experienced mums - is this all normal 12 year old stuff?

[mamateur]

We recently acquired a 12 yo, he's DP's nephew, has been brought up by his gran, spoiled rotten, started behaving badly at school, refused school, etc. the upshot it, we now have him.

It's been about 3 weeks now and I think in general things are going well and we're having fun together.

BUT

Tonight he's sulking in his room because he was playing with the baby and he banged his head. DP told him to be more careful.

If I tell him off for anything, or say anything he does't like, he just removes himself to his room immediately. He doesn't slam the door.

Tonight he's just come in and complained about the lateness of dinner which will be another 20 minutes (I made him a big salmon and cream cheese bagel - his favourite - an hour ago!). I'd like us all to eat a bit earlier but it's tough when I have to bath DS and put him to bed first. DP is working upstairs.

He can't seem to cope with any criticism.

I feel like telling him its not a hotel and I'm not a servant, but of course a child his age has every right to be looked after and fed on time, right?

Wow what a massive thing you are doing for all of you. All power to you Mamateur - you do sound lovely.

I had a few thoughts reading through all the comments

• I'm not so sure that encouraging positive behaviour using your little ds as justification is a good idea long term. Could you be setting up a sort of 'ds matters more than you' kind of situation? (Don't do this it might hurt ds, do that as it's a good model for ds... perhaps he should and shouldn't be doing things for reasons of self not ds IYSWIM!)

• TV. You have a teenager who desperately wants to have a 'normal family' life. Could getting a TV to watch agreed programmes together as a family be a better way of rewarding good behaviour than one in his own room? I find if the whole family sit and watch Doctor Who, a documentary or XFactor it does have a nice snuggly shared feeling that we don't get if stuck in separate rooms.

• Final thought. Your dn is presumably fairly emotionally traumatised by his tough start in life, his being rehomed twice, his (too?)free lifestyle with his gran, let alone by all the more normal teenage angst that comes with moving,starting a new school and being 13. He (and you) sound as if you are coping fantastically. He sounds lovely on his good days and his testing behaviour sounds well within normal teenage behaviour. Nothing you've described sounds alarming but it is incredibly difficult to deal with even when it's your own child. Would it help the whole family to get some family counselling to help you all make some guidelines and boundaries and find a succesful way through the tough times ahead?

sorry 12 not 13 - still the same though

One of the reasons that people overreact to small criticisms is that they are very insecure, so a criticism of one part of their behaviour isn't balanced out by an understandign that the rest of their behaviour and personality is great. I wonder if this could be part of the reason for your DN's behaviour?