Are we child abusers and what could happen to us?

[loler]

This is the first time I've stopped crying since friday for long enough to ask for help!

DS1 is a very loud, large and in your face 5 year old. On Friday he went to a party and then had some friends back here to play on their bikes. Poured with rain so put his bike away, got to 7pm so was going to take friends back to the next road - DS1 wanted to come on his bike - I said too late/raining so no. He then started to kick off (in a very loud way) - in the mean time friends had cycled off to end of the road, I decided that ds1 was safe (if very loud) and so ran after the friends.

DH and other 2dc were at back of house so couldn't hear until going up to bed a few minutes later. When dh did hear he called ds1 in, he refussed so he dragged him in by the wrist (he was still in full tantrum and is too big to carry). When I got back about 5 minutes later ds1 was in his room and still moaning about his bike. Calmed him down and dc went to sleep.

An hour later the bell rang (waking up dc so they all came to listen) - it was a neighbour (he's in the police and so is his wife) - he said that they had seen ds1 on the drive crying and obviously hurt, they had seen dh dragging him in and that it was child abuse, he sees this type of behaviour at work and would charge the parents for it. If he saw us treating any of the dc like it again he would have no choice but to report us for it.

DH thanked him for coming around instead of talking behind our backs, I just cried! This is setting me off again - feel sick, can't eat or sleep and feel like I can't breath. I feel like I can't take the dc out of the house incase someone is watching me.

We don't even smack our dc (if we did maybe ds1 wouldn't dare to kick off in the way he does!). DH admits that he was rougher than he should have been but that he will now never touch the dc again.

Does anyone know if this is child abuse? Could our names be on some sort of register, could our dc even be taken off us? DH has had to go away on business for a week and I feel like I'm cracking up. Should I go to the other neighbours and ask if they think we're awful parents too?

glad you are feeling better loler. Have just read the thread and can't believe how badly your neighbour handled the situation, which he obviously did do, judging by the state you are in, .

unless you dh drags him around regularly, i can't see that parenting classes are needed. sounds like he physically moved his son who was behaving badly. no biggie.

i think you need to be brave here and confront this man. he got it wrong and for your own sake, he needs to be told that. if you don't face up to this you will spend DS's childhood feeling ashamed when it's not necessary. why should you feel your son can't play outside his own bloody house? your dh lost his temper and bundled him into the house. a million parents would have done the same thing in that situation. how dare he accuse you when he has only seen a snippet of behaviour.

Well, if that's child abuse, Loler, than we have done it heaps of times. In full public view, usually after trying for ages to placate the child by other means, but when they refuse to budge and you have to get them moving (and typically several other young children) to school/inside for bed/out of the middle of the road -- then you have to get physical sometimes.

I am more worried that people think I am being too soft and too tolerant -- that people are judging me for not MAKING them do as they are told a lot quicker.

Parenting courses just make me feel completely shite about myself, by the way. I hope it goes alright for you. All those nice simple examples of children who are easily placated with just a few simple sympathetic perfect words. Never an example where you only slept 2 hours last night, it's tipping down with rain, the baby is climbing a bookcase, the toddler has just pulled his nappy off and left a smelly poo on the carpet and your 5yo is screaming like a banshee because his only coat that he wore daily for the last 3 months he's suddenly decided he hates -- all happening 2 minutes after you were supposed to leave for school.

I don't think you should tell him you are thinking about going on a parenting course. It sounds like he has a god complex and you will only encourage him.

Top marks to your dh for keeping his cool and thanking the neighbour for coming round rather than talking behind your backs.

I don't think it was inappropriate for the neighbour to come round to make sure everything was ok but what he said was completely inappropriate and really his superiors ought to be aware he is throwing out random unjustified accusations and threatening you. very unprofessional.

This is the first message I've sent on mums net but I felt compelled to. I have been put in the very same situation but this time my neighbour DID call the police and tried to rally all the other neighbours to prosecute me. I am absolutley distraught by what has happened and not sure if I will ever get over it. To cut a long story short, I'm due to have my second child in 4 weeks time and have a beautiful 5yr old daughter.
Last day of term and my dd had a tantrum just before we left for school. I basically lost it and got really cross. I hold my hands up and admit I probably could have handled it differently. We made up afterwards and had a huge cuddle and headed off to school. Next day there was a knock at the door. A policeman was stood there and asked to step inside. He had reports of a disturbance and a child had been involved. I explained everything straight away and told him he was morethan welcome to talk to my daughter ( who was completly absorbed in her breakfast) he was great, told me he could see no cause for concern and asked for school details and doctors name. I've since had a letter from the childrens services saying they are taking this no further. My neighbour has since made her self know and screamed abuse at me while I was with my dd, which is ironic as I'm the one who was suppose to be abusive. My other neighbours have been a great support which has really helped. I couldn't bring my self to tell my husband till last week as he's been having probs at work and I didn't want to burden him with it. He has been great too. I'm just trying to move on now and try to enjoy the arrival of my next baby.

I don't know what to say to that - how awful for you! I've always been brought up to respect authority so the Police really frighten me (even though my dsis is one!), one knocking on the door is very scary. Good luck with no.2.

We've just got back from holiday and saw our neighbour for the first time. He made a point of saying hello, he missed me replying and so said it even louder. I was going to just leave things but feel a bit bullied again so not sure what to do. I'm guessing he hasn't realised how much he's upset us.

We won't be raising the abuse of power thing with him as I don't think I could live in the road after doing that (lots of other neighbours work with him). Most likely to going back to nodding at the family as that was about as far as it went before anyway.

The childrens centre hasn't rung back about the parent course after several calls. Think that's a bit poor as people must be at the end of their tether to ask for help.

Since it happened DS1 has also been really good, not sure if it's they way we are talking to each other now, so may be it gave us all the shake-up we needed?

Loler and Brill OMG I am really shocked,I can't believe what has happened to either of you.

Loler I'm sorry but I think your neighbour is a bully on a power trip. Sorry but I would have told him where to stick it.

Dragging a child in full tantrum mode is not abuse.If it is 3/4 of Mumsnetters would be guilty of it. Kids tantrum differently and some simply don't respond to discussion. Mine do but I have several friends who are fantastic parents with kids that don't. What is one to do in that situation leave him in the street? Bollocks to the parenting course.

Was he hurt,was he hit,do you continually bully or hurt him?If so you are not abusers and having nothing to feel bad about.

The PO has one child so has had no experience of handling more than one child.I live in a road with several police officers. Our nearest neighbour bellows at his now and again louder than us when needed. Our neighbours wouldn't dream of intimidating us in this fashion.

Don't live your life letting them intimidate you. He could get in trouble for abuse of power,you have nothing to worry about as basically you were handling a tantruming child which is never easy.

I agree with Tough and personally also I think this is suspicious ie if he was really concerned he'd have rung ss and you'd have had a visit.No way would being a neighbour be able to cloud his judgement if it really was abuse he was concerned about,he'd have to contact ss,end of. As he "sees this type of behaviour at work" he most know the correct course of action which he didn't follow.

I wouldn't let this lie,it's bullying and abuse of power.