Just can't bear to think he's lonely!!

[Flowertop]

My 12 year old DS - I have written about over the years but not for some time - does not seem to have any friends. He has had one good friend over the last 2 years but now appears that this has run its course and he is on his own again. I don't deal with it very well and worry about it all constantly. He does not like having kids back to the house, can't explain why and won't have a birthday outing with friends. He will go to their birthdays (rarely asked!) but won't have his own. one of his teachers commented a few years ago that he doesn't reach out to people which I can see but can't help as he won't let me in to how he feels. He is very non tactile (hates cuddles etc. always has done) and doesn't open up to conversation. He is a beautiful/witty child who I love dearly but his lack of friendships really cuts me up (I know probably more my problem). I worry that he will get into his teens and be very lonely. I want to be able to let this go but can't seem to.

Some children are naturally more loners, happy in their own company. I'm sure he'll find a good friend soon, and he'll be fine.

It's natural to worry about it.

have you asked him why he doens't want a birthdya party - is he worried about being centre of attention? Maybe explain you could do smaller thing, such as movie and burgers for a smaller group?

He'll be fine in long run - but that doesn't make you feel better now does it? :)

Is he happy in himself? If he is I'd try not to worry.

Hi FT. I too have a 12 year old DS who I constantly worry about regarding friendships. He has very few friends although he is actually quite sociable and not shy. It breaks my heart as he feels rejected at times although sometimes I think he quite enjoys being on his own. He has mild special needs which were not very apparent at primary school but have become more noticeable to others since joining secondary school. He rarely gets invted to birthday parties these days although he will be having his own one soon and it is with some relief that the friends who were invited have notified us to say they are coming. I too worry about him becoming lonely especially as he is the type of child who needs to talk over his problems. All I can do is be there for him. Does your DS seem happy? It may be that he enjoys his own company - no bad thing.

Thanks so much for your lovely replies. I think the problem is I see all these kids at school having play dates and teaming up together and he is usually the one not invited or not having that closeness with anyone. I have asked him why he doesn't like to have friends over and he says that he likes to go to their houses first (which he is rarely invited to if ever!) and can't explain why I think it's a confidence thing. The older he gets I can't keep trying to organise things as he has to do this for himself which is why I am worrying now as I can't really help him. I suggest asking just a few kids for his birthday (I would have the whole school if he would agree) but he just won't do it. He believes that no-one really does play dates or that none of the other bosy see each other out of school which I know is not the case. He does not seem overly worried but I just don't want him to end up lonely.

If it isn't a problem for him then it isn't really a problem.

Being a loner doesn't make someone lonely. I like being alone, I seem to have stumbled into a family situation, but am never happier than when kids are in bed and DH is away on business.

When I was a child I have very few friends, I found making connections with people very difficult, I don't know why. It knocked my confidence and I was a bit miserable (though your son may not be) but when I left school everything just clicked into place and I still am very close to about a dozen good friends I made at 6th form. I did some drama which really helped my confidence, I still find meeting new people hard work and feel a bit awkward in large groups of people, but am not shy anymore and have good friends.

Being a child is difficult for some people, he may or may not be lonely, but friendships as an adult are much easier. I would find out if he wants to make more friends, if so it maybe that something outside of school would a better place to socialise, football team or scouts or drama group? School is difficult if you aren't part of the popular crowd.