Anyone have experience of having and raising a child with a friend?

[Guitargirl]

Last night over too much wine a member of my family told me that she is trying for a baby with a friend of hers. Family member is 35, has never been in a serious relationship and feels as though she is not going to meet someone, fall in love and have a baby, etc. She has also been told that she MAY have fertility issues.

So, for the last 2 months she has been trying to get pregnant with her good friend. He is aware that she wants a child and they are not using contraception. Apparently he is 'supportive' BUT when I asked her about whether they had discussed all the ins and outs about who is going to raise the child, access, etc she said they would talk about that when she was pregnant!!

I also asked about his family, parents, etc and she said it was fine as they lived in a different country...!

The whole thing shows some shocking naiivety about what it's like a to be responsible for a small person.

Am at a bit of a loss. I feel for her in her desire to have children but she has really not thought this through AT ALL and I can see so many areas where it could all go pear-shaped.

Anyway, was wondering whether anyone had any experience and whether I could suggest some things that she would have to think about in advance!

I am not seeing how she is any less prepared than I was when I got pregnant just because she's doing it with a friend. No one knows what it is like to be responsible for a small person until you have one.

Which areas are you worried will go particularly pear-shaped?

Just asking because as I am pg to a friend (albeit unplanned) I had no chance to "think about things in advance".

Well they probably should be talking about all that stuff and it seems a bit naive that they haven't. I believe there is a website where you can meet people you want to co-parent with (like a dating one) and so you could try googling and seeing if you can find that - may have some advice

with the greatest of respect I think you are all being a bit naive...I'm a gay mum, and we used a known donor who has regular contact with DD. We talked endlessly about all these issues and more. The model that your friend needs to look at is probably more widespread in the gay and lesbian community - and both parties need to be aware of and have a position on issues like custody, parental responsibility, child support, where the child is going to live, access arrangements. It's a potential minefield anyway, and going in unprepared (imvho) is asking for trouble - an unplanned pregnancy ibizadreams is a different matter altogether and it's great that you are working it through.

I think she should work on the assumption that she will get pregnant rather than the opposite (jesus, she's 35 and presumably knows how it works!!) and try and think about what she wants from the relationship. Bear in mind that there may well be a real child involved at the end of this and they need to start acting as a partnership. I can tell you from experience that (i) these arrangements can and do work out well (ii) but only if everyone is ruthlessly honest about their expectations and willing to adjust them in the light of their feelings about an actual baby and (iii) even if his parents/ relatives live elsewhere once they know about the child will want to see him/her - and actually I don't think that anyone has the right to deny this unless there is good reason. We didn't originally really want our donor's family involved (and tbh it's often quite hard work) but DD has a right to know them and have a relationship with them , and our goal is to facilitate that.

Sorry, gone on a bit - it can and does work well (I think there was a piece in the guardian about this recently - except that couple eventually fell in love and got married :)) - but I really think they have to talk to each other!

Good advice drivingmissdaisy - my DS was born as a result of donor insemination precisely because I wanted to avoid all those issues. I think it's insane to avoid them when there's a known partner and hope for the best. I was being kind

ladybiscuit good for you :) and the point is surely that you were well aware of these issues and wanted to avoid them, and therefore took the decision that you did. It sounds like the individual here isn't aware of the issues and thinks that it will somehow all work out. There's many a happy couple who have the glue of love and social approval who come unstuck because they assumed that it would just all work out when they had children...it doesn't, and actually I think having to think about these things honestly is a good thing.

I must confess that sometimes DP and I think that it would have been so much easier to have gone the anonymous route - even in terms of practicalities. The OP's friend/family member should also realise that she does have other options, especially if she thinks she might have fertility issues. Being miss judgey pants for a minute, at 35 and without (presumably ) regular sex she might want to drop the 'too much wine'...

Thanks dmd :) I do think it's a bit foolhardy to not consider things but really can't comment on the drinking thing - I conceived first time at the age of 42 after many years of hard partying so not in a position to judge on that front :o although I do think we are all sold a myth of unending fertility that does none of us any favours. I had a number of tests and I would recommend any woman over the age of 35 who is trying to conceive to do the same - there is no point in trying when fertility is compromised

blimey! I'm so impressed!! :)

Thank you :) But it was pure luck - nothing more. Sorry for getting your name wrong - DMC

no worries - didn't notice. Well, yay, for good luck. Presumably your good luck is now wandering around in the real world?

Oh yes, he is 3 and a half and an absolute joy :) Am terribly grateful to his bio dad. As I am sure you are to yours. For us, not having a dad doesn't seem a big deal - the only people it seems to upset are my friends who are fathers and I understand their discomfort. But we have a way to go in our journey obviously.

mine is 18 months and also a total joy. I don't think gratitude even begins to describe it...I worry slightly that poor DD actually suffers from an excess of parental attention (though I do my best in the benign neglect department :o). It's all good though - they're loved, happy, secure, aren't they?

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I was interested in hearing from those of you who have made it work. I guess am just worried as she seems to be thinking about the father as more of a donor than a dad and he seems to want more than that. Different expectations...anyway, of course it's none of my business anyway plus I think her desire for a child is over-riding anything at the moment.

she needs to clarify the donor/dad issue - otherwise it's a custody battle waiting to happen. I'm sorry to be so negative about it, but whilst I understand the overwhelming desire for a child, her overwhelming responsibility is to any child she has, and that includes not inadvertently creating an atmosphere of stress and conflict around him/her

and it can work well, but only with real honesty between the parties