Skin to skin...how important? Bit sad about birth.

[MrsC2010]

Hi all,

A quick question about skin to skin contact...when my daughter was born (she is nearly 5 wks now) I didn't get to hold her for about 20 mins for a few reasons:

• I had forceps/epistiotomy/blood loss etc
• She has become a little distressed, meconium/heart rate.

She was taken away and weighed, cleaned etc and then given to my husband wrapped in a towel.

I did get a cuddle when I got into recovery about 2 mins after her birth, but I had a full epidural up to boob level and so she was kind of balanced on me as I couldn't feel her. I was so paranoid as I couldn't move!

In the weeks following I've been quite upset/emotional about it, she was so tiny and had such a nasty entrance into the world, then didn't get looked after by her mum. I've heard people say that when they're tiny they don't realise they're seperate from us yet, so to be literally wrenched out of me and then not be next to me and cuddled must have been horrible.

I try to reassure myself that she had lots of cuddles from her dad, and when my epidural started wearing off and the midwives pulled me slightly more upright I could cuddle her (albeit mostly in wrappings as they were worried about her temp so I was too)...but will that have been enough to reassure her? I do try to have skin to skin cuddles with her now to make up for it, but did we miss some vital bonding time that will affect her? She seems content, feeds well etc.

I think perhaps this is just an over-reaction on my part as I am still a bit sad/disappointed in myself over the birth.

Apologies if this is the wrong section for this!

Sorry, I got into recovery 25 minutes after birth, not 2...that would have been ok!

Please consider going and having a debrief.

Congratulations on your lovely baby. That's the first thing.

When dd was born after a lot of intervention, long labour and eventual em cs, they whipped her off. She was brought back to me in recovery (by dh) and she was clean, dressed and wrapped in blankets. I was so desperately upset for a long time. I kept wondering how many hands had touched her and how many voices she'd heard. If she wanted me. I felt robbed of the snuggly little naked baby I should have had.

But, I have had a lot of time to process it and meetings with the cons who delivered her. I know now it was so important that she was checked over. She was distressed and my need to have skin to skin had to be overriden by the fact that she deserved the optimum start. And as upsetting as it was, the optimum start was ensuring that she was physically well.

I've had a lot of skin to skin since and I've done my bloody best to be the Mum she deserves. You know what, it wasn't my fault. I can say that now. I couldn't for years.

I can say it to you too.

It's not your fault. It was what it was. Blind fate and chance.

Be kind to yourself and enjoy all those cuddles now. It's normal to feel how you do about the birth.

aaaaw sweetheart - absolutely not. My ds was emergency c-section and he had to have a cuddle with his dad whilst I was sorted. He was a lovely cuddly baby and I got lots of skin to skin afterward.

Birth is pretty traumatic full stop, and they know who their Mummy is as soon as they get you.

Had lots of skin to skin with dd as waterbirth and noticed no difference at all to ds.

I had a very similar birth, my ds is also 5 weeks now - and I have the same sad/disappointed feeling that I couldn't give him a better entrance into the world. I saw some photos a couple of days ago of a friend of mine, moments after giving birth, with her little girl cradled against her skin and it made me cry for ds not having that.

He was plonked on my chest momentarily just after they pulled him out, but like you I was numb from the chest down and also incredibly shakey from the epidural so my first emotion was fear that I'd drop him! He was then immediately whisked off to a corner of the room out of my sight. I was pretty incapacitated after the birth and couldn't breastfeed him either, so the midwife expressed some colostrum from me and DP did skin to skin and fed him from a syringe while I was passed out.

I don't think it's an over-reaction at all to feel the way you do, but I also don't think that it has negatively impacted on your baby. I was born by c-section, and according to my mum babies weren't placed skin to skin after birth then anyway. I was a very happy and well loved child and have no bonding issues with my mum now! When my nan gave birth her babies were whisked off almost immediately and she didn't see them again for hours after the birth, and then it was just for an hour at a time every four hours.

I didn't see my ds for over 24 hours. I didn't hold him for 3 days. I didn't feed him for 5 days. I feel lucky that he survived and that he is recovering so well. I feel lucky that he was only in scbu for a week, not months like the other babies we saw there. I am sad that I didn't get the birth I wanted (I wanted a homebirth in water and ended up with an emcs) but it was just one of those things. I am still sad about it but he is nearly 2 now and I haven't dreamed about it or cried about it for months. He doesn't seem bothered by it and he gets plenty of cuddles now. It was just a blip.

Please don't beat yourself up about things not being "ideal", the reality of most borths is that we don't get what we think of as being the "best" way of doing things.

Not having that skin-to-skin contact right at the start will not harm your baby or your ability to bond with her. That first half hour of her life will not overshadow all the hours and days and years you will both have of loving each other.

What could harm your ability to bond with her is not being able to get over your hurt and disappointment about the way things went during the delivery. Do talk about your feelings, go over things to get them straight, and/or have a debrief with the professionals involved. If you understand why things happened, or even just that it can't always be known, then it will help you to deal with the shock and grief and move on in a positive way.

FWIW I spent a lot of time in my DSs first weeks feeling that I had "let him down" and that I was pretty useless because I hadn't even been able to bring him into the world properly, when I'd had a lovely plan of how the birth was going to go, which turned out to be a pile of nonsense! I had to go over and over it, and read through the hospital notes to understand why it had turned out to be tricky and help was needed. But once I understood, I could move on. And that's the important bit.

Congratulations on your new DD.

You've had lots of great advice so far but I just wanted to add - you can do skin-to-skin now too, obviously not the exactly the same but it's still lovely and snuggly, with that baby-soft-smell thing, nappy optional and a lovely soft blanket over both of you if it's chilly (but don't fall asleep like this.. disclaimer-saftey-alert)

Take care

I don't think you should be disappointed. 20 minutes is nothing in the scheme of things.

I couldn't hold my DD1. I'd had a long labour and emcs and was vomiting all over the place while they sewed me up, so my DH had to hold her. With DD2 I was under general and so didn't get my hands on her for over an hour after she was born. For some women the gap will have been longer if the baby needed treatment, there were complications or whatever.

AFAIK skin to skin is helpful in that it helps the baby regulate her temp and also can help initiate breastfeeding. But if the feeding is going ok anyway, and if the baby initially had cuddles from her daddy that is those two boxes ticked.

You've said it yourself: "she seems content, feeds well". She's fine. Don't beat yourself up over this.

I can understand why you feel upset. DS1 was a forceps delivery so I had to be taken away to theatre for stitches and DS2 had meconium in the waters, so he was taken away for checks. I didn't get that immediate skin to skin with either of them, but I DID get lots afterwards.

Take to your bed with DD and have your snuggly skin-to-skin now. I still do this with DS2 and he's 14 weeks!

What happened wasn't ideal in terms of what you wanted and had planned, but you have a lifetime of cuddles ahead of you.

I forgot to add this whicj will hopefully make you feel better -

ds felt like you did - that I hadn't given my ds the birth he deserved (we know it's irrational but feelings are feelings), and I didn't get initial skin to skin contact.

Ds literally didn't leve my side and I kept him by my side constantly as a result of finally (20 minutes same as you) getting hold of hi

However with dd was all naked and so was she and had lots of skin to skin contact. However the moment the mw suggested a shower I had her in clothers pronto and buggered of and left her all alone to get clean and comfortable.

So don't feel to guilt, it was nice and all but I can honestly say there was no difference in bonding what so ever.... infact if I am truthful I think I was probably more initially bonded with ds as I was so so relieved he'd come through everything ok.

Skin-to-skin is lovely and can help bonding and feeding. But it is just one tiny tiny part - just a few minutes! - of your lifelong relationship with your child - one which won't ever be perfect, but which will be full of love, I am sure. PLEASE don't beat yourself up about it! Birth is rarely smooth and virtually never involves all the lovely, snuggly things we are supposed to do (soft music, breathing the baby out, skin-to-skin, followed by night after night of blissful and not at all exhausting breastfeeding ).

You've got months and years ahead to catch up on all that skin-to-skin cuddling.

Parenting your baby is going to be a lovely, dense, relentless, full-on tapestry. each individual thread is only a tiny part of the babyhood you are offering your little girl.

Post birth shock is natural, and should be respected by you and those around you. However, your Dd hasn't read the manual, and hasn't come out with a checklist to fail you against. She will be full of new loving experiences, and will not be 'missing' the particular one that didn't work out.

FWIW, my dd was given to me immediately as she was born . Lying down as I wa s, no one clocked how much blood I was still losing. I became so shaky and spaced out, that I had to put her down in the little plastic cot. Five minutes later, the midwife came in and said 'errrr.... She really should have some clothes if you're not holding her' . Box fresh lovely new atishoo sneezing baby. And the uncontrolled blood loss was probably a big factor in my trouble with breastfeeding her, her very poor weight gain, and then milk intolerance to the formula which had us back and forth to the GP. That was the stick that I beat myself with.

Skin to sleep will still be lovely now; stock up on DVDs and bring on the baby moon!

I wasn't able to hold my babies or see them for hours after the birth. Please don't think you have missed anything vital. While it is lovely for those mums that have all this, it doesn't matter in the long run. My babies are at school now and is hasn't had any long term effects. I am not trying to belittle how you feel I just don't want you upsetting yourself and turning into something bigger than it needs too.

You have a gorgeous snuggly baby, give her lots of cuddles now .

Congratulations on your baby!!! Please, please don't worry about this. I know in an ideal world skin to skin immediately is great, but you've got years of cuddles to enjoy now A de-brief would probably be helpful for you and it can take months/longer to come to terms with a bad birth especially.

If it makes any difference to know. Ds1 EMCS 34wks, I couldn't touch/hold him for the 1st 3 days ...for 4 wks after that I could have skin to skin for up to an hr a day, if he was up it. As soon as I got him home I cuddled him constantly for at least the next 6 months .

Ds2 natural homebirth, he was laid straight on to me, bresatfed immediately etc. Also did lots of skin to skin/cuddles/co-sleeping etc...all the same.

Ds1 is the calmest/loveliest/happiest most content toddler and always has been. Ds2 IS NOT!!! Madness to me??!!!

No skin to skin for DD1, and DS was whipped away for weighing and whatever took precedence over nature too. I made up for it afterwards when I had them all to myself. Then DD2 was allowed to cuddle, DD3 too (she glared at me ) and DD4 it didn't make any difference in the end for me, but if you're upset, that's what matters to you go and talk it over with the birth team.

First of all congratulations!

I'm just going to say the same as the rest. My dd's birth was very similar to yours by the sound of it. It has had no long term effects on her (or me for that matter) at all as far as I can see.

She is 2 now and is a very happy, affectionate and bright little girl who is the apple of my eye (and her dad's who got to hold her first).

Your dd will be fine but you may well need some tlc, as others have said. Look after yourself and yes, ask for debrief/speak to hv or gp if the feelings persist. Five weeks is not long enough to have properly recovered emotionally or physically so give yourself a break. Good luck.

Please please don't worry, she will have heard your voice and felt hugged by your body for the whole 9 months leading up to the that 20 mins, and that is what tells her that you are her Mummy. Doesn't matter if she heard other voices in between, she'll only be attuned to yours and will have responded to all the rest as just noise, not real people. To her your voice WAS the first one she heard outside the womb.

Try not to worry that it wasn't all as perfect as you planned, you did all the right things and you and your baby needed a bit of help, which is absolutely fine and not your fault :)

My dd2 was born with an ideal labour with me on my side - but i laid her next to me and did no skin to skin. I couldn't face holding her or moving or breathing, it was all so so so so sore. I had gas and air and was overwhelmed with the shocking pain for about 20-30 mins.

We have such a tight little relationship. SHe is 18 months and will only sleep in skn to skin, with her hand down my top. HTH.

Congratulations!

Thank you everyone, I feel slightly more sane for hearing everyone say I'm not nuts! She is lovely, and is the centre of our family already. Her father absolutely dotes her, as do I obviously! She just seems so amazingly vulnerable and fragile, the thought of her being unhappy or her happiness compromised any way hurts.

It's normal to feel like that about your newborn and the feelings are very raw and powerful at first.

The feelings probably don't get any less powerful when I think about it, you just learn to live with them somehow!

I had an emergency c section and didn't get to hold DS for about an hour after birth. I felt this surprisingly difficult to deal with for about 2 months. (I felt I had let him down in some way)
I agree with PomPotty, Skin to skin shouldn't stop when you leave hospital. I took my DS into bed for skin to skin for about 2 days. (it was too cold to do anything else!) and it was great! Really helped with BF as well.
Congratualtions. It'll get better.

Mrs C - congratulations on your little girl, i'm sorry that you didn't have the birth you wanted.

you're right, skin to skin is incredibly powerful when it comes to bonding, but it has been shown to continue to be powerful for months after birth, and as some other posters have said - the only thing that is likely to damage your bond with her is if you keep beating yourself up about the 20 mins after the birth.

please, just draw a line under what happened in the hospital and enjoy catching up on skin to skin with your gorgeous daughter :) xx

I didn't have any skin to skin with my dd's after both their births. I did want to and plan to (I work as a midwife and always really encourage it). I had two lovely easy births but following delivery was really overwhelmed and couldn't manage to hold them. I just seemed to be in shock and shook quite violently for about 30 mins afterwards on both births. So - maybe for some people nature doesn't allow you to do skin to skin immediately.

I did do lots of holding and cuddling from then on and was a great fan of those moby strtchy slings (infact dd2 lived in one for the first few months). I also loved sleeping with them (although ensure that this is done safely). Both are now beautifully confident and independant little girls.

Please, please don't worry. My ds is now 5 years old. A total mummy's boy who I am v.close and cuddley with. He was born in the water with the cord wrapped around his neck, promptly whisked away from me, sorted out by my brilliant midwives and then handed over to his Dad while I was taken off for some serious attention to my 'nether' regions. I didn't see him for what felt like days but was more like 2 hours.
Your skin to skin contact with him has only just begun! Enjoy your beautiful baby and please talk to someone if you feel down about ANY aspect of your birth, good luck!

Ps; Incidentally both my dc had fairly horrific entrances to the world and years later LOVE hearing about it over and over again, the gorier the better