooked up to all these machines and tubes, with 15 physicians and nurses around her.

They worked on her for several hours, but at midnight, the doctor told me that her heart wasn?t beating. They disconnected her and I just erupted with emotion. her body was already breaking down and her face was swollen and jaundiced I kissed her forehead, and said goodbye.
that day will never leave me, i have lost all self being, i gave up work to care for my daughter, we dont ever leave the house. im still to afraid that people will talk to me about it.
my parents help us a lot, but i just dont know how to cope anymore, everytime i look into my daughters eyes i see her, and i cant describe the pain i feel when i think that she will never meet her amazing mum.
she is my world, but my world is falling apart, i am only still here for the sake of her, sometimes i dont see a way out, i have spoken to councillors, doctors, but nothing takes away the pain. i just cant move on, i cant.
i started a diary dedicated to my wife, and i write every little milestone of our daughters life and i write every little memorie of my wife that pops into my head so that my daughter can have it when she grows up, maybe keep her mum alive that way.
im sorry if this is the wrong place to write about this,

Sorry for your loss.
this is exactly the right place to write about this, there will be many people who will come along and give you fabulous advice.

the only advice i can give is this. you don't have to move on just yet. it hurts becuase you loved her so much and that is a good thing not a bad one. Your grief isn't supposed to just dissapear.

i loved and still love her so so much, i really dont think i can ever move on from her, i keep me and my daughter almost locked in a bubble in this house. im raising her the best way i can, but she needs her mother, and how do i ever explain to her when she grows up and asks.
it almost feels as though im the only person in the world that is feeling this pain.

Colin,
What a dreadful thing to cope with. My heart goes out to you.

You sound like you are struggling and no one can blame you.

You do have the support of family which will help you but please persevere with counselling.

Someone no doubt will offer advice to you about suitable organisations that will help.
Regards....don't give up.

colin.

i'm so very sorry to read your devastating story....

its fine to write here, but there is a bereavement topic here on mumsnet which you may find useful...many many people there have sadly suffered the loss of someone very special to them.

a year is a long time in a "normal" existance...in terms of grief it is nothing at all....you sound like you are still feeling very raw....and god, yes, it hurts.

keep talking and posting through the dark moments...there are people who care. x

thankyou for your kind words.
all i want to do is talk about her, but i cant with my family, i just break down and it takes me days to recover.
you have no idea how hard it is to smile, especially with my daughter who is such a happy little girl, she claps her hands and looks up at me with a big smile, and im dying inside.
and whats worse is when i cant hold it in, if she pulls the same little grin as her mum did, i break down and she looks at me like she knows im sad, and that breaks my heart even more

Tell us about your wife here, if it helps.

there are oranisations that might be able to help you. You could try Cruse www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/. A charity set up to help grieving partners.

you can tell us here if you like...

tears can be good....a way of releasing some pressure.

life can be so cruel at times....

I lost my mum when I was 4. She had been in and out of hospital for 2 years. I barely remember. Your dd will be FINE with a loving dad, honestly! And it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with her.

You need some support for YOU though. I am sure others on here can point you in the right direction.

my wife was by far the most generous beautiful kind hearted being on this planet.
all she did was smile and always did everything to please and help everyone but herself.
she had these amazing peircing blue eyes, with gorgeous red hair (strawberry blonde to her)
and she could wear a bin bag and make it look good.
people loved to be around her, she had a way with people.. and she was always getting the eye too!!
all she wanted was children, was what we both wanted and we used to talk about how we would raise them.. im still trying to do it her way!
being around her was enough to make anyone smile, her grace, beauty, kindness was just some of her many amazing qualities.
i miss.. lying with her, holding her, listening to her grunts and snores!!! the way she used to grind her teeth so loud the neighbours could hear!!
theres so many things about her i loved.

would consider trying any suggestions on places to go, thankyou

colin, she sounds wonderful....and you are sounding like a lovely husband...

your little girl is very lucky to have you as her daddy...

i have to go to bed now, but keep talking if it helps....

look after yourself xx

She sounds lovely! It;s just not fair, is it!

She sounds wonderful,I really hope you get the help you deserve.x

www.youngwidowsandwidowers.com have a look...

Im so very sorry .

I think its just 1 day at a time,but youll never be alone with mumsnet.

Colin, keep thinking of her and remembering her. Your diary is a wonderful idea. Keep her alive in you for your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss of this wonderful woman you love so much.

Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, and so do you. Your daughter willno doubt grow up to be just as wonderful.

Yes your daughter needs a mum, but she is very lucky to have you. Many children sadly grow up with one parent, and if that parent is as loving as you are they will do just fine.

Have you considered going back to work, even if only part time? Being a full time parent is hard in any circumstance, let alone whilst you are greiving. A little bit of child care whilst you get out of the house and do something else may do you some good.

(((hug)))

stick around here and you will get lots of those.

Colin big (((hugs))) to you. You can pour out your feelings here, of course, but you may also want to check out this forum:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement

x