2 month old and a 2 year old - help!!!

[alohasoph]

Hi All - I am new to this talk board but i need suggestions/reassurance and/or your experience - i have a 2 month old who is pretty needy (likes to be rocked to sleep - doesnt sleep all that long) and a 2 n a half year old who is wanting lots of mummy attention. It is breaking my heart in 2 - I feel like I am neglecting both of them and failing to give either of them the attention and love they need/want - sure 2 year old needs to get used to it - but I want to spend time with him too - is half hour a day enough when all i do the rest of the day is ask him to wait?? I have a sling and am using it but live in the tropics so it is hot hot hot!! any ideas are most welcome - i really feel like i am struggling! I guess my question is this - How does one do this "2 kids" thing anyway!!!

any advice recieved with utmost gratitude!

Alohasoph

Hi Alohasoph.

I had a similar problem with my two, when they were the same age.

DS1 had been incredibly needy so I'd rocked him to sleep and held him pretty much constantly for the first six months of his life, but when DS2 arrived, I knew that I couldn't do that for him and look after DS1 too. So I got DS2 used to falling asleep by himself in his cot, and sleeping there by himself too. It's not too late for you to train your little one to sleep in his cot - you might even find that s/he sleeps better as a result.

I also had to sleep train DS1, who was used at the age of 2, to falling asleep with me in the room - which made daytime naps a nightmare, but it was only when DH was away for work for three nights, and bedtime went from 8pm to 10.30pm because DS1 wouldn't go to sleep without me, and DS2 was screaming for me, that I twigged that this situation was untenable. So I did controlled crying with DS1, which meant five hideous days and nights of howling, after which he would fall asleep by himself in his cot - I felt as if I'd been given two extra hours in the day as a result.

What I'm trying to say is that when you have two little ones who need you, you have to be more disciplined about the time you give to each of them. If the baby was your only child, then holding it all day would be no problem, but if it means that you are denying DS1 time with you, then I think that you need to find a way to put the baby down for naps so that at least then you can spend some quality time with DS1.

(BTW using a sling in incredibly hot temperatures must be so uncomfortable for you and the baby!)

Thanks for the reply - I think establishing more routine will help - it really helps to hear others' stories though - I am the first of my friends to go for 'round 2' and have found very little practicle info in books/online etc etc to help with this stage!

I would definately second the need for routines. I was lucky that DS1 was good at going to bed, just needed a story, tucking in etc. and would go to sleep by himself but dear god DS2...nightmare!

He was still getting up 4+ times a night, for at least an hour each time, when he was coming up a year old. I was shattered. I said I'd never do controlled crying and thought it was cruel, but had tried everything else with him and nothing would make him settle better or sleep longer so we did it and within 3 nights he was sleeping from 7pm until at least 5am. A million times better than before (the early mornings we dealt with later).

I aren't suggesting you do controlled crying with a 2 month old, I do think that's too young, but I really would work on a routine.

Plus, it is early days, each day can feel very long when you have a tiny screaming baby but time does pass so quickly and before you know it you'll be out of the most difficult stage (imo) and your 2dc will have each other as constant playmates.

I can't quite remember how I did it - 12 years ago now . It is incredibly hard - baby was very clingy but we got there. My rules, I think were:

Don't set unrealistic standards - you can all eat pasta 7 days in a row and nobody need know when you last cleaned the bath/changed sheets etc

Sleep whenever both children do regardless of time of day

I do remember quite a lot of breastfeeding in front of Teletubbies!

You will get through - every stage presents a new set of challenges though.

I agree about the teletubbies thing.
I was quite strict about the tv before I had ds2, but it soon changed.
ds2 liked to bf 8 million times a day so ds1 probably spent far too much time in front of the tv but it didn't last long.
i also got out of the house lots, would go to any play group within a 10 mile radius just to give ds1 a fun time and stop my guilt at ruining his life by bringing this attention stealer home. I hadn't ruined his life btw, I'd brought home his best friend and looking at them play now is just beautiful (most of the time!)

x

when DS2 was a newborn DS was 2.7 and was/is a very cuddly boy who got incredibly jealous of any time I spent with the baby,

part of my solution was to get DS2 to take a dummy and therefore use this to self soothe rather than needing to be held by me all the time.

It worked a treat (he gave it up voluntarily at 4mths) and it made him alot more calm and able to sit for periods of time in a bouncer without howling the house down while I sorted out DS1.

Have you got a partner to help you with the bath bed routine as something which I couldn't have coped with out was having DP do DS1's bath while I did DS2's bed time feed.
If DP was not about at any time, I used to do the Bedtime feed sat next to the bath while DS1 was in it.

i had 19 month gap between ds2 and ds3 and struggled with the same issues

sling helped me a lot, a moby wrap. it meant the baby was always being "held" and thus fairly happy. he slept better in it. and i was hands-free to do stuff with ds2

it also helped going out, because ds3 would be fine in the pram or the sling while i did things with ds2 again, and he got lots of outings to the park and stuff l ike that

seeing friends.. they're always happy to hold the baby!

I've got exactly the same age gap and it is challenging to say the least! I also find the guilt very very hard to deal with - DS1 got so much of my attention and it is so hard to take that away from him. He has always been a rather clingy child so it is tough for him. I feel sad that DS2 will never have that intense 'first baby' time with me.

Some things that are helping me (at least some of the time!):

• Having DS2 in a rough routine - makes life more predictable for all of us. I used the baby whisperer pick up put down technique to get him to go down for naps, which took a day and he now goes down really easily which helps massively and saves me loads of rocking time

• I'm also using a dummy for DS2 which really helps chill him out
• He's in his bouncer a lot - luckily he's a pretty relaxed baby and has good head control (certainly in comparison to DS1) and can stay in there for 15 mins or so without complaining
• Whenever DS2 is asleep (currently about 4 - 5 hours a day) and we're at home I try to play with DS1 straight away (eg rather than getting on with housework). I find that if he's had 20 mins or so of my focused attention he's then able to play by himself while I get on with things
• I'm lucky because DS1 naps for 2 hours a day - I really try and get DS2 to sleep for at least some of the same so that I can lie down or at least have a break
• When visitors/ family come I get them to make a fuss of DS1 then to take the baby for a bit so I can get some time with him
• The sling has been fantastic but I can see how that's less useful in a hot climate (even in the UK we both end up a bit hot and bothered on a warm day)
• Trying to get out at least once a day so that DS1 can burn off some energy and I get a change of scene/ some adult time
• Being as organised as possible - eg getting change bags ready the night before so we can just go rather than faff around/ bringing everything we need for the day downstairs in the morning so I'm not constantly running up and down stairs. If I'm really going for it I lay up breakfast the night before!
• When DH is here at the weekends I'm trying to get out by myself with DS1 a bit - I feed DS2 while DH gets DS1 ready. We've then got a couple of hours before the next feed so we can go to the swings or for a wander and we both really appreciate that time together.
• Totally agree with claricebeansmum about unrealistic standards, I've had to accept that some things have to go, and I'd prefer it to be the housework (within reason) than my time with DS1. DH and I are living off ready meals which is something I have never done in my life! And DS is watching a fair bit of TV having pretty much never seen any until DS1 was born.
• I try to use feed times to read with DS1, we all snuggle up together on the sofa.

Friends with a similar age gap say that it get easier at about 6 months and I try to believe them! Another friend said that if only 1 of the 3 of you is crying at any one time in the first 3 months you're doing well!

I also try and remember that life without my siblings would be unimaginably less rich - they will hopefully appreciate this in time...

What a wonderful and lovely breath of fresh air and peace you lovely ladies have given me - I feel so much better to hear the suggestions and stories - and I agree that siblings are the best so it is worth it all. I will take all suggestions into my days - and sending you all a big virtual bunch of flowers for your answers and ideas! What crazy, amazing and wonderful work we do as mothers!
:)

I had the same age gap and completely understand what you mean by trying to divide your time, It will improve and there will be tough times, but mine aged 3.5 and 18 months play lovely and are great friends!
My first never had a dummy or a bottle, I must admit the dummy/soother saved me! And I also worked really hard at getting little one into a routine (with baby whispher ideas) but don't beat yourself up if you follow these things exactly! I managed to get both mine to have sleeps after lunch time so i had a bit of time to sleep/do house work. The other sleeps that little one had i.e morning afternoon I did cooking drawing etc with eldest daughter. When little one was 4 months ish I made a point of taking eldest to the theatre/pictures and lunch out so we had some special time together. Eldest is at pre-school now two times a week so I get time to do things with 18 month old! It all does work out in the end!! Good luck x