Biting at nursery. What would you do?

[rockbudgie]

My dd has been at her nursery about a year and is nearly 2. She was bitten once, by an older child, in her first week. It was a nasty bite on her ear drawing blood and requiring a hospital visit. The staff seemed to take it seriously and accompanied us to the hospital. Despite this she settled in very well so I just accepted it and filed it under "these things happen".

Last week she was bitten by a child of about her age (her room is 0-2). It was unprovoked and the child bit her because s/he wanted the toy my dd had. The staff said they gave the child time out and spoke to the parents etc. Then the same child bit my dd again today in the same circumstances and apparently bit (at least) one other child too.

The staff appear to be taking it seriously and my husband (who picked her up on both days) has expressed concern. My question is would you just accept that these things happen or would you ask the nursery more about what they are doing/their policies if the child's behaviour doesn't improve etc? My dd still seems happy there and has never been distressed when we have left her (we shall see what happens tomorrow of course). I don't want to kick up an unnecessary fuss (or insult/upset the staff) but nor do I want to allow this behaviour to continue by not acting. I also worry a little if it will affect my daughter's behaviour.

Any advice greatly appreciated! Thanks

gosh, thinking about it ratioanlly, and thinking how i'd feel as the mother of a biter i guess i wouold say it's just one of those things, and your dd has been unfortunate

i think if it was my child that had been bitten repeatedly i'd be pretty upset tho!

i am not sure really what else the nursery can do.
I would def ask them what their policy is, and how they plan on keeping your child safe if she is being targetted specifically by one child.

Both my DC's have been victims of biters, just the way it goes. I was more upset with DD as she was bitten almost daily for about a week but I would feel so much wors being a parent of a biter.

Wow, bitten daily?! That's awful.

Thanks for your replies. I feel better now about talking to the staff more just for a little reassurance if nothing else.

I am realistic, I think, that these things happen and many, if not most, children go through this phase. Indeed, I suppose I am slightly reluctant to take this any further in the knowledge that one day it could indeed be me receiving the phonecall that my dd has been misbehaving...

One of my children was bitten (by same child) in nursery a few times in a fortnight - not as bad as yours, though, as no blood. I felt terrible at the time.

Then 18 months later, that child was the biter. It lasted for an agonising 3 weeks - the staff were very patient; separating him from other children - both as a sanction and a preventative.

So, I'd say it is one of those things, but you do need to assure yourself that you are happy with how the staff deal with the biter, and ask specifically for a few days of tactful separation between your child and that one - no big deal; just gives a bit of space for it all to settle down.

Good luck

How awful RockBudgie - it must be very upsetting for you .
As a parent of a 22-month old biter please let me assure you that it is extremely distressing and mortifying to find out that your little angel has been sinking her teeth into another child. I am absolutely horrified that my beautiful little girl is behaving in this way and am at a complete loss as to how to deal with it.

The biting only happens at nursery and seems to be triggered by frustration or self-defence. The nursery deal with it in much the same way as yours - a clear NO, some time out and then she is asked to give her victim a kiss & a cuddle to say sorry which she does willingly. I keep being told that it's just a phase and she goes for weeks with no incident and then starts doing it again, more recently when she changed rooms.

If you have any suggestions as to what a parent of a biter might do to stop this habit I'd genuinely be really interested to hear them

This is the worst age for biting. It is upsetting, but if the nursery are dealing with each incident appropriately and consistently, which it sounds from your post that they are, it will get better.

Actually, while it's upsetting and unpleasant, I'd rather have a bitee than a biter. The parents of the biters go through such paroxysms of guilt and awkwardness that I feel very sorry for them, especially as it's nothing they've done that's caused it.

My DD was also bitten a couple of times in a short space of time (although nowhere near as seriously - poor thing). The nursery responded much like your's; eg child separated, kept a firm eye on etc. I also considered whether to talk about it. Decided on balance that if there were a third incident I would speak to the manager. Not to make a fuss, because I felt that they were doing all that they could, short of the ultimate which is to have the child shadowed at all time (although they will do that if necessary), but just to furher raise it, as it were.

Fortunately, it seems to have been a short-lived thing, so I never spoke to the manager.

Dreadful all round, but sounds like the nursery are taking a consistent and appropriate response. However, not unreasonable to speak about it if you would like.

After what you've experienced I don't think you can call being concerned / bringing it up "making an unnecessary fuss".

My son's nursery has a strict policy : First bite and you're sent home for the day, 2nd bite (that you inflict, obviously) you get kicked out of the nursery completely. They print this rule on their paperwork, its set in stone.

DS was a biter and I had to go into nursery a couple of times to talk to the manager about his behaviour - the humiliation. Ultimately it was put down to him being youngest in group. He's an August baby and they kept them roughly in school year groups, so he was mixing mainly with children almost 1 year older than him. It was very much frustration that he couldn't communicate / interact in the same way they could.

Horrible time for us especially as he was known as "the biter" in nursery - even though he was bitten worse than he ever bit. He used to tell me who he had bit and why and who had bitten him and why. Usually he would bite because the older boys wound him up by taking toys from him. They knew that this would upset him and thought it funny (manager admitted this to me!). So, he was the biter but also the victim. All very difficult.

Ultimately there is no way you can stop a child biting. You need to ensure that the nursery has good policies in place about helping child/parent with this and are consistent in their approach to it.

That's a bit of a harsh policy don't you think madmothership??? How the heck do you explain that to a one-year-old, particularly when they are reacting instinctively and are too young to understand that kind of consequence?

Fortnately not all nursery's take such a draconian stance otherwise I'm sure DD will have worked her way through all the local nursery's by now.

Whoops - apologies for appalling grammar: nursery's nurseries

sent home for the day - reward for child then in my opinion how odd?

Anyhow OP, how awful for your little one, unfortunately lots do go through this stage. You should chat to manager/staff to get some reassurance, they won't mind.

When DD started nursery we had something similar, she was bitten 2 or 3 times in a very short space of time. We were satisfied that the nursery dealt with it effectively and just put it down as 'one of those things' really. I don't remember it happening again after those times. There was also one week where DD bit another child and hit someone else, and I felt mortified- would rather have a child being bitten than a biter.

I have to agree. It's easier to have the bitee than the biter. Even if it is somewhat upsetting.

I did speak to the nursery and am reassured by what they said/are doing. Although the child in question is only 1 so it's a tricky situation to deal with. But it seems far from being victimised my dd is actually good friends with this child which is why there are problems when they play with the same toys.

That policy does sound crazy madmothership. I mean maybe fair enough with older children who should know better but surely that can't be applied to really little ones? Can it?

God I'd have been screwed if my nursery had the same policy as madmotherships!

DS2 was a biter. It was horrific - 2 days a week in nursery and 1-2 bites a day. I was in tears at times because of it. The nursery was fantastic - they ended up putting 1-1 support in place for him so they could monitor him and prevent him. It cost them money and time, but it did have a good result. They also moved him rooms - there are 2 rooms for 2-3 year olds and he was separated from everyone he knew from the previous 2 rooms. I was very nervous about this to start with, but it has worked fantastically and we've only had 1 incident since. I always said I would have much rather had a bitee than a biter!

I think your nursery are doing well but keep on at them, especially if it seems that its only your child being biten by the same child each time - when this was happening at my nursery DS2 was taken to visits to other rooms to remove him from that situation. He also went there when they did "group" activities such as soft play as he couldnt be monitored as easily.

I should have clarified - the nursery is FROM age 3. No 1 yr olds being sent home not understanding. Three year olds are completely able to understand, the policy works and I feel safer for it. But we're in the US at the moment which may be why the policy surprises some of you (we are from London).