Is it just me or.. SAHM=no friends... :(

[Tamashii]

I have been SAHM since DS was born 2 yrs ago. I have a handful of friends in RL and have made no real "Mum" friends. I have met other Mums in our area (new to the area so don't really know many round here anyway) but they all seem to already have other friends they meet up with. I only know 1 other SAHM who has 3 DC's and her Mum lives in our street so they spend most of their time together. They are really nice so I chat to them if we bump into them at the shops which is great but then it's just me and DS again.

I dearly love DS and I became SAHM because to go back to work would've meant putting him in childcare FT and sometimes not brining any money home. I worked in the city too so we would likely have had to get CM as well to take him to and from nursery as I had to leave for work 7am and got home 7pm. Also, I would have not actually brought home any money from my job after childcare and everything so OH and I decided it best for me to stay at home with DS until he goes to nursery/primary school... I really admire those who actually do this as it must be such a difficult decision.

Anyways, now DS is 2, I am starting to feel like I am not enough for him and although we have started doing more structured stuff I am worried that in staying at home and not sending him to nursery, I am hindering his development. Also, I now realise that although I would have brought home no or very very little money had we sent him to nursery, I could have kept the door open at work for when he does start school. I MAY still have had a job rather than a huge gap in my CV...

I feel my self esteem has quickly ebbed away and I am almost invisible to people now. When they ask what I do, I feel embarrassed to admit I am SAHM when I shouldn't. Since any relatives I have around my age (over 35) who have recently had DC's all went back to work I have no one in RL who can really empathise and I worry that they might think I am "having a go" if I even bring up the whole subject since it was really hard for them to go back to work.

I am SO sorry if this sounds like a total "POOR ME!" post as it isn't meant to. I am just feeling a bit low and useless just now and am running out of ideas.

How the hell do you manage to be a SAHM and stay sane? I wish my Mum was still around as I have SO many questions I want to ask her and to tell her how much I realise she had to sacrifice giving up her career in Nursing to stay at home with me and my brother. I know it drove her crazy to be with us all the time and remember her sometimes threatening to put on her coat and run away when we were really annoying!!!!

Thanks in advance for any help with this one. I really feel pathetic and useless today.

Hello

I am a SAHM with two under 3 and all of the friends I have met are through baby groups or neighbours with children.

Surestart do some really good small groups locally to me which is a good way to get to talk to people and also the people running the groups are very friendly and chatty. I must say I live in a small town where a lot of people do know each other so it is probably a lot easier for me than if I lived in London etc. but also my mum isn't around to get involved or help in any way.

You can have a look on here to find your local mumsnet and see if there is anyone in your area in the same situation as you. Also your local NCT will probably run groups.

Once your child starts pre-school you will meet people with children who are the same age and I'm sure you'll meet friends that way.

I think with you saying you worked in the City you are london so miles away from me which is a shame as if you were up north I could be your SAHM RL friend.xx

Thanks for the replies. I know there isn't really anything anyone can actually do to make me feel any better about this but it really does help that you have been there too and that this is an awkward stage.

DS is PFB so I am brand new to all of this and it's a constant learning curve. Thing is, it's not DS that is causing the issues. He seems quite happy to do whatever as long as it involves footballs, trucks or going out and jumping in puddles. He doesn't seem too bothered about other kids at the moment unless they are older (he has plenty older cousins) but ones the same age just nick his toys or he draws on their paper and all hell breaks loose! :)

I have mild depression and anxiety disorder so have not done the whole toddler group thing but have started taking him to a structured music class so he can get used to others his own age, taking turns, socialising etc without me having to make hours of small talk with other mums (which makes me a nervous wreck therefore making whoever tries to talk to me feel really uncomfortable and I don't think that is good for DS to see so the music class is great).

I have been on the Meet a Mum thing on another site but pussied out of actually meeting up with anyone. How pathetic is that. I suppose this is why I have no other mum friends then. I am my own worst enemy.

I KNOW if I had gone back to work, I would have hated every minute (hated my job) and missed DS so bad but there was no chance for PT or flexi time (how shit is that) and I recently found out my department has been paid off and work moved to Sheffield so I would have extremely likely been made redundant anyway! Again. So maybe the SAHM decision would have been made for me anyway.

Thanks for the posts. I just wanted a wee moan and to hear what you have been through so thank you for listening to me whining!

Hello!

I was in the same situation as you for a bit.
DS is a big boisterous happy boy who needed more interaction tha just me from about 18months. I really grudged joining toddler groups, as I really am an anti-social person in RL - I'm very very shy and struggle to make new friends that I trust and keep. I have yet to make any real mummy friends and all of my other mates have moved away and are childless!

I ended up forcing myself to go to a very small toddler group in an area I used to live in (I figured was more likely to meet people I knew and of the same frame of mind of myself - different areas just didn't feel the same IYKWIM?). It was hard at first - nobody talked to me, I was never introduced to anyone, it was very much a case of just get in and get on with it.
Over a few months I just made myself go. Ihated it - I really dreaded going every time! It was stressful, it was awkward and it was sometimes painful, but gradually I became a regular face that everyone knew and included in the group.
AND!!!
I made my first proper Mummy friend! Who is lovely and nice. We have ds's the same age and now I am heavily pg with ds number 2, she has been coming to visit every week at my house and we have chats and cake and make future plas - so it is possible. We also have a planned toddlers night out for Xmas and went on one in the summer, which was very nice indeed :)

I know how hard it can be, but if you just go for it, keep in mind that it's not for you, it's for your dc and look upon it as just something else you do for your child, gradually it will have pay offs for you too.

I know a way my mummy friend has combatted the confidence knocker that comes with having a child and being a SAHM is finding evening work in a bar. Not what she ever anted or planned, but she now lives at the social centre of a large group of mates and although it's not her dream career or pays very much, it does allow her time to be an adult and become social again. I'm going to do it once DS2 is born - it's a PITA at times, but worth it to feel better.

Tamashii my DD is 14m, so I'm not quite at your stage, but am also a SAHM and really agonised about whether to go back FT or PT or not at all. It's such a difficult decision. In the end I had my year's mat leave and am now on a career break (still don't know if I'll go back.)

We only moved to where we are now a couple of years before DD was born and I knew practically no-one, as I commuted to London, apart from a couple of people from DH's work. To say it was a culture shock to be at home all day with DD, with no-one around and no family nearby either would be an understatement.

I am quite shy with new people, so really had to force myself to talk to other mums at the SureStart centre. If you have one near you please make the most of it, it was a godsend to me. I got talking to a lovely woman one week, kept seeing her there and through her I've met loads of other people. Not all I would be friends with tbh if we didn't have DCs, but it's nice to walk round town and actually bump into people I know, or arrange coffee, 'playdates' (urgh, hate that phrase!) It's really difficult but if you get a chance to meet someone just do it, you don't have to see them again (bit like a 'date' I suppose!)

Hi Tamashii

I could have written your post a few years ago. I really struggled as a stay at home mum, and made very few friends. Found the toddler group thing anguishing. Mumsnet kept me sane.

My first break through was to find another job part time. The money I earned went on nursery fees for two days a week, but it got something on my cv, made me feel human too and ds1 enjoyed nursery too.

I then found some friends through an evening book group. It's a good way to meet people, without feeling under the spotlight. You only meet once a month or so, you read a book inbetween meetings, and then talk about it a bit. Some book groups are very intelligent/intense. Others, like us, eat a lot of biscuits and chat about our kids for a while, then chat about the book, before choosing the next one.

When my dss went back to school, I then started volunteering for things. It was fun, helped me rediscover my brain, and has actually led to a new career for me - so there is hope for life after children!

Hope that helps

Wow thanks again.

ThreeLittleDucks I find people really intolerant of shyness in adults and it comes across as me being cold, snooty and rude. Problem is, since I have hardly any friends, when strangers comment or are rude to me because I always have "that look on your face" it cuts me to the core and I really take it personally. I know I am a nice, friendly person deep down but like you I AM shy and take a while to come out of my shell. Mind you, I would LOVE to take a leaf out of your book and just turn up at toddler group every week with LO and just take it easy n let friendships happen. I always seem to talk to the most domineering, loud person there and sit like a wallflower while they talk so I don't have to. Maybe I should try to talk to the one's I think "wow - she looks mean" in case they are just shy too, like me :)

Species8472 I went to SureStart centre when LO was very small and did Baby Massage. This was probably when I realised I had been suffering from PND and had not recovered from difficult birth as I freaked out after the baby massage class when everyone was invited to sit together, feed LO's and get to know each other. It was painful. I actually had a panic attack and thought I was going to pass out. I just strapped up LO in sling, told them I had forgotten his bottle (in kind of an announcement even though no one probably even noticed my faffing and panicking) even though I was BFing (I had mentioned this earlier as well?!?) and basically marched out never to return. I cried all the way home and a bloody great dog chased me with DS in the sling (didn't run but severely terrified me!) so I never really plucked up the courage to go back. This is honestly true!

I now kind of feel that DS is 2 so if I turned up to a new toddler group they would all be like "Where did you come from?" since they all probs went since LO's were tiny...

I still keep an eye out for part time work and never actually thought I could look for daytime PT work and use the pay to put DS in nursery for a couple of days. I was thinking I would have to get evening job so we would actually have the money AND not have to put DS into childcare but he would probably benefit from this... Sigh, we should start a company for Mum's where working hours are only 9:30-2:30 or something!

Excuses excuses eh? I ask for help then go "Noooo, I can't do that!"

Oh, and I meant to say, why can't I just feel really lucky about being at home with DS and how I get to see him grow up, learn new things every day and all the good stuff rather than sit here on Mumsnet going "Why have I no Mum friends" when I know it is because I don't get out there and make an effort...

Wish I wasn'tsuch a whinging miserable taking-it-all-for-granted loser. Sorry. Feeling a bit down today. Maybe I'll be better when LO is up from his nap and we get outside.

Agree that on top of all of the other advice, a chat with a GP is good. They may just listen, or offer Anti-Depressants, or counselling, but if it means that you enjoy these early years with your little one more, it can be a good first step.

I think it would be really worth giving a try to the toddler groups
go to a surestart one because their staff are normally quite welcoming and nice? so even if you feel shy to talk the mums, they may introduce you to some people or something?
I used to be quite shy (maybe not extreme shy, but defintely a bit) but now I am not really shy anymore, it helps if you force yourself to go out and do things. I think I would go crazy if I don't go out to groups and things, if you do go you might suprise yourself that you actually enjoy it?
Also give another try to the meet a mum thing and go through with meeting, if you dont like them wouldnt have to go again!