Not sure how to handle things with my 4 year old

[WhatFreshHellIsThis]

DS1 is 4.5 and about to start school on Monday. We've been having problems on and off with him really pushing his dad away and rejecting him, saying he wants Mummy and he wants me to do everything - take him to nursery, get his breakfast etc etc. Basically if Dad tries to do anything he gets the 'No! I want Mummy' treatment.

DP works full time, I work 32 hours a week, and it's impossible for me to do everything for him. We've tried cuddles and reassurance, we've tried explaining, we've shouted (not proud of that) but he continues to just reject Daddy all the time.

I went away for the weekend recently and he was fine with DP all weekend, but if I'm around particularly he starts it all again.

I'm feeling rubbish about it because I feel I'm not giving him what he wants or needs from me - I didn't want to work 32 hours but work wouldn't agree to any less, and we can't afford for me not to work. I think I feel particularly bad as well as he's starting school and I'm wondering whether I've spent enough of his baby/pre-school time with him. Lots of emotion going on!

He's also not sleeping very well, takes ages to go to sleep where he used to be out like a light in seconds, and waking up in the night, coming into our bed, and waking up very early. He seems like he's not getting enough sleep a lot of the time, but won't nap and if we put him to bed earlier he just doesn't sleep.

Anyone had these problems with a 4 year old? Any tips on dealing with it? Did it just pass by itself?

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I don't have any specific advice but just wanted to sympathise, DD is 4.5 and has started being very demanding and crying about everything. My view is that school will actually help settle her, all that routine will tire her out (in a good way). Maybe the same will happen for you?

oh god I hope so! I'm glad to hear it's not just us going through this - you always wonder whether it's something you've done/not done as a parent, don't you?

When does your DD start?

My DS1 started school last Jan and was very hard work behaviour-wise in the months leading up to Jan. Its the fear of the unknown for both of you really. And once he starts you'll both settle down and get into the routine of it. School tires them out so that might help with the night waking/going to bed.

About the parental preference thing - mine used to go through stages of that, mostly younger but still did it a bit at 4.5. That's got better too really just on its own. Although having DS2 helped as DS1 tended to end up spending more time with DH and they got their own games and things that only DH could do. So maybe it was putting in the time from DH and having specific things they do (watching Star Wars, playing the Wii) that worked the best. Difficult when DH is working and you're working too. Steve Biddulph in 'Raising Boys' says that there is a mother preference/need until 5-6 and then they need their Dads more and the mothers get a bit more sidelined (something testosterone based). So given time the balance will shift naturally anyway.

And don't feel guilty about working. Needs must. I'm sure you've done the best for your family. Plus I bet there's some SAHM who also have the parental preference issues who probably feel guilty its because they're with them too much! There's always something to feel guilty about. Don't buy into it!

Good Luck to your DS and you on Monday!

Errrr.....should also point out that boys still need their mothers after 5-6 too!!! Tring to paraphrase from book rather badly! You won't be redundant from mothering once he turns 6!

a belated thank you! have been madly busy getting last minute uniform etc so haven't been on here much. DS1 seems to be happier already now he's left nursery and is on the final straight before school. Also DP is not working at all this weekend and we've had lovely day all together, which has improved matters.