Temper tantrums in a 12 year old!

[PlanetEarth]

OK so she doesn't throw herself on the floor and howl like a toddler but she might as well!

When she loses her temper she is quite unable to stop herself. It usually starts with something little, then a reprimand, then she answers back/shouts at us/hits her sister/etc. until she gets sanctioned for it. The trouble is, we have never yet found any sanction which will stop her behaviour. She seems quite unable to get control of herself - or maybe she just doesn't care.

Sanctions typically include - count to 3 then she's on the stair/no swim club tonight/no computer time. Today she missed out on going horse riding as she just kept shouting at us.

I think part of the problem is that she is stubborn (family trait, not my family ha ha), part is that she lacks emotional intelligence (not able to put herself in other people's place, and see what they want from her), and partly she doesn't care if she's sanctioned (she generally doesn't have strong wants and desires that we can work with).

Any ideas?

teenagers do lack empathy and you can't blame them for it as there are physical brain changes during the teenage years where parts of the brain change and develop and this impacts.

don't put her on the stairs - that's a toddler treatment

catch her before she starts - if you see her losing her temper walk away or ask her to go to her room

take her to yoga / meditation and teach her deep breathing techniques

talk to her when she's calm and ask how she's feeling

give her a notebook and ask her to write down anything she wants you to know, whenever she wants you to know it and say you will discuss it calmly whatever it is

appreciate that she is a developing adult - she is no longer a small child - she is striving for independence and going through huge hormonal changes

I dodn't have a teenage girl yet - have 2 teenage boys - the hormonal switches were tough for a few years I'm sure it will be tougher for a girl

I'm watching with interest. I've just started my own tantrum thread. Maybe there should be a whole topic devoted to tantrums alone.

I wonder if at this age any of the books about anger management in children may be helpful?

Yes, I agree it's time to drop the stairs. Doesn't work for a start!

It's not a change due to her age though, she has always been like this... She is very poor at communication and also I think at introspection - tried to talk to her after she'd calmed down today and just kept getting "Don't know," or worse, grunts. If she could talk to us I think that would go a long way towards solving the problem.

I did her get a book a year or two ago about anger management for children - part of the trouble though is getting her to admit there's even a problem (bit like alcoholics and drug addicts...).

I try to walk away but not always easy, e.g. when she's taking it out on her younger sister .

Bump?

Sounds just like my 9yr old.. bumping for more advise...