What constitutes "leaving to cry"?

[ButterpieBride]

I keep reading that it is damaging to leave a baby to cry. I don't understand where to draw the line though- I have to sometimes put the baby down (I have spd so can't have her in a sling all the time) and sometimes she has days where she cries if not held. If I just sat and held her all day and night I would never get anything done, including going to the toilet, getting dressed, playing with DD1, even basic housework or meal prep, etc. Also sometimes I just have to put her in her cot and go and have a brew, and she goes to sleep FINALLY. Also, sometimes we have to go places so she has to ride in her pram as I can't carry her very far. Also she hates the carseat with a passion, so if we get a lift anywhere, she cries all the way. She is nearly 9m.

Also, how does it work with older children? Sometimes DD1 (3.5yo) gets so het up that anyone near her gets kicked and she cries like she is going to be sick and the only solution is to put her in her room quietly so she can calm down. Is that leaving to cry? I have tried sitting quietly next to her and she just shouts at me.

I'm not a neglectful mother am I? I'm so, so tired, and if I'm not allowed those five minute breaks every now and again I don't know how I'll cope!

You're doing just fine.

Some people don't like the idea of "leaving to cry" but others think it's really important.

You have successfully managed to strike a balance between your needs, those of DD1 and DD2. No-one should criticise that. Well done. :)

No, no, not at all.

What people are talking about is leaving babies to cry for long periods of time, regularly. I have friends who left their 4 month olds for up to an hour to "teach them to sleep". What you're describing is totally different, and your little one is learning that she is safe and will be responded to. And she's not alone a lot of the time, is she? Just been put down for a bit, which is rather different from being alone and unresponded to for long periods.

Nine months is a really tricky time for separation anxiety, so I do feel for you. My 20 month old still cries when I leave her in a room, even when her Dad's right there (and he spends two days a week at home with her, it's not like he's a stranger).

Older children is a different matter altogether - your daughter knows you love her and are there for her and will respond to her emotionally. It sounds like you are responding to her emotionally by leaving her alone, actually, because you've learnt that's what she needs.

You're doing fine. I'm sorry it's so hard at the moment.

Well, the other thing is, if they are both crying out of tiredness at the same time, I am generally bloody exhausted myself, and you can bet it will be when DP is out. What on earth can you do in those situations? If we are generally tired, we can all cuddle up in the big bed, but you can't cuddle up with a screaming baby and a kicking and biting child.

It's the consistently being ignored that is harmful. And, besides, it's about weighing up the pros and cons, just like it is with everything in life, and particularly wrt parenting. What is more dangerous to the child, crying for a while? Or not being cared for properly because mum is so exhausted she can't stand up straight!?

Toddlers are another matter entirely. They're not crying because they're frightened they've been abandoned. They're either having a maniplutive tantrum (rare IME, if they are mostly being taken seriously by their parents) or they've got so cross they've frightened themselves and they've lost control (have you read 'Angry Arthur'?). Toddlers and young children don't understand anger, and can get very scared at how powerful it can be - they don't know that they haven't broken everything by getting that angry.

Some toddlers in that situation (I call them meltdowns, but some people don't like that!) like to be held, and have their anger contained. Others don't. All you can do is sit near her and wait until she's ready to come and cuddle up to you. You're not still breastfeeding her, are you? I've always found that all toddlers can be enticed out of a meltdown by a breastfeed! If not, do whatever works. Meltdowns are different to 'I'm going to try to get mummy to give in' tantrums and, IMO, should be dealt with as quickly as possible. Do whatever works. If you know that picking them up and taking them outside always works, do it; if you find emergency chocolate always works, do it. Proper meltdowns are not, IMO, good for children and your job is to help them learn to manage them, and that is not done by ignoring them and walking off. It's done by showing them physically that you still love them, and they haven't broken your love by being angry. They learn by an apprenticeship approach - you do it for them at first, and gradually they take on more and more of the job themselves until they're old enough that you can say 'do you think you need to remove yourself from the situation to calm down now?' and they agree and go off somewhere, or maybe even it being pointed out that their emotions are getting out of control is enough to calm them down.

That's what I think anyway! :-)