MIL spoiling DD who now she she doesn't like my parents

[manchestermummy]

Ever since DD was born (she's 2.10) MIL has spoiled her rotten. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but my MIL lavishes toys and all sorts on her every time we visit (once every other week). She isn't wealthy and is in a lot of debt. My parents rarely spoil DD 'materially', as it were: it's finding a biscuit for her, drawing pictures, building playing card towers, having loooong chats. They won't ever buy her anything (even if they've seen something they'd like to get) because of the vast amount of stuff MIL gets her; they don't want to duplicate/contribute to our significant storage problems. Recently though DD has started saying that she doesn't want to see my parents, only MIL. This hurts me. So my parents aren't perhaps 'generous' in what they spend on tat, but are VERY generous in other ways.

DH says he'll have a word, but he has done before. She never listens.

My parents love DD just has much as MIL, but small children maybe can't quite see that, and I just don't know what to do!

You need to either tell her yourself that you know she loves your DD but she can show that in other ways. Although the gifts are appreciated you want it to stop.

If she does give DD anything could you take it off her and save it for Christmas?

You really need to stop it now though.

That is hard.

Very odd though that she has got sooo attached to 'stuff' so early? DS is the same age and oblivious.

Definitely agree that your DH needs to stop it. Just tell her that you are worried about DD becoming spoilt and so are going to donate all toys given for anything other than Christmas and birthday straight to charity. That should at least give her pause for thought.

If she insists on giving DD the presents, could you possibly take them from MIL and say you will give to your DD at an appropriate time? Or ask her to keep all the toys she gives DD at her house?

If it were me ( and I know this is going to sound really harsh), I would sell/give away some of the toys she had given your DD, or hid them in the attic and pretend you sold them. When is is next round and comments "oh where is X?" Say to her "Oh I sold it/gave it to xxx". It wasn't something we had bought DD and we don't have the room" or "she has far too many toys etc". MIL will soon get the message! And if she doesn't, keep selling things till she does! Or bag up everything she has given DD and take it to her house and explain you want it all left there!

The idea of getting her to keep all the stuff at her house is a good one. She should soo get fed up of storing it all and DD will have to leave them behind.

My MIL often buys books and little toys for the Grandchildren but she does keep them at her house. She also doesn't give them to a particular child, she just puts them on the book shelf or in the toy box and makes sure that they all know that all the toys and books belong to all the Grandchildren.

My cousin told her mother that she couldn't take the kids to see her as much if she gave them a present everytime. She explained it was because she didn't want her kids to just love her for the presents. Maybe you can tell your MIL this?

My children have a slight preference for MIL over my parents too. I don't think it's because she buys them things (she does but only magazines and smarties), it's because she has a great connection and ability with very young children. And my parents love my children and play with them and have a great relationship with them, but their lives don't revolve around them in the same way when they see them.

As the children have got older their preference for MIL is becoming less. I think your dd will start to appreciate your parents more as she becomes older too.

So essentially I'm suggesting ignoring it, try to keep reminding your dd not to hurt your parents' feelings by saying she doesn't want to see them, and talk about how much they love her and enjoy her.

Have just seen Alibabaandthe40nappies's post and think this is a fab idea: "Just tell her that you are worried about DD becoming spoilt and so are going to donate all toys given for anything other than Christmas and birthday straight to charity. That should at least give her pause for thought."

We have a similar issue. When MIL is around ds, she lavishes 100% attention on him to the point of ignoring others (and I worry what will happen when dc2 comes along and this can't continue. She has specials toys just for him and always brings a bag of books to read (this is ok, but it feels as if he has been 'trained' to look for them - not her- and expect them to be read, so of course this is what he does).

My parents but little gifts, but are like me in that they feel we should like people for who they are and not what they give. My mum is also disabled, so can't play in the same way MIL can.

I hate it as well, but can't really see a way around it as in a way she is actually doing nothing wrong (and I have other issues with her, so have to be careful I don't seem to be 'out to get her'). The thing I keep telling myself is that although ds loves the attention now, her kind of attention will get quite suffocating when he is older and the way my parentas are will allow him to be much more himeself. MIL is setting herself for a fall as he won't always like the 100% attention etc. I think anyway...

Anyway, sorry for the rant in my post, I just wanted you to know you are not alone!!! (My ds is just a tiny bit older than yours)

Thanks - I can see I have to put a stop to it. She buys mountains of clothes too but these seem easier to deal with. We do keep some stuff at hers, and some of the more bizarre bits (newborn socks six months ago; DC2 is due in three months but we don't know what it is) have been given away either to friends or to charity.

Sorry should have added - socks were pink.

We have a similar situation in that PILs often buy DD more things, and will usually have something new in the toybox when we visit. She has her own room there and stays over sometimes etc. Also they are younger and will take her out to places and do interesting things with her which also gives them the edge. DD is their first grandchild, and my Mums 12th, so she has to spread herself a little thinner on the ground hide !! She is also mildly disabled so restricted in what she can do play wise. It would be very easy for my Mum to fade into the background, which I am determined not to happen.

So I really try and treat the GPs the same to give her a balanced view. If I mention one side, I'll usually mention the other. I regularly visit my Mum and make a fuss of visiting Nanny for lunch midweek and we bring something nice as a treat. So it's something different, but still enjoyable for her, and makes her appreciate my Mum for diferent reasons. I say how excited Nanny is that we're going round, and mention that Nanny's been asking after her and things.

DD is now 3.5 and I notice that she plays up a fair bit more in front of PILs as she is used to alot more attention from them - I think they're noticing too and have reigned in the treats!!

I think it's nice to have a differing relationship with each side and I really think DD loves both sets. From what you've said what your parents are doing, sounds as though they will have much more of an impact on her in the longrun that any gizmo or gadget, and your MIL will probably notice that in time as well. It's awful when they have a 'Hello, what have you brought me?' attitude. My niece once said that to me and made me realise I'd been spoiling her and she only wanted me for my pressies!

So glad I found this. I have a major issue with the fairy bush in my mums garden! I asked her to stop buying weekly presents as ds had started wanting to go there for the new toys instead of seeing his grandparents.

So the next week apparently the fairies had left something in the bush for him!! It used to be a little thing from the pound shop these days it's a minimum £10 weekly gift. It's way out of hand. Ds runs past then to get to the bush asking what's there before he even
Looks at them. It's just too much. How do I get her to stop? He is the only grandchild for them but it so spoiled. I get ignored totally she allows his to talk over me and will turn from me mid sentence to answer my 3 year old!

Excuse my grammar damn phone is playing up

Broody, there's some good advice on here. Try pointing out that he goes straight for the gift rather than talk to her. Also, if she turns to talk to him, politely interrupt and tell your ds that he needs to say 'excuse me' before talking to adults. Then tell MIL that you are teaching him this, and would appreciate her help in teaching him it.

OP, tell her you don't want so many gifts and don't go so often if she can't stop herself. Or ask her to give dd a pound to put in a moneybox and then she can buy something for herself when she's 18 .