New parents - Roles and responsibilities

[tatles]

Hi everyone, I've been following the forums at MN for a while and this is my first post. It's 01:46 am and after a day of caring for my5 1/2 month DD and all housework and admin I accumulate now that I am on maternity leave, I should be exhausted and asleep by now. Especially since DD is now sleeping through the night! Yet, I find myself awake despite having gone to bed at 10:30 pm... So I decided to get up for a bit and get some things off my chest, and see if any of you are/have gone through a similar situation and can offer any insight. So here it goes, sorry for the long post.

My DH had always been very participative in the household chores. We always worked long hours and travelled quite a bit for work, but supported each other to get things done. Basically I always have done most of the cooking, the admin (bank, bills...) and quick tidying. He would take care of all the laundry, most of dishwashing/kitchen tyding, car-related stuff, rubbish disposal and proper house cleaning was shared.

Ever since I've had our daughter and been on maternity leave, my husband considers taking care of my family and home to be my full time job (ironically he has never displayed any macho behaviour before and I always thought he was more a beta than alpha male). So he arrives home from work, sits on his side of the sofa and watches TV / surfs the net everyday, without EVER offering any help to me. Even if our baby is still awake, the task of giving her last bottle/putting to bed is on me (although he adores playing with her and is brilliant at that). Meanwhile, during the day I have run around to care for our baby, play with her, provide interaction with other babies at mums & babes groups AND care for him and the house - take his stuff to the dry cleaners, manage our bank accounts, do all our and baby's laundry, cook baby's purees, do dishes and sterilise baby's bottles, sort out the dripping tap... you name it, I do it.
When he arrives home from work, he has a rest. My new job unfortunately does not have the same benefit - as he arrives I usually still need to cook, set the table, then clean all the dinner stuff and prepare baby's stuff for the next day!! By the time I finish all it's 9:30-10:00pm, time for bed.
If I do ask for his help, he complains, or just does not do it justifying it by either saying I should not bother so much(his view is that I've developed some kind of obsessive compulsive cleaning disorder since having our baby...which I completely disagree of course!) or that he's worked 10-hours and that is his job whereas all the housework is mine! I am dreading going back to work, somehow I have a feeling this situation is not going to change a lot then.

Have you gone through a similar experience? How do you and DP share roles and responsibilities in your house? Any tips on how I can manage to get him to be more supportive and contribute more to our lives (and to keep my sanity)?

Thank you!

Why have you taken on so much? I haven't been in this situation because I expected dh to continue doing pretty much what he had done before dcs were born. I cook, do most of the laundry (although he will help out on the weekend and help me sort in the evening while we watch tv) and probably more real cleaning now than before (although neither of us do enough of that), and sort out the garden (again, not as much as it needs). He does the dishes after dinner, most of the financial admin (I deal with preschool and childcare), takes out bins, irons his work shirts, puts ds to bed while I put dd down, and spends a lot of time with the dcs when home.

Looking after dcs takes up a lot of time, they create a huge amount of extra housework and it isn't possible to get everything done during the day. Your dh should be helping out more. You must change the status quo right now or you will be stuck in this position for ages. You might also have to readjust your expectations of what you can achieve. Either way, I don't think you should be up till 10 with just one 5 month old to look after.

Oh my goodness, he really is taking you for a ride! How bizarre that he has changed completely. You need to stop this right now, you must be tired out all the time. When my dh gets home (he has a very physical, demanding job and works 6 sometimes 7 days a wk) he watches the dc's for me whilst I finish dinner - he'll change a nappy then/get drinks/tidy up the mess etc. After dinner he takes the dc's out for a walk so I can clear up a bit (or have a rest!) He then baths the dc, we both dry and dress them, I put them to bed after bf - he goes downstairs and fills dishwasher etc. We both then have a tidy around and sit down for the evening together.

Has your dh ever had your dd for the day alone? I found this the BEST and QUICKEST way to drum into my dh how much hard work it is! I would try and arrange for this to happen. You need to tell him that you just won't put up with this anymore, it really is not fair. What will happen if/when you have more dc? I hope you get this sorted..also a very bad way to show your daughter how 'equal' we all are!

P.s we are both sat down for our own time by 8 pm every night.

You need to put a stop to this now, before it becomes ingrained behaviour.

I expect the real issue is that he has no concept of how time consuming the childcare aspect of your day is. In his mind you are swanning about all day doing nothing while he is slaving away.
I suggest that you get him to take a week off work to just spend at home so that he can participate fully - if he moans and says 'it's my holiday', ask him when yours is.

Just to give you an idea - I'm a SAHM and DH works fulltime, long hours. He is normally gone by 7.30am and gets home at about 6.30pm on a good day.
This morning before he went he changed DS' nappy, made me tea and toast to have in bed. Took the washing out of the machine, put the dishwasher on and took the bins out.
My day today will consist of more washing, hoovering and dusting the house, taking DS to the park, picking up a parcel from the post office, paying the window cleaner and a few other bits and bobs.

I tend to do the majority of the actual cleaning, but DH does his fair share of all the ongoing stuff - dishwasher, washing, cooking, keeping the kitchen clean and tidy etc, and childcare.

Yes, evenings DH puts DS in the bath while I have 20 minutes peace and quiet, and then I go up and we put him to bed. I usually do bedtime stories while DH comes downstairs and starts clearing up. I join him once DS is down and always within half an hour of DS being in bed the two of us are sat down and the rest of the evening is free.

I would absolutely not stand for DH sitting on his arse while I scurried round tidying up and doing jobs, but then DH wouldn't do it.

No. This is wrong.

He should still be doing all the things he used to do and then on top of that helping out with DD when he gets home. He should also be giving you some time away from DD at the weekend so you can go out and get some time to yourself as well.

I dont see why he cannot still do what he used to do and a bit with DD on top of that.

Obvioulsy I am a Beta male.

Thanks so much for all your posts, it really confirmed my feeling of how unequal our split has become. And what makes it worse is that instead of having an honest discussion about our roles and responsibilities my DH's attitude is to avoid it by putting the blame on me and labelling me the cleaning freak!

Tryingtoleave - I've taken so much because if I don't do it, it does not get done. Bills don't get paid, bottles don't get sterilised, we don't eat...

As per Alibaba's and mamasunshine's suggestion I will have him stay with DD for a full day (a week off on hols isn't really a possibility right now). He has spent a few hours with her but never a full day, and always makes it feel like he has done me a huge favour!! Not a beta like been beta at all.

Also, given his very defensive attitude, how would you approach the problem with him? I've thought about being straight forward once again and backing my arguments by showing some of the posts from here. But I really want to have a constructive discussion this time.

Thanks once again!

Relate.

He's treating you like you're his servant and not equal to him, and instead of getting angry you've allowed yourself to take on this role. Why aren't you angry? Anyway, if he's devalued you this much, why would he listen to what you have to say? He has so much (leisure time, a free housekeeper/PA) to lose. So a 3rd party (Relate counsellor or similar) may be useful to help him see his behaviour from the outside.

Good luck. Lots of women get into this position. Get out now. (Of the position, not necessarily the marriage!)

I think what you are experiencing if very common to what myself, and most of my friends have experienced. Having a baby involves a series of gear changes. At first you may have been happy to do everything and now you are taking stock.

At about the same time as you, I start to step out of the haze and wanted DP to help more. He was actually quite terrified to start bathing etc and, not having much of an example from his dad, quite unsure of what I wanted.

Think about what would work better for you both, and divvy up the work - both baby and household. Explain to him that it is the right time and that, as baby gets older, you may need to change the schedule again, and again.

You can say to him that of course there is more cleaning once you have a baby. They are on the floor and you don't want them rolling round in dust and dirt.

The other point, is that a house just gets dusty when there are people in it. If before you had DD you were both working long hours and often away with work, then I expect the house didn't hoovering and dusting very often. But now you and DD are in the house every day, in and out with the buggy bringing outside dirt inside, so of course it needs cleaning more often.
In exactly the same way, you will be horrified at your heating bill this winter because you will need to have it on much more of the time!

He is being daft. At best he just hasn't thought through the full implications of having a baby, at worst he is being deliberately lazy and chauvinistic.

How much does his mother do around the house? I suspect what has happened is the label for you in his brain has switched from "wife" (i.e. equal) to "mother" (i.e. doer of all domestic chores) It's a fairly common reaction.

Sod the day looking after her. Wait till next Friday. The moment he comes in from work, hand the child over, say "Thank goodness it's the weekend, I can finally have some time off" then disappear off until very late on Sunday night or Monday morning if you can manage it. When you get back ask where your clean clothes are, commment on the devestation that has been visited amongst your living area and complain about the lack of food in the fridge. In short, act like a man.

DH's decision to become a SAHD was a massive eye opener for him. I think he thought it would be all gentle walks in the park and listening to music as his daughter gurgled prettily on his lap.

We have 3 dcs (4,3 and 8 weeks) and I wouldn't be able to cope if dh and I didn't share the workload.

I think you have to do 2 things.

1. Write a list of all the chores and stuff that have to be done, day to day (washing bottles, meals, tidying up, laundry, bathing los etc) and weekly (big cleaning, shopping etc). Then work out between you who does what, there are some jobs that dh is better at than me and vice versa, but we pretty much do anything on the list. When I was in hospital and ill with ds, dh just got on with everything. I think sometimes people find it hard to hand over a job to someone else (eg, I wince when dh hangs out the washing because I am anal about it!) But everyone has different ways of doing stuff, and as long as the job gets done, who cares.

2. Try not to worry about maintaining too high a standard. I am one of life's natural born lazybones, so it comes easily to me. But I have friends who get quite fraught when things in the house aren't perfect (I'm not saying you are like this btw). I agree with tryingtoleave, in that I don't see how you can be so busy until 10pm with one 5 month old, but this might just be that with each child my standards have dropped!

Dh and I try to aim to sit down together every evening, whether for a meal or a glass of wine or to watch TV, and that each of us will have half an hour to have a relaxing bath or go for a walk. but in order to do so we both whizz around getting stuff ready for school, tidying up, playing with ds etc.

I hope you can get something sorted.

I do the housework, childcare, all the traditional women's work, dp brings in all the money.
he has never bathed the kids or changed a nappy.
This arrangement suits us. i can't see the point in both people doing the same job.

Blimey kitty - he's never bathed his kids? I think that's quite sad actually, he has really missed out.

Well I don't think bathing the kids is a great joyous thing to do. Infact It's a right pain, I'd rather not do it either!

Wow kitty - I completey agree with alibaba, my dh loves his time bathing our dc's!

Ah, well it takes all sorts. Actually dp is working at bathtime.

Well I think it is a pain if you've already done all the other childcare and jobs that day, because it just becomes one more thing on the list. But DH and DS love it, it is their time every day.

Doesn't have to be bathtime though, could be anything. Surely your DP gets involved with 'women's work' at weekends though?

my dh baths ds (while i clean up after blw... ) and this is important as ds gets to bond with dh. It's their thing. kitty i think the point in "both trying to do the same job" is that one of those jobs is 24/7. Imo dh does his share because he is also ds's parent.
Op, remind your dp that your dd's model of a future partner will be based on how he acts as she is growing up. Does he want her to seek out someone who expects her to do everything for him? Just be honest and point out that how things stand is not fair.
There is no way i would put up with this. Plus dh would never try it.

as far as I'm concerned my job is stay at home mum - not skivvy! During the daytime my job is to look after the kids, keep the house clean (ish) for them, cook their food, take them out and try and make life entertaining/educational for them. In the evenings when DH is home it feels like my 'day at work' so to speak is finished, and it is all hands on deck!

DH gets home at 7, immediately takes over with our elder DD (age 2.5) and does the bath/bedtime routine while I BF DD2 (11 weeks) and if I get the chance try and cook our dinner. If DD2 is being demanding and I can't cook, then DH does it after putting DD1 to bed. We both pitch in with dishes etc, he makes his own sandwiches for work and does his own ironing (his shirts are the only thing that get ironed in this house!) I tend to do the clothes washing as he is rubbish at it. The bigger cleaning jobs like hoovering, dusting etc tend to get left to the weekend at the moment - I was a bit better at it before DD2 came along!

I think you need to give him a job to do with DD - perhaps bath and last bottle? And DON'T hover over him saying do it this way/that way, let him find his own way of doing it. And get him to at least do the bloody dishes after you've cooked him a meal, even my FIL does that, and he is the most caveman-like man I know!

Most of all you need to stop putting up with it!

Just to say you need to let your DH know that your situation is NOT normal (or shouldn't be) in the 21st century! My DH takes DS (9 months) when we wakes (at 6.30ish), dresses him and gives him breakfast, then comes and wakes me at 7.30 with a cup of tea. After work we all hand out together or take turns - one with the baby, one relaxing or doing housework. Then we bathe and put DS down together - I finish that off whilst he makes dinner usually, and we both clear up afterwards before watching TV together (from 8pm ish). This isn't to boast or say that we are perfect (we manage to bicker quite a lot anyway), but just to give you an example of what one man does. At the weekends we both spend at least one morning doing major tidying/cleaning. He does all the bills, his work shirt ironing, the bins, most of the cooking. I do the day to day cleaning and tidying, the laundry, DS's food, most of the shopping. Our house is not super clean but it's OK. You definitely need to get your DH to understand that you are BOTH working all day, and need to share the housework the rest of the time. Good luck! :)

hang out together...

Me and OH have always worked full time - he with own business and me with a job that requires lots of work to be brought home too, so in the 10 years we were together before having DD everything was split absolutely evenly. We have the same mindset about how our house is run etc.

When I was on maternity leave, I was quite happy to do most things around the house (although DD was a very easy baby, and I am talking after the first couple of months). It seemed only fair and as another poster put, above, who is a SAHM, it worked for us.

When I went back to work when DD was 7 months old, one of my biggest fears was the rod I'd built for my own back with regard to everything I was doing at home (cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc) - it took a while for DH to get his head around the fact that me going back to work would mean not only great changes all of a sudden for me, but for him aswell. To be honest, we've a good balance once again but the first few months back were hell.

One thing that used to p me off at first was that my OH could come in from work, then just nip out say, down to his brother's for an hour, without having a second thought, or stop off for a drink on his way home from work if he can help it. I'm getting off the OP here but my point is that what a number of other posters have said is true - one afternoon when OH came home, I was ready and waiting with my car keys and as soon as he went in said "Just nipping out darl", went for a lovely drive round town, went and got my car washed, nipped round to a friend's for a quick cuppa and came back about 2 hours later. Actually I couldn't believe the wonders that doing that worked.

It's really important that he is involved with baby, the time passes so quick when they're tiny. And you deserve better.

I'm so glad I read this. My DD is 10wks old.

My DH used to be great at sharing the jobs, but ever since I've been on Maternity Leave he's stopped helping as much as the house and baby are 'my job.'
I was starting to feel like I'm not cut out for parenthood as I don't feel like I'm staying on top of everything.
Picked up some tips here :)