Can I get some ideas on how to minimise the impact of a three week separation from my 5 year old DS

[Bumblingbovine]

I know lots of parents spend that much time apart from their children sometimes but I recently spent a week away and Ds was quite upset by it (as was I) and I want some idea on how to minimise the impact on him

His dad will be at home with him but I am leaving on 10 Sept until 29 Sept and he starts back in year 1 on 6th Sept so I'll be away a lot of his first couple of weeks at big school .

My reasons for going are that my BIL died really suddenly a few weeks ago leaving my 18 year old niece and 16 year old nephew (who live in Italy) without parents as their mother (my sister) died 12 years ago. Dns both want to stay in Italy at least for a the next year or so.

Dns have an uncle out there but he is not very involved and their grandparents are very frail and obviously grieving so not really much use at the moment.

My older sister who doesn't have any children has organised three months off work to go out and stay with them until Christmas.

However s e is starting a new job in September so she needs to do a month or so at work before she goes to Italy.

My nephew starts school on 13 Sept and is in Italy with my older sister at the moment, they are both (and niece) coming back to the UK at the end of August. I said I would then go back to Italy on 10th Sept and stay with them until my older sister can fly out at the beginning of October.

It is all a real mess and not going is simply not an option as my nephew in particular just seems so lost and lonely at the moment and he most definitely still needs an adult around who is not his 18 year old grieving sister .

I can't take DS with me because it would disrupt his schooling too much but I think is is a very long time for me to be away from him so any ideas to help with this and probably more separations in the new year would be very gratefully received.

I need to go and do some stuff now but will be back in half an hour or so

thanks

I just wanted to reassure you that he will be fine. It's normal for this age children to be upset, but whatever you do here, someone will be distressed and I think better him who has his dad and will get you back in three weeks than the children who have just suffered a loss.

I left my for nearly two weeks when they were about a year old and three. I looked on it as an opportunity for some big time bonding with their dad, so not just the 'fun' stuff he normally did but an opportunity to do the day to day stuff of washing their school kit, taking them to and from school, cooking together and so on.

Also, I'd try and give him a sense of how long three weeks is, so 21 sleeps or whatever, or three football practices on Sat so he knows that you will definitely return. As for whether you call him endlessly, I found it easier for everyone if I limited the phone calls to every few days, but the children blew me a kiss every night and talked about me coming back. That might differ for you, but if the phone call is late at night when they are tired and you are tired, it might be better done at a different time of day (say first thing) rather than have everyone get too emotional. Finally, the old 'I'm going to bring you a present when I get back' never fails with my two! He may say he missed you or he doesn't like you going, again, I'd acknowledge it but don't focus on it too much, just a hug, a cuddle, 'I'm back now' and move on to something else.

I think what you are doing is really thoughtful and will be hard for you too, as emotionally you must feel upset. So, don't try to be supermum when you come back, you will still be a great mum if you take a short absence.

what about 'skype' so he can still see you and talk to you face to face?

so sorry to hear about your BIL, your DN and DNi have been through a lot.

As to making it easier for your DS, have you got Skype with a webcam? He might enjoy being able to see you as well as talk to you.

you will be at home for his first couple of days of school, that will help as well.

I think I'd bring him with me. It will be nice for your niece and nephew to spend some time with him. He's only Year 1 1, it is an exceptional circumstance, it would do much more harm for him to be apart from you.

The skype is a really good idea. I will ask dh about setting that up here. I think dns have skype already

Merle - Do you really think so? I was considering it but the fact that it is the first few weeks of the school year swung it for me. DS is not great with change and I was worried him having even more trouble settling later. He spent months settling in reception and he

I thought about dh flying out with DS for an extra long weekend (Say Thurs to Mon) in the middle but I wondered if that would be worse in a way as they would come back and I'd be staying there at th end of the weekend.

I really do think so, which surprises me as I am very pro-school, governor, mine only had 1 week at the end of year 1 out of primary school etc. Generally disapprove of hols in term etc.

I hear what you say about settling in etc. I just think it might be better for him to be with you, to be involved it what's happening in his family, even though it is very sad, see his cousins, perhaps gain some insight into their loss etc.

You think that you being away will unsettle him, so he's obviously sensitive and will miss you. You might find that you spend the time away dealing with all the emotional issues with your N&N and then have an emotional little boy to deal with when you get back.

My two boys are a bit older now (8&11). If it were me now I'd take the 8-year old and leave the older, as he's starting a new school, so he shouldn't really miss that.

Have just realised that you said he was starting a big school Year 1 - not Eng & Wales? I guess he could go in for the first few days, at least he'd know what to expect when you got back from Italy?

BB - what an awful situation for all of you, I'm so sorry.

I have stints away from littlemad as he goes to stay with his Dad - currently in the middle of our first 2 week stint but he'll be going to Dads for 3 weeks next summer.

Littlemad loves Skyping - I suggest short burst daily or a couple of times a day 15 mins or so (I get half an hour a week in one block as my ex is not very co-operative! If I had a choice I'd do a few mins each day.)

Agree with the 21 sleeps thing - it helps littemad a good deal.

Make a list of things he can try and do while you're away - little missions.

But I have to say I'd take Littlemad with me in your circumstances. Probably will be good for your DN/N and also for you.

3 weeks is not the end of the world for education and it will probably be less stressful for all of you to do that.

Good luck with all of it

We are in England but Ds's school is unusual in that the reception year is on a completely different site where they are with nursery children, don't wear unifrom etc. Year 1 is a big thing because he will be starting at the "Big school" with unifrom and he will have to settle in a whole new place with new routines etc. For him it is the start of proper school.

I will speak to the school in the first week back and explain the situation. Maybe dh could bring ds out after a I've been gone 10 days or so. Then dh could come home and leave ds with me. That way ds will have had a two week period to get used to school and then will have a bit of time off with me.

That might work a bit better

I also wanted to thank everone for their suggestions especially onetoomanycornettos and madascheese. I will take on board the little and often idea for calls and the skype suggestions

Thanks

I think i would be taking him with me, it would seem to be the best solution for everyone.

HE is not going to miss out on much schooling - read with him everyday, talk to him and he will soon catch up - this is exceptional circumstances

Im so sorry to hear this terrible news you must all be devastated

I actually wouldn't be thinking of taking him with me, unless there was no alternative, he has his dad at home and it's important to start school in a good routine if he's settled with some difficulty the year before. I find it a little strange that everyone thinks a 5 year old boy couldn't cope without one parent (when the other is present). My husband is currently out of the country for two weeks, and although the children were a little sad when he left, it's simply no big deal. The children are fine- is it really so different if mum goes away for three weeks? For a baby or young toddler, perhaps, but I think mothers are made to feel guilty if they are not attached to their children endlessly, but we don't perceive their dads going away for work like this in any way (I wouldn't say this if one parent or a very loved grandparent wasn't around to provide a secure base).

Plus, I'm sure that your niece and nephew need support and to grieve openly, and will appreciate you focusing on them. If you take a five year old who should have been starting school, they will be anxious about that (mine is having Big School anxiety already!), plus very anxious about the death of the BIL and you will have to manage his feelings/questions about death as it will be much more in his face than if you let him stay at home, continue with the normal routine etc.

Obviously, it may be that's not right for you, he may never spend time with his dad or you may feel he'd be too distressed, but I just wanted to say that I didn't think letting a child stay with the other parent whilst one deals with a bereavement is necessarily a bad thing (it's quite protective). You must do what's right for you, and I don't think missing the actual schooling is much of an issue in itself (it's more the settling, making friend, routine aspect that is).

I know I said I was worried about disruption to ds's "schooling" but I meant the routine/settling aspect of it not the "learning" as I know the latter is not a problem at this age.

DS really did have lots of trouble in reception so much so that we are starting down the road of assessment for any underlying disorder (yet another issue to complicate matters). By the end of reception he had settled much better but I am worried that what would probably have been a rocky start to new location etc will be worsened either by my absence or by his absence IYSWIM.

My absence is not something I feel I can do anything about so my dilemma is about what the effect of his absence from school would be. Also as onetoomanycornettos says, I am concerned that I am likely to be distracted and coping with heightened emotions etc and that ds may be better off in his normal safe routine with his dad even if he misses me.

Ds is extremely close to his dad and they spend loads of time together so I have no worries on that count.

What to do? I think I'll talk some more to dh (who feels I shouldn't take ds btw) and see what we feel is best.

Thanks for all the input it has given me ideas and made me at least think about whether I should bring ds at least for part of the time.

Wow sounds lke you've had a tought year.

TBH I'd settle for the thing that gave me the greatest sense of ease and try not to worry about the consequences too much because with a strong family set up (and it sounds like that what you have) you can get through diruptions to routine.

Why does DH think you should be taking DS?

Thanks madascheese

Dh thinks ds shouldn't go with me. He thinks he would be better off not missing school.

I think you are right re going with what feels right and if I'm honest it feels right to go for a couple of weeks without ds but somehow 3 weeks seems just too long so I'll talk to dh about the option of bring ds over to me for the last week.

It is also possible that dns may be happy to have their grandparents stay for a 4-5 days between me leaving and my sister arriving which would mean I could come back after 2 weeks so I'll discuss that with my sister as well.

We will almost certainly be all (DP,me and DS) flying over in the October half term anyway to let my sister have a holiday away

My sister hasn't really had a chance to take her holiday as it was cancelled when BIL died and will have spent all of August with dns, September starting a new job and the October/Nov/Dec with dns again.

So ds will spend some time with dns in October anyway which I do think would be nice.

Of course this is all without the worry of my job as well which I am seriously struggling to keep up with, with all this leave (chunks of which are unpaid)!

Anyway - one thing at a time as they say

He'll be upset but he'll be fine, iyswim. My mum left me for a month with my father when I was 4 as her auntie who'd raised her died. I was distraught for several days, my father tells me, but then I was absolutely fine. The mistake, my father says, was taking me to the airport to see her off. He wishes he'd just let me wave bye bye to her from home.

You do what you need to do - this is a very distressing time for you. Your DS will adjust quickly.

I agree with onetoomanycornettos in thinking that your niece and nephew may well need 100% of your emotional attention given the very sad circumstances of your visit and that leaving your son with his dad would be far preferable for that reason. I would send him lots of lovely letters and postcards and speak to him on the phone frequently.

What a difficult time for you and your family.

MHO is that it is a good idea for DS to settle into school and keep in his routine as much as possible.

Good luck with everything.

Just a thought; is there anyway you as a family could get your neice and nephew some sort of nanny/au pair? I know they are not babies but just thinking a jolly 25 year old antipodean could maybe live with them for a few months? Don't know how it would work, but just an idea...

I don't think it'll upset his schooling any more than being separated from you when he starts will do! I'm sure he'll settle in absolutely brilliantly just a bit later on if you can take him with you to Italy, and then be there for him 100% to help him settle in a couple of weeks after term starts.

I wouldn't take your DS it there are so many pros, missing school, upsetting his routine, missing his dad, more for you to contend with, given all this he will need more attention than he would at home, leaving you more frazzled amd less able to help your niece and nephew. I can only see only one pro in that you would not miss each other. It is a really caring and unselfish thing you are doing and your ds will be fine. Very sorry for your family losses. Good Luck.