15 mo - when will it get better?

[onwardsmummy]

My toddler seems almost bi-polar.... Happy one minute, screaming and whining the next, with or without illness. Though mostly whining. In short he is just INCREDIBLY demanding. He has been the same since day 1. New people often ask me s he is ill, what is wrong with him, etc... I am tired of saying he's having an off day.

I can't cope. 70% of the time I hate being a parent but I know its too late to do anything about it.

My DH most probably thinks I'm over-reacting, but is nevertheless outwardly very supportive.

If I take a break from DS, I hate going back...

How can I make things better?

It sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed. (Is it possible you have a little bit of PND?)

Are there specific things that he has issues with that you may be able to get some advice about? i.e. Feeding? Sleeping? Boredom? attachment?

Are you a SAHM?

Thanks moobar, I often feel overwhelmed. It should be my nickname.

I have thought about PND too but aren't sufferers always down? I don't know. Because when I'm away from DS I feel pretty good, ie work, and occaionally when I'm out with friends, etc, and I do enjoy spending time with him. Just nowhere near as often as I feel I should do.

We have bonded... I just feel very ambivalent towards him.

To be honest I have wondered too if he has some sort of special needs that I am clueless about. ie whining all of the time because he feels ill or similiar? Could that be right? Am I deluding myself?

He has no feeding / sleeping issues in particular or that seem to be any better or any worse than any other small child has. Its just the constant whinginess. And its totally wearing me down.

Is he walking/talking/pointing yet?

The reason I ask is because my Ds sounded exactly like yours. Would just whinge for no apparent reason and I used to cry at the thought of getting up in the mornings.

But once he started walking and articulating (pointing/signing/walking to the fridge and helping himself) his needs/wants better he turned into a completely different child.

Overnight he just turned into a smily, happy giggly boy who I actually can't wait to get up with in the mornings.

Don't know how related this will be but because he was always at the fridge taking stuff out etc I bought him his own little mini fridge, You know those drinks fridges, and each morning I fill it up with a couple cups of juice and his snacks and he now goes and helps himself throughout the day. I found this stopped at least 50% of the whinging as he had constant access to his own drinks and snacks without having to try and get me to understand what he wanted.

Hopefully it'll end soon. It is tiring, but ime it does get better.

"I have thought about PND too but aren't sufferers always down? I don't know. Because when I'm away from DS I feel pretty good, ie work, and occaionally when I'm out with friends, etc, and I do enjoy spending time with him. Just nowhere near as often as I feel I should do."

PND can take many forms. It sounds like you could really do with some support form RL people. Would it be worth phoning your health visitor.

Sounds ridiculous but I'm not sure if I can bear to ask for help. Also I present such a competent front - and sometimes I do feel fine - so I am worreid I won't be taken seriously.

Yes he is pointing, walking and saying mostly gaga type words. Little of it makes sense.

lifeas... the fridge thing is acracking idea... though I'm not convinced that the fridge wouldn't have been raided by 8am ... Does yours? Canot imagine smily giggly boy... at least not on a regular basis anyway.

Hi my DS is also 15 months and can be very similar. I have posted on mumsnet at numerous points in his life when he seems to be at his worst but it still hasn't gone away and he can walk, point and talk so that hasn't helped.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I know how draining constant whining can be. Is your DS getting enough to eat and sleep? As I find my DS is particularly bad if he is even the least bit hungry or tired.

I did/do suffer from PND but it has got much better since I've been on antidepressents and I find DS is easier to handle if I'm in a good mood as my stress seemed to rub off on him and make him worse and if I was down he was impossible to be around.

My PND was related to DS only and I was fine when I wasn't around him, so it is possible you are suffereing from PND, especially as you say you hate being a parent and feel it's too late to do anything about it. I felt like that when the PND was bad, but now I'm getting treatment I 95% of the time love being a mum now.

Hi my DS is also 15 months and can be very similar. I have posted on mumsnet at numerous points in his life when he seems to be at his worst but it still hasn't gone away and he can walk, point and talk so that hasn't helped.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I know how draining constant whining can be. Is your DS getting enough to eat and sleep? As I find my DS is particularly bad if he is even the least bit hungry or tired.

I did/do suffer from PND but it has got much better since I've been on antidepressents and I find DS is easier to handle if I'm in a good mood as my stress seemed to rub off on him and make him worse and if I was down he was impossible to be around.

My PND was related to DS only and I was fine when I wasn't around him, so it is possible you are suffereing from PND, especially as you say you hate being a parent and feel it's too late to do anything about it. I felt like that when the PND was bad, but now I'm getting treatment I 95% of the time love being a mum now.

Pirate, did you get any treatment apart from the drugs? Also-how long till you felt better?

Oh yes, it gets 100 times better when they can communicate with you a bit more.

Even just basic things like pointing help a lot. Try doing some basic baby signing with him perhaps? Every time you feed him or ask if he is hungry sign "food", same with "drink" and anything else you think might come in handy. DS still signs a lot (22mo) and it is really helpful if some of his words are unclear or where his word for two things sounds really similar and it's hard to tell which one he means.

Onwards- I'm also meant to be having talking therapy but have only had one session, so mainly it has been the tablets and coming to terms with the fact that this is my beautiful, healthy son and that my life has changed but in a new way not neccesarily a bad way.

I would say I have been getting better since DS was about 11 months old ( I knew I had PND very early on but refused to take tablets)and before that time it was highs and lows all the time. I was also told that DS was very attached to me and didn't hate me and that because of our bond he was picking up on my moods and this was making him very stressed out and difficult. I took a while for me to believe this but it is very true, for instance DS had a terrible day last week just because I was stressed about a job interview, and his crying made me more stressed, which made him worse and so on. Now I just try to take a deep breath and stay happy with him.

I've gone from kinda loving him in a protective way but thinking he was a total PITA, to loving him like a mother should and actually enjoying his company. I'm pretty sure its the antidepressents that have brought about this change as I have been on them for 4 months and things between us are so different now, so I really would go see the doctor, it's nor a bad thing and will hopefully mean you can enjoy motherhood and your son more

I really sympathise. I have 19mo dts who are BOTH whingy most of the day. I have also thought about possible autistic problems but am I just clutching at straws??? It makes me feel like a bad mother although I have an older dd who was exactly the same and got through it although she is still quite whiny when she wants to be and she's 6yo. It does really drive me to despair as I am a sahm although will be returning to education next month. It's got to the stage with mine where I can't really contemplate taking them out by myself anywhere too far as they scream whilst in the buggy/the car/any-bloody-where. They have the patience of a flea and are rarely content. I need help but have no idea who to turn to.

I just wanted to say that after writing those sickly posts about enjoying DS's company etc, the sods law of motherhood kicked in and we have had the day from hell. Non stop crying,whining, tantrums and head banging ALL DAY long. I barely could cope so I have no advice, I shouted at ds in sheer frustration in the end, I smoked lots(outside) and even cried myself because I just wanted him to shut up and stop being so terrible for no reason.

Maybe we should start a support thread or something? At least then we can share our woes and maybe come up with some practical solutions along the line.

Just to say I have a 15 month DD and sometimes feel like I can't cope too.

I took a long time to bond with her (which I feel horrendously guilty and sad about), enjoyed her most of the time until just before she was 1 and am now starting to find it hard again from time to time now she is a toddler.

I won't hijack your thread with the things that are bothering me but I feel like a bad mother quite a bit of the time, like when DD has a tantrum for no discernible reason and I don't know what to do, when she ignores me when I pick her up from nursery, or when I have occasionally shouted at her from sheer frustration.

I think maybe a lot of mums do feel like this especially in the toddler of year but there seems to be a kind of conspiracy of silence and people don't like to admit to it. It would help so much if they would.

I agree with PirateJelly that a support thread would be fab - it seems much better when you know you're not alone.

Anyway I really hope things start to get better or that at least you can get some support from RL or from us to help you cope in the meantime.

Big hugs xx

To all of you -

it sort of makes me feel better to know that every other baby / toddler out there isn't a little bundle of perfection 247... so yes, a support thread for the mothers of the demanding babies seems like a damn good idea!

Still haven't made the GP appointment, I just can't bring myself to admit that I might have a problem to anyone else, let alone a relative stranger. Bit pathetic really. I like to convince myself that I can cope but deep down I know its unlikely, long-term..

Littleduck, I also feel like a bad mother, sometimes, though sometimes when he's good (er ok this is rare) I feel like I must be amazing! My DS also does the ignoring thing, and even worse pushes me away sometimes which is horrible and makes me feel just awful.

PirateJelly - You are spot on when you say that they pick up on our moods, its true but it makes you feel like you have to be little miss sunshine, and that really gets my goat! And besides - its impossible! And I think we must celebrate our lovely times with them or else it will all feel like shite. How is DS doing today??

BertieBotts - DS already points and says a few words, hasn't made a real difference. I should try signing but I haven't got much energy, patience or inclination anymore. Sorry if that sounds like a bit of a poor effort but its how I feel. I've run out of steam, but when I get it back-maybe I'll try it out.

Twinsufficient - sounds like you have things pretty bloody hard and maybe I should stop moaning. I hope that a return to education gives you some light at the end of the tunnel. That does sound appealing, am I allowed to ask what you're going to study/teach?

In the meantime, my coping strategy is to invite lots of guests around, and hope to hell DS is distracted by all the activity...

er I appear to be rambling away, I hope some of you come back soon!

Just wanted to let you know I posted quite a similar thread few weeks back (looked for it but couldn't find it, can't even remember where I put it!) Anyway, DS is now 17 months and things already seem to be looking up, he isn't whining quite as much and we are getting more laughs and smiles.
So I'll cross my fingers for you that things turn a corner soon.

Onwardsmummy - I will be doing a PGCE (primary). I can't wait, although it's being with kids all day at least they won't be toddlers. I think a support thread is a great idea as I often feel like I'm the only one going through this. I took the dts to a softplay centre and they completely kicked off whilst waiting (not very long) for lunch. I could see other mothers looking at me like I couldn't control my own children (I can't!) and it made me feel so small and helpless. Tbh I just wanted to leave the dts with dh and run for the hills. However, as dh says maybe everyone else with challenging toddlers just stays at home so at least we're trying!

Hi onwardsmummy,

My DD was very similar from the ages of 6weeks to about 22 months. I used to feel she would be looking around at whatever environment she was in, just looking for something to be pissed off with. She whinged constantly, no matter what I did, or wherever she was. It was like mental torture. Plus no one, as in friends and family wanted to be around her as she was just so demanding and difficult. I really feel for you, it can be so wearing.

Can you talk to your own Mum, DP/H about this, if you feel uncomfortable talking to your GP. Or pay for him to attend nursery for a few hours when your not in work. I hope it gets better for you soon.
My DD gradually got better, and only these last few months I can say I really have enjoyed my time with her. Best of luck.

When your toddlers are being horrible people are looking at you thinking 'poor her' or 'there but for the grace of god go I' or 'i am so glad to see someone else having a tough time, it's not just me'.

Personally I found 1 - 2 the toughest time with both my dcs. You have my sympathy.

One day at a time....

OP is your DS better when you are out - ie does he mainly whinge when at home/
i ask cos DD was incredibly whingy from about 4weeks old (well maybe crying at 4 weeks ) to about 20m old. The only relief we had was she was/is a good sleeper and out and about she is an angel child. At home, she was a PITA.
She is now 23m and it is so much better as we can communicate and play and she only really creates when she's tired/hungry.

I found 9m-15m the worst. All I can say is he won't be like this forever - stick in there.

I had to comment.

My daughter was exactly the same!!!

she still has days like it now, she is 20mnths.

she didnt sleep at all until she was 15mnths though so that cant have helped her moods,

but basically i believe she get extremely bored, she needs constant stimulation and a rigid routine, a breakthrough was a party at a soft play centre, she was so happy playing and busy.

ive made her treasure boxes, scarves, shiny material, chunky jewelry, pots and bottles with rice/lentils/pasta in, old bunches of keys and keyrings, pine cones and so on, and get them out on occasions and they fascinate her and were very cheap and easy to make.

she also loves playing messy play, i have an old roasting tray i fill with shaving foam and glitter for her to play with. or some sand/ or soapy water and she washes toys.

painting and colouring

building towers

instruments

long walks and so on,

our rough routine is.

7-8am- get up

8.30am- breakfast (fruit, toast and cereal)

9.30- nap

12.30- lunch

2am- snack

long walk or play outdoors, what ever the weather. she loves puddles

5pm- dinner

6.30-bed

i found writing a routine down and thinking what to do in the 'gaps' helped a huge amount.

i really hope something ive said can help, hang in there, my daughter changed alot, and developed hugely when i tapped into what she needed.
take care, chin up xxx

Its sort of nice to know that this thread has produced a fair few replies and that we're not alone!!

How is everyone??

We've had some truly awful days, and I've felt like I'm loosing the plot. The guests plan worked though, he is definitely better when other people are around.

These ideas are great, but glitter etc result in a lot of mess and this totally freaks me out! (Nowhere outside to do it). Is it just me?

Hearing ppl say that 1-2 yrs was the most difficult time is interesting and quite reassuring too.

I worry that when its really wintry it'll be harder to get outside. Maybe I should start putting money away for soft play every other day?!

Am also considering nursery for half day to give me a break, but I'd need to find the money from somewhere!

My 16 month DS would win olympic gold for whinging/crying...he can do it for hour, take a 10 minute break and then start again..ALL DAY.

Seriously, I've felt at my wits end many times. I often chuck him in the buggy and pound the streets with him, as it's the only thing that shuts him up.

It is excruciating at times, I totally sympathise with you and the other mums on this thread. Roll on playgroup next April!! 3 hours without whinging/crying, I can't bloody wait.

PS: I do love the little munchkin, in spite of his overused vocals!