Unconditional Parenting - have you actually made it work for you?

[BarrelOfMonkeys]

I love the theory, have read the book cover to cover several times, and buy into what he says but trying to make it work in practice - with a real-life toddler who does all the toddlerish things they do (hitting me and DH in the face is a big one at the moment) - I'm struggling. DH, formerly supportive of the UP approach, is wavering.

And when even saying 'thank you' can be seen as praise, it's just impossible, isn't it?! Does anyone actually make it work or do you just end up picking and choosing which bits you can make work for you, and muddling through with the rest?

Yes, it works for us.

Occasionally don't manage, usually when I'm tired and I can't keep the 'I'm doing it my way and that's final' part of me away for long enough to listen properly to DCs.

I think like with any parenting guide, you have to pick and choose the bits that work for you and fit in with your life. For example, we are not home-schooling therefore children going to sleep when they feel like it is not an option.

I don't think I've read the book as many times as you. I don't remember anything about not saying 'thank you' to your children. Obviously that's one of the bits I didn't select! Seems a bit strange, how can you model politeness and manners?

DD (2 going on 3 at the time) was hitting us when cross when we started UP but she doesn't any more and it stopped ages ago (she is 5 now). We have never punished her for it, just saw it as developmental.

I am struggling a bit at the moment with the saying sorry thing. I can tell DS feels remorseful when he does something to upset his sister but I am constantly have to remind him that saying sorry is something that makes both of them feel better. Mostly he says it then but it doesn't occur to him without being reminded and as he is 7 I'm beginning to wonder if he ever will!

I also like 'how to talk so kids will listen'. Have you read that?

Because we do insist on bedtimes, bedrooms being tidied occasionally so that we can vacuum, teeth brushing etc, the techniques in there for getting children to comply without threats and bribes are very helpful.

We try to maintain it - DD is 4.5. It's harder when they're really small because there are non-negotiable boundaries like hitting. It's more about thinking really carefully about how to handle things rather than not dealing with them, I think.

Can't write much now as getting ready for work but have you searched the archives? There have been some some great, supportive (and very discursive) threads over the years.

ps I don't think "thankyou" is praise, it's modelling reciprocal politeness.

You shouldn't try to follow any one method 'by the book'.

Follow your instinct, and just adopt a pick 'n' mix aproach to what it says in books.

Then it will work for you.

I find other adults are hard work if you choose not to parent by reward and punishment as they just don't get it!

Hard work in what way?

Just take what you want and talk to other parents and read other books and do what works. How To Talk (as already mentioned) is good; as is Wining Parent, Winning Child.

We don't praise or punish; but we do say thank you because I want to be polite to my children.

Me too Bobbalina.

OSOTC - because they don't like to see a child being spoken to firmly but calmly, while cuddled on mum's knee when they've hit another child. They think you should stand over them and yell at them or punish them or make them stand in the corner or something. Cuddling a child is rewarding theri behaviour, apparently . Haven't you read the threads on MN in the past about this very subject?

Having said that, I just ignore other parents - my children and their needs are far more important to me than what other people think.

No, I haven't read any threads about this.

AFAIK, the only other people my children have deliberately hurt are each other!

I suppose that's the one advantage of living somewhere where toddler groups are non-existent.

Lackingininspiration no I seem to have missed those threads!

I think that Supernanny style parenting seems to be what a lot of people think everyone should be doing, so if you don't use this method they tell you where you are "going wrong". My mum and best friend both do this to me!!

they see me as not being strict enough. Although my 10 year old dd is very well behaved most of the times, she does sometimes behave badly which my mum thinks I should "crack down hard" on and that I am "doing that child no favours". Its a real pain, I have to remember that her approach to discipline - aggressive and physical - did me no favours at all.

I don't criticise the parenting of my friends and family but they don't afford me the same courtesy!

I do feel quietly vindicated when dd's school report always has lovely comments about her behaviour and friendships and describe her as a role model.

I have been involved in plenty of threads (under other usernames) where people have expressed horror that someone would hug their child when they'd done something wrong, or something similar. That children should be visibly punished to placate the parent of the 'victim'! Drives me mad whenever I read it.

I think Supernanny et al is to blame - we need alternative parenting methods to get lots of airtime on TV!

I am pleased that Supernanny doesn't advocate smacking though

Thanks for the replies. I've got 'How to Talk', must dig it out again... Haven't read 'Winning Parent' but will see if I can lay my hands on a copy. Was at a bit of a low ebb yesterday - the 'other people' commenting is an issue, you're right. Also when you've done the UP approach days in a row and DD is still hitting and laughing, start to lose faith a bit sometimes... Because it is a long-term approach and you don't get that immediate 'quick fix' other punishment-based parenting techniques do, it is good to know that it's worth sticking with. It would be good if there were more 'groups' - I don't know anyone else trying this approach round here. I think I only came across it via Mumsnet in the first place!

Sorry for the hijack, but could someone brielfy explain the basic idea behind this? I've seen some threads on the subject and the supernanny/bribe/threat/naughty stept thing isn't working with DS.

I think its impossible to explain briefly! Try searching older threads for book recommendations eg Unconditional Parenting

You've really got to read the book, it's hard to summarize without taking the ideas out of the context. It's in a lot of libraries or you can get it from amazon for around £5...
You could get a general idea of the approach by looking at alfiekohn.org though.
I think it's a great book and am starting to apply quite a lot of it with DS who is 2.