My boys are driving me round the twist with their constant fighting.

[cupofcoffee]

They are 6 and 3. Each of them makes pleasant company alone but together they constantly push, punch, shout, pinch, kick etc. Then one is always crying.

Hello. My DDs are slightly younger - nearly 5 and 3. They have their phases where they fight more than other times, but generally they play together really well.

What I do when things go wrong is to guide them in how to play well, i.e. play with them in any play that includes them both and then leave when they are playing well.

When they do hit or pinch I don't punish, but explain (in a no-nonsense tone) how e.g. DD2 has hurt DD1 and that DD1 is crying because of what DD2 did. This to make them see that their actions have consequences - I believe they need this pointed out.

Also, when they share I don't praise one as such, but say "Look how happy you made your sister" as this should be the reward.

What I am trying to get at is that they need to learn to be empathetic and need to learn about other people's feelings rather than everything being about themselves, i.e. they shouldn't think: "I shouldn't do this because I will be put on the naughty step or I should share because then I am told I am a good girl".

Hope things get better for you soon!

Thanks NewDKmum. I am hoping they will pass through this phase. Think my problems come from ds1 being quite overpowering and he would like his brother to behave like his toy rather than a person and do exactly as he wants. ds2 tends to snap and hit his brother because he wants to have some peace.

I have this same problem cupofcoffee, except my boys are 10 and 5. They are a nightmare together always bickering or tripping each other up. Noting seems to work and I find it so stressful and draining.

My current plan this week is little toy soldiers being given for great playing/behaviour. I have a big box of them and i dish them out liberally - they then cash them in each one for 5 mins of club penguin time that evening. We end the day quits and start again next morning.

So far, day 3 it's going great. They still start the bickering but a quick reminder of what they have to gain if they resolve the issue amicably and they are getting on with it themselves. They also get soldiers for getting their teeth done, shoes on in morning etc. But they know that they only have 40 mins of computer time each evening anyway so not thought what to do if they get to 8 soldiers in a day!

Theyt are on 5 or 6 each a day this week.

I know it will not work for long but I'm hoping it gets me through my pre-menstrual week next week, without me yelling at them!!

Not a bad idea walkingonsunshine, might well try that one with ds1 because he has just got into the idea of saving up for things.

How's your week going cupofcoffee?

Mine started great with the soldiers=computer time but was a disaster this morning with boys winding each other up and me shouting far too much.

We got in the car, nearly late for school, with DS2 crying 'you're a mean mummy' and DS1 moaning that DS2 gets away with everything and never gets told off etc. etc. They had both been told off from waking to school for really niggly, crnaky behaviour towards each other. How did it all go wrong?

Can't bear the thought of this all weekend - hope your week has gone better!

I have had a fair bit of success when bickering is getting noisy or aggressive by refusing to listen to 'he said/she said', giving them one chance to sort it out between them, and if the fighting continues or escalates, then I turn off the TV/confiscate the disputed toy and separate them in their rooms until they can behave in a civilised manner, so it's up to them if they stay there for a minute or an afternoon! (not that they have ever stayed there for an afternoon). Obv can only do this at home, but it does seem to teach them some negotiating skills. One very important thing is to stay calm yourself - model good behaviour! The separating gives them time to calm down, but also works for frazzled mums.

Good idea coldcomfort. They are certainly old enough to be able to negotiate themselves. But I have to admit when I am patient it all runs much better - like you say a key thing is to model good behaviour.

I was out last night, hence uniform/lunches/bags weren't ready and I hadn't checked maths homework so also had that to do with breakfast. AND I'm pre-menstrual and have my H away at a conference all week since last Sunday. So bit stressed and I'm sure that explains 90% of it. I feel bad that they've taken the brunt of that, but they also need to recognise that there are times when they need to do more helping and less creating work. Hey ho, home this afternoon for some quiet time.

My week sounds pretty similar to yours walkingonsunshine! I try to ignore when possible to see if they sort it out themselves, so for all the tale telling and shouting at each other my ears just close off but most times it comes to physical acts where I have to step in. This morning ds2 tried to poke out ds1's eyes whilst holding him still sitting on him. This resulted in ds2 being carted off to his room kicking and screaming along the way.

cup of coffee, I would send both to their rooms. I always find it is six of one and half a dozen of the other! It's not so much a punishment, more a cooling off period for all of us. And they have been calmer and more cooperative since I started this - and I have a horrible temper!

It sounds a tough morning for you cupofcoffee! Do you find the end of the week is harder than the start? I do, I think we are all frazzled by thur/fri. I am fed up already of all the organising that is needed for school. It feels a bit relentless, but maybe I just have 'settling in to new term' problems, hopefully it will fade as I go onto auto pilot!

I think coldcomfort's idea is good - to place both on their rooms. For me that would stop what currently happens when 1 child is told off - the other becomes a bit arse licky and bosom buddies with me and my teeth grate a bit with that. They are usually both responsible, for not backing down, even if they didn't start it, so sending them both off for cooling down time means there is no favouritism and you get complete peace for a few minutes.

I have had them both marched off to bed at 630pm before now! OK so the older one was allowed to read, but they were shocked enough at that to just settle down quietly. I sometimes think they are pleased when I take a strong line and send them to bed - if they are THAT cranky, they appreciate the peace but would never be emotionally aware enough to ask for it.

Instant separation and zero tolerance of hitting is our way of dealing with it.

Dont even let it start.

Yes I think instant separation and zero tolerance is the way to go. I just wish they wouldn't start again almost as soon as they are back together.

Yes it's draining isn't it? Then when they are such lovely company on their own, you wonder why they can't just muck along together without conflict.

I thought of your thread this morning cupofcoffee - we are still using toy soldiers to reward the getting ready for school jobs and it is generally good and works (though when DS2 only had 10 mins of club penguin after only getting 2 soldiers there were tears and it was hard.)

BUT on the whole it's working. Except this morning after each had earned 5 soldiers and were delighted with themselves, their soldiers started fighting and before I knew it, fingers were getting bashed and it was really rough! Why oh why did I grab a box of soldiers to use instead of plastic counters or stickers!