How to handle toddler tantrums - newish sibling?

[Toddlertrauma]

Going to post this in Behaviour/Development too as not sure where it fits best...

Anyway I have two DDs, one aged 2.9 and the other 18 weeks. The two year old dealt very well with her sister's arrival - the expected bouts of jealousy but also much love and pride in her little sister. I am not sure to what extent her current behaviour can be associated with her having a newish sibling or whether it's something else. It doesn't seem to be directed at her sister but I know it could be a result of it.

To cut a long story short, in the last couple of weeks she has been very very difficult. Screaming when she doesn't get her own way, hitting us (not other people/kids), telling her grandparents to go away and that she only wants us and not them, clinging to us. I am really hurt by her rudeness to her grandparents and total refusal at times to play with them - they have played a big role in her life, and have played with her a lot, and she has always been so affectionate to them. Now sometimes she cries when she sees them. It isnt that she thinks I'll leave her with them as I never do now I'm on ML (I did one day a week before - 2 days she did at nursery - and she liked both nursery and being with her gps then). I don't really know what it is.

She may be overtired - she has always had difficulties sleeping, and is hyperstimulated during the day - she's a very articulate and aware child. She often seems to be tired, rubbing her eyes and saying she wants to sleep, but then doesn't when she tries.

She may be jealous.

She may just be being a 2 year old! But this last week there have been screaming fits every day, and she has been hitting, etc.

How would you handle this? I can't let her get away with hitting, obviously, but what about everything else? Should we try to do more things as two sets of two rather than as a foursome (DH, me, her and DD2) so she feels she has time with us alone? (I am ebf DD2 so this isnt going to be easy for me and DD2 doesnt take a bottle). Should we assume it's a phase?

I feel so low about this and feel I am handling it very badly.... any advice gratefully received!

If it's just been a couple of weeks then I would assume it's a phase. I find that increasingly dd1 (2.11) will be awful for a week or so, then suddenly seems to have a developmental leap or a growth spurt. They seem to be increasingly very distinct phases she goes through, and it took me a few times to realise what was going on. They must just make her really tired. I'm not saying don't carry on being consistent with discipline, boundaries etc, but just that you might find it stops as quickly as it started (fingers crossed).

I thought I knew how to deal with tantrums but after this week realise I have no clue (dd 7, ds 5 & 3) - may advice is to wait 50ish years and they should pass.

Will be watching thread for any tips!

Just re-read that and realised it was a pants reponse I've got some really good advice from Divas and Dicators by Charlie Taylor. Helps you to understand why she is getting angry and your reaction to her anger.

Finally when you feel like you are completely going to lose it - throw her on the floor and have a good tickle - you'll both feel better for it.

Hope it gets better soon (in my experience the tantums get further apart so give you some breathing space)

Also, if you can just find time to have a cuddle and watch a DVD/read a book or whatever when your dd2 is napping, I'm sure she would love it. I know it's difficult, only had 21 months between mine and dd2 also wouldn't take a bottle, but I promise you it does all settle back into place again.

And re the grandparent thing, it must be horrible for them and you, but probably the less fuss you make over it to your dd the better. If she doesn't want to play with them, then don't force her, just let her get on with her own thing when they are around. I remember dd1 went through a wierd thing where she was scared of my dad at around the time of dd2's birth; is fine now.

Good luck, it is a difficult time for all of you.

Thank you both for your messages - it helps!

The book looks ideal - shame about the wait on Amazon but will order it anyway, thanks.

I hadn't considered it being a phase but am now wondering. I am going to try harder to be positive when she's good and give her attention then so she doesnt see misbehaving as attention-grabbing... but also try and be firm.

It's so hard! I found the sleepless newborn times a doddle to be honest, because there wasnt this constant sense of battle of wills (even over sleep!). I agree about my parents; I just need to let it go.

I just feel about to burst into tears over it. Doubtless made worse by above-mentioned sleepless newborn phase in tandem with toddler horrors.