How do I encourage a shy 9-year old to speak up?

[purpleturtle]

DD is testing my patience this afternoon! First day of term today, and the class have been asked to nominate or volunteer for school council. DD has volunteered, so needs to come up with a little vote-for-me speech for her class tomorrow.

For 20 minutes she has been sitting with a blank piece of paper. I have attempted to prompt with "Why do you want to be on school council?", "Why do you think you'll be good on school council?", "Why should people vote for you?". And she hasn't given me a single word in reply.

I have a very different personality, and find the lack of response really frustrating. Which is very unhelpful of me. I have now pointed out that if she is on school council, she will be expected to offer an opinion. More silence.

I don't think it's worth putting words in her mouth to get her elected. Am I being too harsh?

Did she really want to do it? I know you say she volunteered, but maybe she was encouraged to volunteer by the teacher.

Were you shy in all situations, or just some?

I am aware that DD speaks to people much more readily when I'm not there. In fact, she can be a real chatterbox. But if I'm there, she can barely bring herself to answer the question "What's your name" when somebody asks her. I try not to answer for her. But sometimes, she does answer in a voice so quiet I end up sort of interpreting for her. All a bit awkward, really.

I have this feeling that I must have got something really wrong at some point, but I don't know how to make it right.

I think she does actually want to do it, and I do think she has volunteered. She just doesn't seem to be able to say why.

I was a very very shy child, born to my lovely but very loud, very chatty mum. As a result she would jump in and answer for me instead of letting me getting on with it. The result was I barely spoke a word in the company of my family until I was an adult, yet in peer company I could chat along with the rest of them. Even now at the age of 31 I find it awkward interacting with my family yet have no problem with friends, colleagues or strangers.

If, as you say, she can speak to people when you're not there, chances are she will be fine. I'd leave her to it, she knows what she has to do, and she may even feel awkward showing you her speech - I would have been with my mum.

I can understand how frustrating it must be for you but generally I would try and leave her to speak for herself, and avoid saying things like 'oh she's just shy', or 'are you going to tell mrs X what your name is' - just leave it, and let her learn to interact with people in your presence.

Thanks EagleNebula. I will try harder to stop answering for her. I am aware that I still do it sometimes, but that's because it really does get quite awkward! I'll be talking to an adult, DD will join us, and the other adult will try to include DD in the conversation. Queue lengthy awkward silence - which often leads to the words "she's quite shy, isn't she?" being spoken over her.

This parenting lark is quite hard sometimes, isn't it?

purple - can you prime the adults you talk to most, to say something along the lines of 'hello dd, nice to see you' and then carry on chatting to you. She might then say something, in her own time.

Believe me, there's nothing worse than being labelled shy, over and over again. It's a label that sticks.

Thanks for that suggestion, Werewolf. Can try that - although I suppose most people we know well are already familiar with how it goes.

Do you have any suggestions for handling situations where there are numbers of people we don't know very well? DH has recently become a vicar - we're frequently expected to chat over coffee to people who don't know us very well - and DD sticks to us because it's 'safe', but then ends up being asked to make small talk.

It helps just to write this stuff down, actually. I hadn't even really thought that bit through before.

Incidentally: she has just used DS1 as a guinea-pig for her speech. She will be good on school council because she can think of ideas that will be good for school, she wants the responsibility and believes she can handle it, and she's a good listener.