Lost it tonight with DD

[SweetGrapes]

Dd is 9, is on the spectrum and has learning difficulties. She is a pleasure to be with and chatters and does stuff but very high maintenance. Toddler kinds - have to keep an eagle eye always on her.
Last summer was pretty crap - also christmas etc. I kept loosing it with her and would yell at her and on occasion smacked her too. (I don't like doing it and don't belive in it).

It's like I was itching to smack her and do it so fast before I have time to even register that I am doing it.
Anyway, this summer holidays I have been very careful and for the past 6 months or so have not smacked (at all) or yelled (beyond reason).
Have shouted - in a kind of 'stop that right now' kind of way - which is totally different as I haven't really lost it.

Tonight it's come back again from somewhere. We had a good day - she got back from school we (dd ,ds and I ) did some playdoh, reading, writing, singing etc and at bedtime I lost it for something really trivial and yelled at her and smacked her. She was really happy before that and must be so confused about her mum.

How can I get myself to stop? I wasn't expecting it as she's back at school now and we had a good day so I was totally off my guard.

How stressed are you generally?

You need to look after yourself, so you can look after your DC. Make sure you aren't tired/stressed/depressed.

It sounds to me like everything is just getting to much for you, and you take it out on your DD, as she is there annoying you.

Well, I thought I was doing well.
The summer holidays went fine and thats what I was really dreading. It feels like just as I relaxed because it's over and she's back at school, suddenly it all erupted as if from nowhere. I guess I am more stressed than I think. But that's not really an excuse is it?
Last year was horrible.

All the things that they say "leave the room", "count to 10" etc etc just didn't work. I would go and lie down or something and come back when I was ok but I would still loose it and second time round it would be so fast that I got scared. It's like my negative thoughts were just lying in wait to come out again.

Is it really your dd that you're angry with or is it something/someone else and she has become the target for your anger?

CarGirl speaks to herself sternly at this point btw!

You've moved on from 'here' before and YOU CAN do it again. Don't beat yourself up about a slip in what you consider acceptable or you'll feel worse.

Get some support if you can and remember tomorrows another day - one where you can hug dd as much as you like

No, it is with her. Last time when I was thinking it over, I realised it was to do with expectations from my side.
The things that I know she cannot do, I am fine with. The borderline things were driving me bad. Behaviour, learning etc - things that I thought she should/may be able to do/say etc but actually can't.
Eg I know she is still wet in the night - it doesn't matter. I don't get angry or mind washing up everyday. I expect it.
Speech things - she can talk and respond but has tons of jargon too. I was getting irritated when I ask her something that she should respond properly to but doesn't and instead responds with jargon.

This kind of thing, I had sorted out in my mind and I thought I was over it.

actually, driving me mad.

frustration is hard. My youngest rarely does what we ask first time partly because she thinks it's funny not to. Drives me and dh absolutely crazy because it makes life more difficult.

I keep trying to think it's a funny, entertaining trait, rarely stops me blowing my top though.

because she thinks it's funny not to
exactly - that was it today. I kept asking her to stop doing something and she's giggling away and after about the tenth time, I say 'Dd' and she replies very archly 'Yes'... and I blew it.

What scares me is that the blowing up comes quicker the next time. Last summer when I smacked her the first time it was after a lot of provocation but the second time round it was almost easy to smack!

Can I just add my dd doesn't have SN that we're aware of so my life is probably much easier than yours.

She still drives both of us crazy, she gets shouted at more, told off more etc etc than the older 3 put together. I am not proud of that admission.

Having a non-compliant child is infuriating, especially when she is compliant everywhere else (only told of twice for that sort of behaviour in reception class last year!)

I know. Totally infuriating. I was thinking maybe I should look at the teenage parenting section!
How to manage my toddler-teenager! I remember doing stuff like that in my teens. God, my mum must have hated me then! (we have a fine relationship now - so there's light ahead!)

Thanks everyone, I am feeling much better now after venting here. Yup, tomorrow is another day - and I will plan out the evening and do lots of fun stuff and put them to bed early and then open the wine! (am pregnant with no 3 too - but a small glass is called for, I think)

Dh has been away for a week, he's back tomorrow so I think all bedtime duties handed over for a while - should snap me out of anything becoming a habit.

I got my dc2 to read her bedtime story tonight after I had to stand over her putting her clean washing (pants/socks) in the drawer, duplo in crate, pjs on, teeth brushed etc etc

and breathe.

in... out...
think of a happy place...