DH is tay at home Dad but we don't agree on discipline...

[OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies]

Hi,

I work full time and DH stays at home with our son (16mo). Now that DS is getting to the age where discipline needs to start creeping in, DH and I seem to have different ways of doing things. DH is much more strict and restrictive than I am and says 'NO' a lot (in quite a loud, shouty way sometimes). Though DS needs to know what he is and isn't allowed to do, I think DH is being a bit OTT sometimes. I have to admit though that DS definitely listens to DH more than me if we say No.

Another point where we are different at parenting is that I like to encourage DS to be independent e.g. I'll let him potter about in the toddler park and do what he likes while I watch from a short distance away to prevent any accidents. DH hovers over DS constantly while at the park and kind of 'interferes' in his games, if you see what I mean. I think it's good that DH is so involved, but I think DS needs a bit more space sometimes.

So, basically, I think DH is too strict (and he thinks I'm not strict enough). This is getting to be a problem because I feel like I have less influence over DS because I'm at work all day and I'm worried about the influence DH is having on him.

Any advice? (or reassurance that DS will turn out ok? )

Oops - thread title should say stay

DH and I are a bit like this. He thinks the kids never listen to me (they do but I prefer to discuss and time out than just shout). They do listen to him quicker than me but they dont learn anything.

I have learnt to accept it as I figure they get a balance by us both being different and the more they understand from me the more he will have less reason to be the way he is iyswim.

We both come from cultures where a certain amount of fear of parents was the norm, although he doesnt actually try to use fear but I suspect that is why my DH is a little more forceful than I am.

I think the problem you have is also that he is the primary care giver therefore to a certain degree he is going to do it his way. DH interferes a lot less when I am dealing with the kids, so perhaps when you are around DH will leave you to do it your way and DS will learn.

DH isn't a SAHD but is very much like your dh. Particularly with the hovering and panicking in the park. I remember him shouting "don't run" really loudly once at the park and shocked ds so much it made him fall over! It does annoy me but I haven't found much of a way round it yet,

All I will say is that I actually find ds1 in particular listens to DH LESS because he's a bit numb to the constant, stern "No this, No that"

Thanks for your replies

DH and I also come from cultures that tend to be quite 'shouty', but DH definitely was brought up to be more scared of his parents than I was, though both sets of parents were pretty strict.

Maybe having a balance and 2 ways of doing things is a good thing? DH does tend to leave me to it when I have DS, though he sometimes tells him 'NO' when I'm perfectly happy to let him do whatever it is that he's doing e.g. banging some pots and pans.

I don't know....maybe I just have to accept it for the time being. I do remember my parents being a completely united front when I was a kid though - they both always seemed to say 'NO' to everything!!

Our different parenting styles might be more obvious to DS as DS gets older and needs discipline more.

It's hard isn't it? Reassuring to know that other people are having the same issue though.

I would say that I'm the more shouty one out of me and my dh, I have the mind set that if I give them a children a warning and say not to do that again, and they do, then I will speak sternly to them and give them a final warning and after that if they do it again I turn into super shouty mum. Can't help myself.

My dh tries to distract them out of a strop and sometimes it works, probably better than my approach, but other times it just winds them up more and the whinging gets louder and at some point I have to interfere and tell them to just be quiet because I just can't tolerate whinging!

Going back to the point I think that your ds will learn that his parents have different behavour and react differently to both of you.

IMO kids need to be allowed to run and climb and fall over and probably hurt themselves at some point. They need to know the consequences of climbing up high and falling off, which is better if they do it when they are 16 months and to them 'high' is 2 foot off the ground, but if you leave it until he is older and finally gets a bit of freedom the 'high' he wants to jump off might be 4 foot and he could get properly hurt. Does all that make sense!?!

My parents had different approaches. My dad very much "you must fear the parents" (not in a really horrid way - dont want to make him sound awful ) and tbh as a teenager I found that harder than as a child. In the long term though it didnt matter that much so I imagine DS will be fine.

I would firstly say that if your DH is the primary carer you are just going to have to let him do certain things his own way whether you agree or not (I say this as someone whose DH is also a SAHD). That said, I would definitely try & talk him down from shouting - strictness is one thing but shouting IMHO never really achieves anything excepts to make you more cross & inevitably your LO will end up shouting back if not now then as your DS gets older.
LCn

I agree with Curly about the taking risks.

My DD is 8yo and has always been allowed to climb and play alone. DS is 6yo. Both of them are extremely good at judging their abilities because they started learning to trust their abilities when they were very young.

I hate seeing parents hovering over their DC at play parks. Let them play.
ou more strict.

Think parents often have a slightly different stance although you need to agree any big differences. For example I am really against hitting and DH knows I would not tolerate it.