should my son go to his grandmothers funeral?

[Jethers]

My son is three and his (paternal) grandmother has just died. The service is at a crematorium with a humanist celebrant. Should he go with us? On the one hand, I don't want him to have any traumatic memories but on the other, I'm not sure its right to try to pretend that such things don't happen. Perhaps it would be good to try and show him that grief can be ok? What do other people think, and does anyone else have experience of this? Thanks!

does he want to go? Do the family want him to? Personally I wouldn't at that age, I would read him a suitable book about death instead, but each to their own.

I think it depends on how you and his dad feel. If you are going to be very upset, that is likely to be more distressing for him than the loss. Also, if he is going to be noisy, it may annoy older relatives.

In general I am in favour of kids going to funerals, but I would tend to think that 3 is too young. My twins went to a funeral of a great uncle when they were 6, and actually asked if they could speak, which they did beautifully. I thought they might be concerned about standing by the coffin, but they were fine.

My kids went to their grandmother's funeral when they were 6, 4 & 2. Everyone was happy to see them there as they brightened things up and gave people something else to talk about.

I think they should have the chance to say goodbye like everyone else, they won't get it again.

Agree with jaybrid - kids should be allowed to go to funerlas but I think 3 is too young . Kids should be allowed to go only if they want to and you talk to them about it first - 3 may be too young for that.

My Dad died earlier in the year an my son age 9 came with me - I talked to him about it first and he wnated to come - my other son 7 wasn't ready for it.

As long as you talk to him or at least try your best and explain in his terms what has hapned you will not be pretending it hasn't happened if he doesn't go to the funeral.

I took my 3 children to my Grandmother's funeral, they are 12, 10 and 2.5. I would have preferred not to take my youngest but as all the family were there and it was away from home I had no-one that I could leave him with without freaking him out by leaving with a stranger. I was very upset but my youngest fell asleep in my arms and his request to go to the park as we lowered the coffin stopped me from getting upset again. He didn't understand what was going on and hasn't shown any signs of being upset by it all. Very difficult decision when you have a choice, you can only go with what 'feels' right, and you may change your mind on the day so a backup plan would be good if possible. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I took my 3 children to my Grandmother's funeral, they are 12, 10 and 2.5. I would have preferred not to take my youngest but as all the family were there and it was away from home I had no-one that I could leave him with without freaking him out by leaving with a stranger. I was very upset but my youngest fell asleep in my arms and his request to go to the park as we lowered the coffin stopped me from getting upset again. He didn't understand what was going on and hasn't shown any signs of being upset by it all. Very difficult decision when you have a choice, you can only go with what 'feels' right, and you may change your mind on the day so a backup plan would be good if possible. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

Didn;t take 4 yr old DS to his graet grans funeral, did take him to teh funeral tea afterwards.
decided that as DH was reading the eulogy and
didn't want a small boy shouting " hi daddy" in middle of service. And whilst at our church its Ok for him to wonder about a bit that is less appropriate at a strange church mid funeral service. And as DS is very blunt and loud about what happens when your dead type questions it would be simpler if I took DS and a baby cousin for a walk and play at the rec while service took place.

We explained it all to him and he understood that the tea was a time for GGs friends and family to remember her and talk about her.

We took our 3yo (and my 12 and 10yos) to my father's funeral. We asked a neighbour to be on hand to take him out and play with him if he got restless, which he did after a bit, but it was ok and I'm glad he was there.

Although he didn't really understand what it was all about, he does remember it and that will help him understand when he is older.

My DN went to my mum's funeral when he was about 4 (I think). My sis had prepped him beautifully and there was a friend on hand to take him out if he cried etc. He spent the time of the service drawing a picture and after the service, marched straight up to the celebrant and asked him to "give this to my nan". He knew what was happening, and it was his way of saying goodbye.

A crematorium service is only about half an hour, so I think that your DS would be ok. But do have a plan B should he get fractious - perhaps someone who would be able to take him outside.

You wouldn't believe how unfazed children are about death and dying - a lot of 'perceived problems' are invariably due to the fact that most adults are uncomfortable because of their own issues surrounding death & dying.

I was 42 1/2 when DD was born; consequently she has known 4 deaths in 2 years.

She was 3 when my grandma died - I explained to her that she had died because she was very old (94) and her body had stopped working. If you keep it simple then they don't get mixed messages.

DD didn't come to the funeral only for the fact that it was a full blown catholic service. But she was at the wake, and my mum & I take her to the grave regularly (to pay respects & water the flowers!)

My father died when she was 4; he didn't want a funeral but she helped us to scatter his ashes. She was able to talk about great grandma being buried and by the end of it all, understood that cremation was another thing that happens to your body when you die.

My father had a brain tumour, but died of other complications before we could find out whether it was cancerous or not. However, it helped DD understand that when bits of your body stop working - especially important bits like your heart - you can die; because a year later her uncle had a massive heart attack and died. My EH refused to let her go to the funeral - but that was because his family have huge issues surrounding death.

My sis-in-law died earlier this year and was cremated. But she wanted a service so DD (6) was able to see it first hand. We did explain that people would be sad and why. We were all in the family cars together, & I did the Eulogy, so DD was very much part of the whole thing.
She was absolutely brilliant, going about patting people on the arm if they were upset, then entertaining them at the wake afterwards.

Obviously, I don't have any issues about death & dying - it's a final act of living and should be a celebration .

But I fully understand why people find it very difficult to cope with death. And struggling to do the 'right thing' where DC are involved.

Hope that this has helped you and others who may be reading.

I took my three year old son to my grandads funeral. It was in a church and there was a small room off the church where he and his cousins could go if they were bored or restless. But he behaved very well and the whole ser vice was a very family orientated one - a true celebration of a life and I think it would have been wrong to have excluded my son from this. However we didn't go to the crematorium afterwards. The following year his grandmother died and againboth my boys (aged 5 and 2) went to the funeral with their cousins of a similar age. This ceremony included a burial. I talked about this with my older son beforehand and he seemed unphased by this. A funeral isn't the easiest of occasions for a child, but it is part of dealing with a death and I considered it important that they should have the chance to say goodbye along with the rest of the family.