What in gods name can I do to make dd2 happier ??

[MrsMorgan]

She is 10 and always miserable. I have posted about it before, and then I usually have a chat with her and things change for about a week and then go back to normal.

She is just so unhappy and usually says she doesn't know why. When pushed she normally says it is because me and her dad are not together. We have been seperated for 4yrs though and she has admitted that it wouldn't be nice for anyone if we were actually still together.

The other thing making her miserable is that we cannot have a dog. I have no objection to dogs and would like one myself, but I have just got a job and the dog would be left on it's own for nearly 8 hours a day in the week.

She used to see her dad twice a week, but after a huge blow up between him and dd1, I removed contact temporarily. I then gave each child the choice of wether to see him, and dd2 said no. I have repeatadly told her that whatever she decides is fine with me.
Since this happened xp has made zero effort to see them. We have a play area at the end of the road (xp lives in next street) and he has been seen taking other peoples children there but not asking his own.

I can't do anything about her dad. I have pleaded with him to make more effort, but he always turns it round as me having a go at him, and so now I say nothing.

Because they now no longer stay at their dads, I have asked my mum if she will have them overnight if ever I get invited out etc. My mum is more than happy to do this, and treats them like royalty when there. However dd is being very clingy and moaning so much whenever they go, that I feel guilty. What am I supposed to do though, never go out ?? I am talking once or twice a month at the most, not every week.

She also thinks way too much and gets herself worked up. She used to be obssessed with germs and handwashing and recieved help for that and touch wood it is ok now, but she also has a thing about me dying, which flares up from time to time, usually when she has to stay away from home.

She is due to go for a 5 day residential trip with school this October, which is paid for and I want her to go, and I know deep down she wants to go, she just cant seem to get over her feelings and enjoy herself.

I have just said to her, wouldn't she like to stop being miserable and be happy, and she said she doesn't know how.
I think she is stuck in a rut of being miserable and can't get out of it.

What on earth do I do with her ???

HI MrsMorgan,

Not sure I can help but am sympathetic.
What you said about the dog though reminded me of the Child of Our Time programme. I remember seeing one where this boy was quite anxious about things. His parents bought him a rabbit, and it really turned him around having something to care for, something that was dependent on him. I have just been trying to find it but can't. Anyway there is some more stuff about children and happiness here www.open2.net/healtheducation/family_childdevelopment/children_happiness2.html

possibly also from an entirely personal and not scientific view at all, I often enjoyed things in retrospect as a child. ie. not particularly at time because worried things would go wrong, but I liked to have done things and then enjoyed them when I looked back. She may be like that? Talking about the past: 'remember that, you liked that'. It sounds funny, but sometimes maybe just really explicitly saying 'this is you enjoying yourself' may help.

Thank you notimetoshop

I vaguely remember that bit from Child of Our Time. We do already have a cat but that is more everyones pet. It would have to be something that generally lives for a while as if it died after a year or something she would be distraught.

She does sometimes talk about things that we did in the past that she enjoyed, like holidays for example, but then she tends to get down again when she realises that we can't/haven't done it since. I've not been able to afford a holiday this year and I know that upset her.

You could buy her a special necklace to wear on the school trip, perhaps with the word "love" on it. Tell her when she looks at it she can know that you are thinking of her.

I love that idea pippop

Thank's for those suggestions ineedafootmassage. I am going to read through properly again later (have just got in from school shoes shopping), and have a think about sorting doing both or one of those things with dd.

One of my sons (nearly 10) is sensitive, has a faltering self-esteem and periods of real unhappiness. I went to the GP when he started to say things like "I might as well kill myself" when he was very upset. Not that i think he has ever been suicidal but clearly he was overwhelmed and needed to tell us. He sometimes sounds exactly like a depressed adult but then it's confusing because he's capable of really enjoying himself, which doesn't really fit that picture.

So we have been seeing a nurse counsellor for a few weeks, and I think she will refer on to the CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health team) for longer term work. Both he and I have felt better and supported. She's working in a Cognitive-behavioural way, focussing on the way he views himself, looking at the negative way he thinks about himself, helping him see the good traits he has. One very simple thing we do every night is for him to tell me of DH 3 good things that happened that day (however small), and try and get him to be clear on how that thing made him feel, and what he did to contribute towards it. that way he goes to bed happier.

Another thing we've done is for him and me to separately write down things that he is good at, and good aspects of his personality. I gave him very clear examples of eg his creativity. The Counsellor then had these two lists laminated, and we've put them up in his room

needafootmassages ideas are really good, and along the lines of the things I think we'll be doing. I just wanted to say that it has helped us to seek outside help. It feels really important to do this NOW, so he can build his emotional defences before he hits Senior school

I also wonder what part hormones are playing - I know girls are reaching puberty earlier and earlier .....

MrsMorgan, obviously I don't know your family, so please forgive me if I've read the situation wrong, but:

(a) are you sure that your DD really doesn't want to see her dad, or is she scared of his reaction after the gap and therefore nervous of meeting up? and

(b) if your DD did make contact with her dad directly herself, eg via a phone call, could he be relied on to be OK with her, or would there be a risk of him rejecting contact?

If your ex-partner might reject your DD even if she contacted him, then I can totally understand you not encouraging your DD to make contact. But I did just wonder whether they want to see each other really, but each is afraid of rejection by the other? As I say, sorry if I've read the situation wrong, but just thought the point worth raising.

If you are looking for another pet, I would highly recommend a guinnea pig. They don't bite and try to escape like rabbits, and they are very easy to handle.

We got ours a couple of months ago, and they get much more attention than our dog.

I think also you do sometimes have to ty and resist the urge to cheer them up.

We invest so much in our childrens happiness, we want so badly for them to be happy, that unwittingly we can start to make their feelingsad seem 'wrong'.

I am not saying that we should not get involved - I did with DS1 when he seemed joyless. But I made the terrible mistake of making him feel worse about himself.

Endlessly saying 'why are you so sad' 'cheer up, things are not glum, you are great, life is great' just increased his sense of alienation and disconnect.Trying to do things to make him happy made him feel more accutely that this sadness he had made him odd and out of step.

Actually I think young people often struggle with this and to do so in a world that portrays children as gorgeous, trampolining, fun filled creature must be even harder.

I agree with Jamie and others. All you can do is to reinforce how much loved they are as they are and try to find ways to help them shift their perception of the way they see themselves in the world.
It did happen with DS1. But it all happened much quicker once we stopped focussing upon sad = wrong.

To be clear I am not saying thatthis is what you are doing. Just explaining what helped us with this.

I have asked dd if she'd like to speak to someone about how she feels and she said no. Obviously, if I feel there is no other option that to do that, then i'd do it anyway.

I do try to make time to sit and chat with her as I know how sensitive she is, and can always tell when something is worrying her, as her behaviour goes to pot.

The situation with her dad is basically that he makes zero effot at all, and I think that this is somehing that bothers her, as she sees her friends dads being invloved. Xp knows that he can ring up and offer to take them out, have them for tea etc, and likewise, the dc know that if they ask if they can see him then thats fine with me. Not sure if they think that xp would agree or not though.

When they all used to stay on a Friday night he did nothing with them, ever. Now that dd1&2 don't stay, he does even less.
I have tried to explain to him how this must make them feel, but all he sees is me 'having a go', which I honestly am not.

The first time ds asked to stay over after the break, i txt xp to see if it was ok, and his reply was 'I suppose so'.

He basically does not give a shit about any of them tbh. Trouble is, as he lives so close then he is there as a reminder that they do have a dad. It would be better if he lived far away imo. At least then they wouldn't expect anything from him.

I am starting a new job soon, and he will be having dd2 and ds of a morning for an hour before school. I have checked with dd2 and she seems fine about this, but I am going to monitor the situation.

Pagwatch - I think you might have a point there and I will try to stop mentioning her being happy/unhappy etc.

Oh and I have given g/pigs some thought before. Will look into that again.

I think it is the dad issue but I am not sure how you can resolve it without his involvement

No me either tbh. I have tried pleading with him, shouting at him, ignoring him and letting him work it out for himself, but he clearly is very very selfish.

It was dd1 who saw him in the park with someone elses children, and she told me about it the following day. I spoke to him about it and he went off on one and said that I obviously had people watching him. He was more concenred about being caught out that what it is doing to his dc.

My dc know these other children, as they attend the same school, and dd2 is in the same class as one of them. So she is in a situation where a classmate has seen more of her dad this summer holiday than she has.

He cannot seem to see how this is affecting them though at all.

what was the cause of the big blow up with dd1 that ended the arrangement you had? If dd2 is suffering with this, maybe you have to get back to a regular arrangement, however little he puts himself out with it, so the need for any kind of iniative on his part is removed IYSWIM.

Why was he at the part with someone else's children though I wonder?

parK not parT sorry

He was at the park with someone elses children because he fancies their mother. He has previously had a brief relationship with her, and this caused dd2 alot of stress, as she had the one child coming up to her at school and saying stuff like 'I went to the park with your dad' and similar.

Contact was originally stopped because Xp went completely OTT in telling dd1 off for something, and she rang me at 11pm begging me to go and fetch her.
I could hear xp ranting in the background and so went straight round. Dd1 was hysterical, shaking in the corner of the room, and dd2 and ds were also crying.
Xp was sweating like a pig and had clearly lost complete control of the situation, and so I took all 3 home.

They then all stated that they never wanted to see him again and I told them this was fine.
Over the next few days I asked if they still thought the same, and ds stated that he did still want to see him. Dd1 refused to see him, and dd2 said she didn't know. I explained that I didn't mind either way and it was totally up to her.

Since then she has seen him twice for about an hour at a time, and on the 2nd of those occasions, he took her with him to see this woman and her children .
Dd2 hasn't asked to see him at all since then.

I have suggested that she goes when ds goes but so far she has said no.

If he was to ring up now, and say 'do the kids fancy going to xyz' for the day tomorrow then they would all (even dd1) go. I think they just want him to show that they are worth the effort tbh.

Hi MrsMorgan,
My DD2 was the same as yours and I eventually went to the school nurse(if you ask at reception they will give you the number) and talked about my concerns, she then spoke to DD and agreed that DD needed counselling, which she would have been prepared to do herself but due to her going away for a while she referred my DD to the children mental health team. The idea horrified me(well the name really if i'm honest!) but they talked with her and gave her some suggestions and ways of dealing with feeling down. (Thinking of a happy place, having a sealed box where she wrote down negative(unhelpful) thoughts and feeling and posted them away)

The nurse told DD that Rainbows are beautiful but you need rain (the sadness) and the sun (happiness) to make a perfect one. so its ok to have some rain(sadness) as long as you allow thre sunshine through too.
It was something like that anyway.

My DD is a much happier child now (aged 11) but the unahppiness comes back sometimes and we can cope with that. After all, people aren't happy all the time. DD's is usually only during school times now.

Remember her hormones are flying around like crazy at the moment too. I found talking to my DD and explaining about hormones etc really helped her to understand.

Hope that helps. Sorry if its a load of waffle I am on my way out but didnt want to ignore your post.

I'm sorry that really isn't good but I think little dd2 yearns for the ideal father figure quite badly atm which sadly it sounds as if he is not capable of living up to. It is really very difficult when he lives so close to you and is seeing a mother of another girl in her class.

Hard to fathom what goes on in a man's mind at times

Thank's MrsWeasly. I think that I will have to certainly consider getting her to speak to someone.

I think the school does have access to a counselling service run by a charity too.

If only I had a magic wand

her father sounds like a useless cunt and this is probably the root cause of her misery - she feels worthless because her father doesn't feel she is worth anything.

Does she have a beloved Grandad or uncle to step in and occasionally be the man her father isn't able to be?

It is isn't it ZZZ. How he cannot realise what this does to them I do not know.

Thankfully all 3 dc are very close to my eldest brother and also love my younger brother to bits and so do have some positive male invlovement in their lives.

My elder brother for example is having Ds to stay for the night next week, and so has just sent him a letter through the post, inviting him to stay, and asking him to please write back, saying which is his favourite cereal, and 3 things that he'd really like to do whilst he is there.
Ds's was so overjoyed he looked like he might burst.

Like I have said to xp, a little bit of effort goes a long way with children.

X-posted with you colditz. Your description of him is spot on.

I feel so bad for all of them that I gave them such a useless tosser for a father.

Dd2 starts secondary school next Sept and I don't think this womans lad is going to the same school, so at least then dd won't keep having her face rubbed in it by him.

I know you've said she said she doesn't want to talk to anyone, but could I suggest giving her the number for ChildLine if she hasn't tried it already? Let her know she can always call if she wants to chat about anything, whether it's good or bad [some kids call just because they're bored, though then the response is usually to gently help them to figure out something to do, heh] and she doesn't have to say anything she doesn't want to. They won't tell anyone what she says unless she asks them to, or if someone is in immediate danger.

There's also an online 1-2-1 chat service and an e-mail service at www.childline.org, if either of those seems less scary than talking, though the responses there are usually a bit slower.

Sometimes it can just help kids to have someone to chat to who's totally removed from the situation, and as ChildLine is a 24 hour free service, it's a lot quicker than, say, waiting for a CAMHS referral.