How do you actually get your older children/teenagers to lift a finger and help round the house?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

We do expect the older 2 (11 and 13) to pitch in and help, but I am sick and tired on the endless arguing I get from them. It's not as if we say "oh well, if you don't want to hoover/mop the floor/tidy your bedroom, then you don't have to, darling" so we go through the rigmarole of the arguement because they haven't done their chores every single bloody day, it feels like. I work 4 days a week, and part of the deal was that if they want the nice things that my salary brings then they would have to contribute to the housework (actually, it should be done even if parents are not working, but that was my approach)

Anyone got any tips for when the housework is not done? Do you have consequences, and if so, what? Do you have a rota? Advice gratefully received

Good question. Mine are slightly younger but old enough to help and as reluctant as yours. Will watch with interest.

bump

Don't get into arguments with them, just back up your agreement with action.
Explain what the 'nice things your salary brings' actually entails and then remove them if one or both of your girls don't pull their weight.
How do I get my two teens to do their share?
The expectation started when they were tiny and I stuck to my deals. So now they are 15 and 19 and know how things run, and the consequences of not contributing accordingly. This is a house occupied and shared by 4 people and various animals, and so we all have to do something to ensure that it functions as a home.

same here - they have to help
i find blackmail - emotional or financial good and just plain old fashioned bartering
(you will get a lift here - if you do this)
i'd say about 75% success rate

you don't very easily unless you have started them doing it from pre-teen

The secret is to get them clearing up after themselves as soon as they can. DD aged 7 clears the table and is expected to tidy her bed and tidy her room.
It then becomes something that they just do, like brushing their teeth etc.

If you suddenly start trying to get them to do it as teenagers it is way more difficult.

I also echo Goblin. They don't get a choice, it isn't a discussion - it is part ofthe way they maintain their very happy existence of outings, new clothes, phone payments etc.
If they don't tidy up they don't get stuff.

Even DS2 has to earn stars by cleaning up his things and he has SN

The thing is, they have been helping out since they were much, much younger! We've always expected it - but we still have arguements. What I'd love to know is what do you do when you come home and find out that the chore hasn't been done, or they argue about it? We have consequences, such as not going to their evening activity if they haven't done it, or not TV after dinner if I come home from work and they are still sitting on their backsides, or they lose pocket money - but nothing seems to be getting through to them, as we still have the rigmarole of the arguement before they reluctantly get the hoover out. Perhaps this is just normal?

Mine are similar, Maisie. Only DD would miss her activities or chances to go out, the boys are only motivated by access to computer games or cash (or sweets in case of 6yo DS).

I pay 40p to empty the dishwasher, 60p to cut up the evening mean vegies, 60p to bring a load of washing off the line, 20p per scrubbed toilet....

Haven't found the secret.

I just do a lot of reminding and then nagging of dd1 (14). Don't let her out till she's done whatever she's meant to have done.

dd2 (11)is naturally a more tidy person. She has been quite tidy and considerate recently.

I do find I have to make sure I have given both of them a job, otherwise there is complaining about the injustice.

And if dd2 has washed the cat bowl and fed it, then I say 'dd2 has done x so you now have to do y. Get on with it.'

It's not all smooth and erficient in this house.

My DD (12) has to do a chore every day in order to get her pocket money on a Friday.

We still do get some resistance from her (and arguments!) but as soon as we remind her that pocket money day is approaching, she usually gives in

What really winds me up is that sometimes they can't be bothered to go out to whatever their evening thing is, so they'll say "OK" when I tell them they are not going to Scouts or Guides or whatever. The I've got to think of another consequence - although I have found that threatening to add another job onto the list of the ones that haven't been done unless they get moving now can help .

I just wish they would come home, do their chores and be done with it, instead of the endless moaning that seems to have to take place before they lift a finger. I do wonder about their memories sometimes - do they not know by now that they will come off worst if they don't do as they are told?

Pointy - how do you ensure equity in the value of the tasks? This is another thing that they find to argue about - every chore has to be ranked and valued, with neither doing an ounce more than they perceive the other to have done

I have found that financial incentives work with teens. I do get fed up with constant badgering to do stuff though. I long for the day when DS will do his chores without being nagged asked first.

I just say two tasks that seem equal to me (in terms of time and effort) and I don't think there has been as argument about Task Value yet.

I must have a knack for it

If I came home and found the job not done, the consequence would happen straight away and I would do whatever it was, if it was essential. Like washing up.
No appeals or arguments, but I tailored the sanction to the child, so that it mattered to them and they didn't like it.
I also matched the job to the person.
DS is fantastic with a hoover, dusting, gardening and remembering to put out the various bins on the right days.
DD doesn't mind washing up, some cooking, floor mopping and basic DIY.
OH is laundry and ironing, and complicated DIY.
I'm tidying, shopping, garden and other stuff.
So we all do our jobs and the house functions.
I know it sounds odd, but it works for us.

I shall send you DS1 then - he is simply the most arguementative person you could ever meet, and could start a fight in an empty room! If he perceives unjustness (pointed at him, not so bothered about anyone else!) then you'll know all about it

Goblin - don't know if I've read that right -if you came home and the chore hadn't been done, then you'd put the consequence in place and do the chore yourself?

Does it help to know that I've had decades of teaching this age group, up to 13?

It happened every now and then, I'd come home and DD hadn't done the washing up.
So I'd turn off the internet and wash up because we needed the dishes to have dinner. She'd fuss and say she was going to do it, I'd smile and say too late. No internet that night.
She must have been around 12 when that happened a few times. Now it works as a system.
When she goes to uni in September, I'm going to have to do a reshuffle.

So why do mine not seem to learn then - I'm very impressed that your DD seemed to get the message after a few occasions, but I'd still be doing the washing up, and they'd still be doing without the internet 6 months down the line! Which is what is happening now with their consequences.

I think the next step is a family meeting, where it will be spelled out in words of one syllable. They go back to school on Wednesday, and we'll be back to normal with work etc, so things will improve or else. I also intend to write the chores down on a rota for the week, allocated to each of them, with the consequences for both non-completion of chores and arguing set out in black and white. Verbal instructions are evidently not adequate for the gruesome twosome.

Turning off the internet wouldn't work with DS as a sanction, putting his lego box in the garage for a time did.
I remember another poster with a son with Asperger's saying that one of her sanctions was to take a sock off him.
Getting cross and yelling doesn't work with my Aspie, nor do emotional blackmail/appeals. Logic, rewards and sanctions make sense if they are kept to.
If yours don't care, then you need to get creative about the consequences. We have a job rota, and we're all on it.

I had a "chat" with mine yesterday and explained I was getting fed up with battling for anything to be done

When i got home from work at lunch time dd11 had emptied the dish washer and tied up the breakfast things from me, her dsis and herself, she had also done her rooma nd swept the kitchen floor

She had taken my dad in to show her room when he had popped in as he rang me later and said what a good girl she was

I have got to see whether it lasts long...

The sock is one approach I hadn't thought of - anything's worth a go! Yes, a rota seems one way forward, and whilst our consequences do bother them, it doesn't seem enough to stop them not doing it again for some reason. For example, DS1 is now at high school, and is allowed £3 on a Tuesday to go to town for his lunch instead of a packed lunch in school. This is just heaven to him, and he adores the freedom and independence so one of his consequences is that I will remove this privilege if he doesn't pitch in. He is inconsolable when this happens, but the same thing can happen again the following week - and sometimes I just think, will you never learn? You only bring it on yourself, no point in complaining, DS.