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Parenting

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Original poster

Rights questions...

9 replies

crazyhayz · 25/08/2010 12:31

Hi all, im new to Mumsnet, joined today :) I look forward to talking with u all in the future :)

I have a quick question.

I am a lone parent to my 23 month old son. His dad is on the birth certificate but we have never lived together. We have been on and off for 5 years so we never thought it was a good idea. Basically, my son is starting nursery in September when i start a full time college course (yay!), and we both had to sign a parental responsiblity form, but deep down im really not happy about him being able to just collect him if he wishes and I not know a thing about it, because its his right as his father. He has been a bit controlling in the past and I do wonder if he'd pick him one day and not tell me just to spite me and stress me out. Probably wouldnt but i dont want to risk this doubt..

Im also worried in the future about him deliberatly being difficult with decision i make for our son as he WILL NEVER let me get my own way, he HAS to have a say and he pretty much always get his own way as i give in for a stress-free life.. but I WANT to know the school i decide to take him to (i know whats best for him as his father really doesnt care about things like this,but will ACT like he does!) And things like taking him on holiday abroad, he will NEVER let me take him abroad, no way on this planet, just to spite me and get control, so that gets me down that im never guna be able to take him abroad :(

He says he has full responsbilities over him just like i do so its only fair he gets to make decisions for him in his life etc etc, and i agree with this, but its the kinda person he is, he wouldnt compromise, he'd want it his way or no way, and he'd go to solicitor the lot, he will NOT lose and knows his rights through and through and is VERRRRY manipulative..but i just feel so unhappy about all of this, because of what hes been like to me in the past. I know i have to accept that he does have the same rights as me, but surely theres something different because im classed as a lone parent and hes never ONCE lived with me and his son, hes a student and doesnt pay maintenance because he 'doesnt have to as hes on low income' but does buy me his nappies..

I sometimes regret putting him on the birth certificate as he loves it that hes got control and theres nothing i can do about it.. ive wrote on the nursery form to contact me before handing him over to his father or anyone for that matter, but im worried they wont as he has 'rights' like i do! But i must have more as he resides with me?!! Grrr im getting so stressed and worried about this... I suffer with panic and anxiety disorder, so this is just making me worse. What would all of you do/say in this prodiciment? (cant spell lol)

Thanks guys :) xx

hayz :)xx

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Pioneer · 25/08/2010 12:39

I don't think that not putting him on the birth certificate would have made a difference, but I could be wrong.

I think if he has signed the form at the nursery then he will be allowed to pick him up, however if he turns up and to collect him and you have not already told them that "a different person to you will be collecting him", then I'm not sure if they will just let him go without checking with you first. Not 100% sure on that one though.

Can you make an appointment with your local Citizens Advice Bureau to go through your rights etc, or could you claim legal aid and get some sort of an agreement or contact order put in place?

Pioneer · 25/08/2010 12:44

This website is very good parentlineplus

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 25/08/2010 12:46

Are you scottish? Under scottish law if the father is on the birth certificate (i.e. present at its issuing), then the father has equal parental responsibility (except, bizarrely, over vaccinations).

If you are scottish I guess you would need to get lawyers involved to have these rights removed. And he does have equal rights, although I think courts tend to side with the mother in custody stuff?

re the nursery have a chat to them, and just ask them to let you know if he collects - I'm sure they would do this for you...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting

Original poster

crazyhayz · 25/08/2010 12:48

We decided not to get solicitors involved as it got messy last time and obv not good for our son. Hes a good dad but just doesnt like me getting my own way when it comes to our son. Even if he agrees on something he will deliberatly disgaree just to be difficult and controlling. Yes i spose a visit to them would help massively, they would definitely know more. Yes i think the nursery will probably phone me if he just turned up to get him, what if i say to them "if i havent said someone else is collecting him then it will be ME" yes???? When i said to him that they will have to notify me if he turns up to get him he said 'no they wont im his dad and ur taking away my rights as his father'. so im worried about doing this incase he goes to a solicitor. But i keep thinking, as he lives with me, and im his sole carer, I would deffo have to be notified of someone else collecting him surely?? Even his dad i should be told surely???

OP posts:

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 25/08/2010 12:49

Under English law if the father is on the birth certificate (and the child born after Dec 2003) then he has parental responsibility, too.

Original poster

crazyhayz · 25/08/2010 12:53

No im not scottish, but i think ur right about the laws.. he does have equal rights to me, but how do i fight things in the future if hes being deliberatly difficult? i.e aboiut what schoo, he attends?? I want him to go to one thats nearest to where i live, and where my mum lives (so its easiest if he needs collecting and im at college or have an appointment for example) which makes sense, but he wants him to go to one thats nearest to him and has better education?? even though the school near me is better than that one, coz ive looked on the ofsted report website. (he says he went there and he knws it better!) so pathetic.. im at my wits end, hes guna control my life and my decisions even when im not with him, its guna be never ending... :(

OP posts:

Pioneer · 25/08/2010 12:57

That's what I thought too ProfessorLayton.

Pretty sure the DP will have equal parental responsibility.

I'm not sure why you allowed him to sign the form at the nursery if you were unhappy with him collecting him?

I think you need to establish what your rights are and get some sort of agreement put in place.

Involving solicitors does not have to get messy, and like I said you will probably qualify for legal aid. As your son is still very young, I doubt it would affect him at all unless you let it.

Original poster

crazyhayz · 25/08/2010 13:00

Yeah i know but as hes his father and has the same rights then i thought hed go mad if he didnt come to the nursery to sign the forms.. i know it should be that way but if he wasnt 'the way he was' with me and just difficult in general, then i wouldnt have a problem, but i spose im just guna get the nursery to inform me if anyone turns up to collect him and i dont know about it, whether he likes it or not i dont care. Yes i will be visiting CAB soon and asking them the best way forward.

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:

Pippaandpolly · 26/08/2010 22:40

I think, though I couldn't swear to it, that unless you have a court order which gives you full parental responsibility then the school is legally required to listen to both of you - in so far as they are doing the right thing for the child. I work at a boarding school and one of my girls, who is 17, hadn't seen her father for 15 years, but her parents had never got divorced, just separated and he'd disappeared. He showed up at school one evening, which she found really upsetting, and demanded to see her and take her out, even though her mother didn't want him to. We were able to say no because it wasn't in her best interests (the girl was hysterical by this point), from the point of view of protecting her, but if she had been happy with it then we'd have let her go, even though her mother didn't want it, because unless there's a legal piece of paper then both parents are entitled to equal rights. (In the end he made an appointment and came in another time, with the girl's permission first, and they had a cup of tea and have begun rebuilding their relationship - very slowly.) Incidentally, if she'd been much younger - and there's no age that I'm aware of where it's official, just up to judgement - we'd have made the decision on her behalf. So if she'd been 12 (or whatever) we'd have said no, even if she'd wanted to see him, because the situation seemed dodgy. It's a giant responsibility for a school to navigate relationships like that - it's a lot easier if there's a court order that says one thing or another, though usually that comes as a result of a really sad parental break up so it's not something I'd wish on anyone.

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