Tantrums and what to do about DH's punishment

[NoseyNooNoo]

DD aged just 4yrs has been having about 3 months of tantrums. It has been exceedingly draining and there have been times that I have felt like crying - her mood never reflects the fun she has just had and she is constantly saying 'No one likes me anymore' or 'You don't like me'.

When Dh came home last night he just blew at her. he has never done this before in any context and it was particularly unusual since she is definitely Daddy's Girl. He said to her last night that she could not go to Dance class tomorrow, Saturday, or ever again. This was particularly tough because she only started last week and loved it more than she's loved anything else. I told him this and he said that if she was good he would relent.

So, today she has had 3 tantrums already - one at toddler group because there was no music time, once when I said we wouldn't be taking the scooter to nursery this afternoon because this adds an hour to the return trip and we've already been out with the scooter, and just now because she is having fish pie and not chicken curry. I really want her to go to dance tomorrow but she's not exactly earning a change in decision. I've even said that if she is very good she may be able to go tomorrow with no effect.

So, what do I do - do we stop her doing something she really loves, the first thing she's really loved or do I relent and therefore say tantrums are ok.

Any thoughts?

I think the only sensible course is for your dh to admit to her that when he said she could never do dance class again, he was having a silly tantrum, and then to laugh at her about what silly things tantrums are and how they make you say things you don't really mean.

Personally, I never used to punish for tantrums; they are their own punishment imo.

It sounds like your DH did one of those 'threats you can't actually, or would be unreasonable/undesireable to carry out' blow ups. We've all done it, haven't we? From the 'we'll go home if you don't stop xxxx' when actually that would be more punishment for you than the child, to 'I'll leave you behind!' type threats.

Like the PP, it might be more damaging to 'relent', because then it might look like pleading or tantruming works. Perhaps a 'actually I was in a dreadful mood, and I said something I didn't really mean' climb down might be more appropriate. Then it still looks like you/he is still in charge and making an active decision. Also, if you want her to 'earn' an activity through good behaviour, it's only fair to let her know exactly what that looks like, in advance, rather than having a vague 'being good' thing, isn't it? And reminding her when it looks like she might explode.

Personally, I do as the pp does and don't overtly punish tantrums as my DD1 (also 4) just loses it. She knows perfectly well it gets her nowhere so it's not manipulative behaviour. Unpleasant, yes, but for her too. But each kid is different, and that might not work for you.

My DH is the king of empty threats. If you don't follow through they quickly catch on that you don't mean what you say and actions don't have consequences.

I just try to ignore tantrums as much as possible. Very hard to do when you are out and about your child rolling round the floor though.

I wouldn't let her go to class then say if it improves then she can go again.

I would let her go to class.

Well in the end she went to class. She was very good yesterday afternoon so she was allowed to go but she is clear now that Dance class is a treat to be earned.

She did a very funny dance when she came home too!