I've been a hermit this summer...impact on 2yo DD?

[titferbrains]

Sorry, this will be a long one. I have ups and downs (mild depression, I suppose) and tend to stay at home a lot as a result. When DD's playgroup endded this year, I got a bit panicked and couldn't face going to a new group/music session etc. So I've mostly been pottering at home. Haven't taken her to any music classes, just playgrounds a few times a week. No swimming. Am now feeling horribly guilty and worried that I am passing on my anxieties to her. She has no friends yet (she'll be 2 in sept) and I have hardly any friends - my own fault because I get anxious about things and then tend to bury my head in the sand and carry on alone rather than calling people and trying to re-connect. It's an awful habit.

DD is very sociable, chatty, friendly and loving, but she doesn't connect with other kids when she plays, she tries to stroke their hair, and loves babies, but doesn't actually play with them. I know she is still young but I am worried about how I will make friends or how she will make friends in the future.

Please hold my hand, tell me it will be ok and that somehow I will get out of this rut and will meet some nice people soon...She starts nursery in jan 2011. Am crossing everything that she'll find a good friend or 2 there.

I have spoken to my GP about depression, was referred to a counsellor who I really didn't like or feel comfortable with. She saw me once and basically said it didn't seem that I needed her support. I am generally fine and I do make friends but I am also very conscious of my anxiety around making new friends, and even keeping in touch with old ones (wondering if they want to hear from me, if I bore them etc.).

Just feeling really sad about her upcoming bday and the fact that I can't arrange any kind of party (I make cakes for extra cash so this is a bit awful for me!) because she doesn't really have any proper friends who she regularly sees. I feel so, so bad about that this knowing it's my fault.

My DS2 has just turned 2. I remember when my DS1 was that age I was worried about him not having 'friends' as I seemed incapable of getting past the just chatting stage at music groups/swimming. My DS1 was very sociable and confident at 2 and at 5 he's still sociable and confident. Your pottering around the house won't have impacted her at all....she just loves being with you. Not connecting with other kids is normal for this age - they parallel play (ie pretty much ignore each unless they want the same toy) and don't play 'with' each other at this stage. Perfectly normal. Her birthday....make her a lovely cake - take her to the park or make a day of it somewhere (cheap/free! Library's often have bounce n rhyme sessions/craft session). She'd be happy indoors though with you or in the garden playing. Lots of time for friends, honestly. You're not letting her down and you haven't done anything detrimental that its your fault for!!! Be kind to yourself!

And BTW....that counsellor sounds rubbish! How very helpful of them?!

I recently went for counselling on the NHS...it was an online CBT course for anxiety. You just work through it yourself at your own pace. I actually didn't think it'd be all that useful, but it wasn't bad - some quite good tools actually.
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

If you go to Resources and Consumers there are other modules for depression etc. if you're more interested in that.

And I found the Paul McKenna How to deal with Stress or Overcoming Stress very good too....

Anyway....might be worth a shot....or speak to your GP and see if there are any other options (my GP seemed to have several options for referring patients for counselling).

Hi titferbrains I can identify with a lot of your post, I find the whole friendships thing very very hard. I sent a text to an old school friend today (a biggie for me!) and they haven't replied yet so I'm imagining all sorts of things!

I too was v anxious with my 1st child dd now 4 and totally overcompensated arranging meet ups making sure she had something on every weekend and loads of groups despite HATING it. She's made friends totally naturally through nursery and at just 2 they aren't really ready for proper friends, they're quite happy with their parents/carers. Now I have ds my second I'm far more relaxed about it, he's 11m, we go out to the park ocassionally but mainly just potter and read at home. And we're both happy. I'm not going to make any concerted effort with playdates etc. with him until he's 3 or older.

Please don't worry, your dd is fine, she'll be having a lovely time and will enjoy a lovely family birthday. that's all she needs

BTW I'm a part qualified CBT therapist and the way you talk about your behaviour being a habit makes me think CBT may be helpful for you. You can ask for a referral via your GP. Best of luck.

Wow, thanks so much for responding everyone.

Yes, I think CBT might help me get out of my bad routines. Will try to see GP about this, I didn't go back to discuss anything else after seeing that counsellor.

I feel sure that my dd's lovely personality will take her a long way in life but just watching her in the playground today I felt sad that she didn't recognise anyone. Very conscious of other mums greeting each other, saying hello to various kids etc. I live practically opposite a playground so ridiculous not to know anyone by name, for example.

DD is starting to occasionally list all the people she knows, then looks at me expectantly, like she wants to see them, she is really connecting with people at the moment hence my sadness about not having people to visit.

We are doing nice things tmw in the morning and the afternoon and I'm feeling quite relieved about that, after a bit of a crap week.

She is such a lovely little girl, I just want the best for her, no different to any other parent.

I'm waffling but thanks very much for listening. I am so, so grateful for my discovery of MN way back when I was pregnant. I don't know how I would have got this far without it!

zam, just having a look at your link, looks great. Amazing that these things are all there at your fingertips!

Will try to have a look at the mckenna book while we're at story time tmw...

Thanks again for posting, really kind of you!

Whereabouts are you from Titferbrains? I'm sure a get together could be arranged via mumsnet. Have you checked out your mumsnet local?

I think your DC is absolutely fine pottering at home at this age but I think it would do your confidence the world of good to get out a little.

I have suffered from social anxiety at times so I totally understand where you are coming from. The more you do it the easier it becomes.

I used to wait for people to text/phone me to arrange play dates just to be certain that they did actually want to meet. Then, after seeing friends sometimes I would worry that I had bored them to death. I think the anxiety can make us over analyse every little thing when really what we need to do is just chill out.

I'm in SW london, ironic as there are so many mums round here, but I've just not found it easy to make friends with them... I do keep an eye on MN local, but our board isn't wildly active.

Have enjoyed seeing people over the past week, and feeling better that term will start again soon and I can try to start a routine for my little girl.

Glad you've had a better week :) I'm from the midlands- our board is dead as a door nail too.

Just keep up the effort socially- make like a london socialite . It will pay off in the end.

I always find, if you're shy, ask questions- people love talking about themselves and their offspring!