Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Advice needed re breeching Child Contact Order

16 replies

bluetwo222 · 03/09/2010 12:53

Hello,

My ex-husband and I have a 7 year old daughter. There is a Child Contact Order in place.

My daughter came home last week and told me that she gets in to bed with my ex-husband and his partner and is encouraged to do so. My daughter has only met this woman twice before this started.

My ex-husband has a very on/off relationship with her, although he has been with her for 3 years. We divorced 6 months ago, he kept her out of the divorce for financial reasons and out of our daughters life while the divorce was ongoing. This, too was for financial reasons too.

During the divorce, I found him advertising himself on 8 sex dating sites and having had access to his emails address, that these were linked to, saw emails between him and couples offering his 'services' behind her back. I told him I knew of these, and he stated that his partner was 'aware' of these sites. I told him as I stated that I didnt want any of these people at his house while our daughter was there, as he was also advertising that he could 'accommodate' men and women at his house.

He is a good father, and loves his daughter very much. His partner appears a nice enough woman. Both hold respectful, high-profile jobs.

When I discovered that our daughter was 'encouraged' in to their bed, I sent an email stating that this was to stop as I felt it innapropriate. I then contacted a solicitor to write a letter requesting an undertaking not to allow this practice to happen, prior to his next contact weekend. He has replied, not giving this undertaking but telling me basically to mind my own business, that our daughter is happy to do this an it will continue, and should I not allow access, I will be in breech (which I know. His letter was worded extremely 'reasonably' and I question if I am in the wrong to be outraged by this? I feel that such an intimate act, such as two adults sharing a bed with a daughter takes years of building. It appears to me that he is using out daughter to speedily bond his girlfriends and our daughters relationship. I also question the mind set of this woman feeling comfortable with it.

I can not afford to go to court, and emotiotionally I am still not over my divorce as he got me and the children out of the house, left me with debts untold and the marriage was extremely abusive. However, I never let this come between him and his daughter. Our daughter has taken the divorce badly, although we both have done our best to help her come to terms with it.

Can I have some independent advice on this?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 13:00

breach the order and you'll be going to court.....whether you can afford to or not!!

i dont think you have valid reasons here to stop contact because of this. you do not know the ins and outs.....he's the other parent. its not your business what happens during contact,as its not his business when she's with you

pick your battles.....this doesnt (to me) sound like one of them

Original poster

bluetwo222 · 03/09/2010 13:03

Re the Contact Order: He saw her regularly from seperation. However, where he collected her on a friday night, when I could no longer afford our mortgage, we moved 28 miles away. I stated that he could collect her saturday morning (early)as her ballet didnt finish until late Friday evening. He did not agree, refused mediation, and a Contact Order put in place for collection on the Friday (agreed). She had to stop ballet on th eonly day I could take her.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 13:06

the judge probably realised a relationship with her father is more important than a ballet class. ........he may have a point too!! assume the contact order was granted whilst judge was in possesion of all the facts?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting

sorrento56 · 03/09/2010 13:07

I wouldn't send my daughter again tbh. It all sounds vile tbh.

Original poster

bluetwo222 · 03/09/2010 13:09

To Dragonfly68,

I am aware that he will take me to court. I am not stopping access here, and he can still see her after school (he sees her every other wednesday for tea - I have asked him if he wants to do that weekly and he says no) its just the over night access I am concerned about.

If he gave me an undertaking that he would take in to consideration my concerns and that sharing a bed with a strange woman to our daughter is not sound, then there wouldnt be any issue. If we turned this on its head, say I allowed our daughter in to bed with me and a man she hardly knew, I feel alarm bells would be sounding, especially questioning why a man who didnt know our seven year old, want that? I know of no one who got in to bed with their step-parents, hence posting the question. But thank you for your response, it gives me something to thing about.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 13:10

sorrento....she has to. prison sentences are atached to contact orders when they are breached......dangerous to say she shouldnt send her again

op,if you have true welfare issues,contact cafcass officer,ss or the courts. dont break the order.....judges are getting hot on this,and are known to transfer residence

Original poster

bluetwo222 · 03/09/2010 13:11

Dragonfly68,

no one is disputing that her father is important in her life, especially me. It is the appropriateness of his actions while in her care that this thread is about. Of course ballet isnt as important as seeing her father, but she was seeing her dad, and she loves ballet. He could have been reasonable, but was not. He also didnt want her on xmas day, as he wanted to spend it with his girlfriend, so my offer for him to share xmases was dismissed in my favour.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 13:12

how long has he been with this girlfriend? was under impression she was long term

i was thinking the getting in bed with them was in the morning before everyone got up,for a story etc.....not to sleep

Gigantaur · 03/09/2010 13:12

If you prevent contact then you will be ion brach of the order and you will be taken to court. you will lose and be forced to pay fee's.

If your daughter s unhappy with the arrangement then you need to speak with him about this with your daughter.

sending a solicitors letter is antagonistic and he has had every right to respond in the way he has.

Whilst the situation with the sleeping arrangements would make me unhappy too his sexual antics really are none of your business and you have no right to go searching through his emails.
i am surprised he hasn't used teh fact you have invaded his privacy this way against you.

if your daughter is unhappy then try and get him to see reason. if she is being forced to do something she doesn't want to then speak to SS.

if she is happy to sleep together then really there is nothing you can do.

scaredoflove · 03/09/2010 13:33

I'm sorry to say it looks like you are looking for ways to sabotage the time your ex has with your daughter

Your daughter has a right to have a relationship with her father and long weekends are very good to enable this. The ballet on the friday evening was not a good reason to cut short their time together

Neither is the fact she would like to get into bed with her dad for a cuddle or even to sleep. If you enter another relationship, would you be happy for ex to dictate that your daughter is never to be in your bed?

His sexlife re the emails you found, have nothing to do with you and you really shouldn't have looked through it all and it certainly has no bearing on your daughters time with him

Please think on your reaction, it will not help in the long run

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 15:54

you do sound like you are looking for ways to prevent their relationship.....courts suss this out quite quickly,and hold a dim view.

havingtonamechange21 · 03/09/2010 22:00

My DSD gets into bed with me but she is much younger, please stop trying to ruin the relationship between a father and his daughter when you have already said he is a good dad in your OP.

hairytriangle · 04/09/2010 10:58

How does your daughter feel about being in their bed. Is it a morning cuddles thing? How did she tell you ...flippantly or concerned?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2010 11:10

THis does sound very much as though you want to rot up your XH's sex life as a punishment for dumping you and are trying to use your DD to do this.

Giddyup · 05/09/2010 14:06

My DS (nearly 8) gets into bed with my partner and I all the time, I would be horrified if my ex had anything to say on the matter. I am sure DS clambers in for a cuddle when I am not there too.

I have no idea whether the sam happens at is Dads house or not, I have never even thought about it.

If you ex is a good father and you have no other reservations I can't see how it would be a problem?

upsydaisy85 · 05/09/2010 20:44

My DSD(nearly 5) has always got into bed for a cuddle in a morning, she does it at her other house with her bio mum and stepdad. I really cant see an issue with it. We dont say 'come here' its usually a case of being woken by the little devil clambering into the bed at 6am. usually she then drops off for another hour.

Flip