PND at nearly 9.5 months or just circumstances getting me down?

[QueenSconetta]

Morning All

I'd really appreciate some advice/help please if you have a moment.

My DD is nearly 9 months old, and I've just gone back to work. (This is week 3, not that I'm counting).

I just feel a little bit overwhelmed with everything and am struggling to be reasonable a lot of the time, especially with DP. I'm kind of struggling to express this in words.

I'm a bit concerned that PND might be creeping in - is that possible at this stage?

I'm just so ratty with everyone at the moment, I feel like everyone is always criticising me and I'm always snapping at them, especially DP who seems to enjoy winding me up, but the sensible part of my head says he is just trying to be funny.

I feel like I'm stretched to breaking point with everything and spend a lot of time either pointlessly crying or on the verge of it.

Maybe its just I need to get used to how things are now. On a work day I get up at 5.30am, shower etc and get ready, wake DD at about 6.30am get her dressed and ready and drop her to to either childminder or my Mum's where she gets breakfast etc. Then I get the train to work, finishing in time to get the train home at 5 and I'm home for 6pm. Usually DP has collected DD, if not I collect her and fetch her home (she has already had tea), then we play for a little while, then bath, bottle and bed. Once she is asleep, we make tea, do things like washing and sorting out DDs stuff for the morning, then eat tea and usually I fall asleep on the sofa, then head to bed at about 10am.

My Mum is very good and takes DD 2 days a week, but my Dad is quite disabled and she struggles to cope with that emotionally sometimes and gets at him all the time, then moans about him to me, which again I'm struggling to cope with holding everybody up at the moment.

I don't really want to go to the doctors as I'm not convinced this is PND. I don't want to go down the medication route, and I think this is what they'll suggest.

Thank you for letting me ramble this far, its good to get it all out.

ANy ideas for coping better strategies gratefully received, x.

I do think it is really hard to get back into the working routine when you have had a break and have now got a little one to take care of. Do you work full time?

I'm working 4 days cupofcofee, until hopefully next April at least so that is good. I do treasue my day at home with DD, x.

I think you sound really tired. You have a very long day with your commute and sorting out DD. Do you think guilt at going back to work my be making you feel worse as well?

Do you get to sleep in a bit later at weekends?

I think you could be right tutu, I'm just so bloody tired all the time.

Sleeping later at the weekends is at DDs discretion, lol, but usually a little bit.

I do feel guilting about leaving her, although I think going to the childminder is good for her. I am very much in the grips of 'why am I paying someone to look after my child when I want to be with her myself?'. Sadly financially that's not an option.

I guess maybe reality is just biting, x.

I've been having similar thoughts Queen, in that I do not know where the line between exhaustion and depression blurs. How can you tell when one is the other or is one the cause of the other? I have been driving myself crazy thinking this.

Does your DP know how you feel? I was a ball of miserable, seething resentment to my DP as I could not understand why he carried on as if me being so cross, tearful, detached was normal. It came to a head in an angry shouty way last week but he's now read up on PND, gets how I'm feeling to some extent. I don't think he realised how bad it was getting for me, and actually just his acknowledgement I have been struggling has done wonders for my mental state. You need someone on your side I think, not someone who thinks you are the same person they can joke around with because you are not. You will be, but you are far too tired and fragile at the moment.

If you go to your doctor they may be able to refer you for counseling or CBT instead of anti-depressants? To help you sort through your feelings, if your head is in a jumble this really would help. I have had CBT in the past, which I think is the only reason I have managed to get so far.

Thank you Chutes, its nice to know I'm not the only one. Will definitely give it some thought, I guess I don't want to acknowledge if it is PND, not sure why. Maybe I'm too used to trying to be super-fixit-woman and have to learn to stop that.

I suppose also my job is in dispute resolution so I am either refereeing fights between people or involved in them so that probably doesn't help!

I think it sounds like guilt is making you feel worse. I know when I feel guilty about something to do with the kids (if I feel I'm not doing what I think is best for them because of things outside my control) then I get very angry and snappy with others, that combined with tiredness makes me feel like I really can't cope.

I don't have experience of going back to work as I've been a SAHM for the last 5 years, but I do have 2 kids that quite literally don't sleep and the exhaustion from that means that I regularly have days when I can barely function. I am in awe of Mum's who manage to work as there is no way I can!

I think it is probably going to take quite a while for you to adapt to your new routine. Have you got any holiday you could book so that you have some time scheduled in when you can look forwards to being with your DD?

Thanks for being so kind Tutu, I am quite lucky in that since she has been about 8 months DD has slept pretty well, although I quake in my boots every time I say that, lol!

I am trying to save my hols so I can use them for my 1 day a week off, plus its hard to actually fit AL in because my 2 colleagues have hardly had any AL while I was on Mat Leave and are now trying to use theirs up where as I get to carry mine over. It shouldn't be that way but it is!

I do have some time booked off in November for her birthday so that will be good.

Today hasn't been too bad so I will focus on the positives. Tea is on, washing is on, my pyjamas are on so that's good. Work has been a bit like wading through treacle in flippers but you can't win em all, x.

Well you've got through another day! I think your post sounds like you are a bit more positive. Hopefully you will start feeling happier about things, but if not please see your GP or HV, it might not be PND or need any kind of treatment, but I find that quite often just talking about a problem helps me deal with it.

Hope you get a good night sleep.