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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you do if...

51 replies

emkana · 27/08/2005 21:56

... you have a friend who does things with her children which you think are totally and utterly wrong? My friend takes her baby downstairs to sleep in the travel cot in the utility room at night, because then she can't hear him when he wakes up again and cries.
That sends shivers down my spine, but I really like her and don't want to upset her. What can I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

monkeytrousers · 28/08/2005 12:05

I fear it sets a horrible precident for the future too - that a parent has no interest in what their child is attempting to communicate to them is just pathalogical to me. Sotty.

monkeytrousers · 28/08/2005 12:07

Sorry!

Original poster

emkana · 28/08/2005 19:25

In answer to the question - my friend did this with her middle child from when he was about five months to when he was about a year. He's now two and a bit and seems happy and healthy - that's why my friend probably wouldn't understand what I'm on about if I said something about her doing it with her youngest, who's a year old - she'd say "What's the problem? X is okay!"

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monkeytrousers · 28/08/2005 19:34

Is she a reader Emkana? You could get her the book I mentioned.

FairyMum · 28/08/2005 20:04

I would tell her I would not be comfortable not being able to hear my children during the night.My children all suffer from severe croup and it would be dangerous to leave them. Any child can develop croup suddenly. I think this is so strange. I want to hear my children and look after them. I get up several times in the night to check on them, make sure they have got a blanket on and to kiss them. I don't even understand people who let their babies sleep in seperate room. I think the current advice is to have the cot in your room for the first 6 month.

collision · 28/08/2005 20:09

Hang on a minute! I think this might be exaggerated a little.

We do the same thing!! (Shock horror!!)

DS2, who is 9 months sleeps in a travel cot downstairs in the kitchen.

This is because it is cooler, I cant hear every snuffle and he cant disturb ds1.

This does not mean I do not love ds2 or that I am neglecting him.

I wonder if you are being a little over sensitive, Emkana, as you would not do this because you co-sleep.

Original poster

emkana · 28/08/2005 20:18

collision, it's one thing to sleep away from your child so that you don't hear every sniffle, but my friend lives in a very big house and the utility room is very far away from her bedroom, with lots of doors inbetween - IMO she wouldn't hear her ds at all, not even when crying loudly. And that I do feel uncomfortable about, whereas I'm fine with people making the decision not to co-sleep/to sleep in seperate rooms because they sleep better that way.

OP posts:

collision · 28/08/2005 20:19

Oh.

OK.....point taken. Why dont you ask her what would happen if there was a problem with him in the night?

hunkermunker · 28/08/2005 20:23

Emkana, can't you just say, "Don't you worry you won't hear him if he's ill in the night?"

Surely she can't say no to that...?!

WestCountryLass · 28/08/2005 20:40

I know someone who did the CIO approach (not CC but literally just left their small babies to cry and cry and cry) and her kids do not cry at night even if they are sick and she has told me on more than one occasion that she has gone in to them in the morning and they have slept in sick

I think it is one thing to practice CC (but isn't this a method to get them to go to sleep on their own or to settle themselves if they wake up?) and another to basically abandon them at night

kbaby · 28/08/2005 20:40

I would give her some made up story about a baby being ill and the paretnts not knowing because they slept miles away from him etc...
I do this with my MIL who looks after DD if shes doing something that I dont like but dont want to argue over it.
Ie last week it was a story about a 14 month old choking on whole grapes. Ive now seen mil cutting them in half which she didnt before.

hunkermunker · 28/08/2005 20:41

kbaby, that's not made up - a 17-month-old choked to death on a whole grape not that long ago

monkeytrousers · 28/08/2005 20:51

WCL, that's just it. A baby left to cry alone soon learns not to bother. It's not emotionally healthy to think that no one will come for you if you're in pain or are uncomfortable. It's profoundly distressing.

In a previous generation it was thought healthy to leave babies to 'cry it out'. This was the idea of the predominantly male medical institutions of the time, hence it goes against every maternal instinct. Now we have an epidemic of depression and personality disorders. There will be other factors sure but I'd bet that is a huge part of it.

Original poster

emkana · 28/08/2005 20:53

monkeytrousers, I agree.
Another thing I just remembered is that my friend's PIL's told her that they used to do the same thing with their children, and they are now all successful, happy (? as far as you can tell) people. So again she'd probably think "Where's the problem?"

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 28/08/2005 21:55

I find it hard to understand how people who want babies can then treat them this way, babies are a 24/7/365 commitment and you can't pick and choose when you are on or off duty

skerriesmum · 28/08/2005 22:22

And isn't it better for sleep routine for the child to sleep in his/her own room with toys, nice pictures, etc. rather than a probably cold, damp utility room with just a washing machine in it?! Weird!

Thomcat · 28/08/2005 22:25

Emkana, I can't believe I just read that. She WHAT?????

MummyJules · 28/08/2005 22:53

As far as I am concerned you are mother 24 hours a day not just 12 hours. If your child needs you in the night (within reason) then it is your responsibility to look after them.

Pruni · 28/08/2005 23:07

Message withdrawn

tallulah · 28/08/2005 23:27

My mother used to put me in a pram at the end of the garden during the day, and shut in a different bedroom at night, deliberately so that she couldn't hear me. My grandma and my dad both advocated the Truby King style of child-rearing. Needless to say I have had years of depression & other emotional problems (& my own children did not leave my side for the first 6-8 months of their lives). If your friends PIL brought their children up this way, they and her DH could be pressuring her to do the same.

nightowl · 29/08/2005 00:22

theres a difference though surely, to putting a child in another bedroom (and believe me, if i had an extra bedroom dd would have been in there)to putting them somewhere you cant check them or hear them at all? i only live in a small house but wouldnt be able to hear dd if she was in my kitchen (dont have a utility room so im improvising). i just hate the thought of a child being downstairs on their own.

i am paranoid i admit. living on my own i like the idea that if someone broke in downstairs i could grab my children and lock us all in my room until the police came. or if there was a fire downstairs, i could get us all out of my bedroom window. i just couldnt leave one of my kids downstairs.

monkeytrousers · 29/08/2005 09:57

Tallulah, I'm so sorry to hear that but am so glad you've been strong enough to resist doing the same to your own children.

It makes me so angry that such an idea could've been adopted by so many. That crying was the baby's excersise and that even playing with them should be kept to a minuimum or your baby will become 'spoilt'. All utter nonsence. Truby King and his later advocates should be held criminally liable for the damage they have caused to countless individuals.

Kidstrack2 · 29/08/2005 13:07

I'm sorry but personally I couldn't leave a child downstairs in any room knowing that I couldn't hear them cry, I know my neighbour does this, but shes not a close enough friend for me to say its wrong! 80% of fires start off in downstairs house's, just the thought of it makes me shiver!

dejags · 29/08/2005 13:20

Tallulah, I know exactly what you mean. My mother used to leave me and subsequently my brother at the bottom of the garden on sunny days so that she could get on with things and not have to listen to us cry . I too have severe issues with my parents.

I could never leave my baby to cry. Controlled crying is one thing but shutting a door on a child who only has one means of letting you know they need (i.e. crying) you is just cruel.

This makes me so angry and sad on that baby's behalf. We all feel tired at times, parenting is hard work but as somebody else pointed out - it's a 24 hour a day job. You cant just select a time frame where you won't respond to your childs needs just so you can sleep/relax etc.

Pruni · 29/08/2005 13:33

Message withdrawn

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