I'm not sure if I am on the right thread.....

[jasminelab]

Hi, Im new here, only joined today. I'm part way through Babies, The Mumsnet Guide and loving it.

Does anyone else have a partner that is totally useless with regards to the baby. My Downs baby is six weeks old and I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times he has fed her in that time and he has never changed a nappy. He doesn't offer help I have to ask and even then it's done in his own time. This can take 20 minutes or more and in that time I have fed and changed her. No way am I going to leave a baby screaming for 20 minutes while he makes up his mind what he is going to do. He sleeps through the night as we are in separate rooms so he doesn't get woken up. He does work. But if he gets just half an hours sleep less than he thinks he should have he is as moody as hell, and can't get up for work in the morning. I have been known to be feeding and changing baby while trying to make sure he isn't late for work! I am so sleep deprived and I am snapping at him a lot. I feel like a single parent. In fact my mother was a single parent and she had tons of help from her own family. When we have appointments at the hospital and I mention things he butts in saying stuff like 'well I have seen no evidence of that' which usually ends up with me snapping back 'well you won't have will you'. We are going to end up having a massive arguement or splitting up at this rate. And he's always trying to touch me even though I tell him I am not ready and don't want that yet. I usually have to tell him three or four times to lay off. I'm too tired. I have also had a c-section.

you have so much going on he should be supporting you loads more than he is

could you leave him on his own with your daughter, even just for an hour while you have a walk or a long bath?

Is he having trouble coming to terms with everything that has happened? Maybe your health visitor could recommend some support groups to go to

are your family able to help you in the day when he's at work?

Why are you in separate rooms If you really want him to see how much work goes into looking after a young baby you need to give him a kick actively encourage him to participate - and that includes the night wakings!

I think its time for you to sit down and have a serious discussion about managing your workload. He might work full time hours but you work all the time hours!

He is very set in his ways. He is an older first time parent and he has been spoken to numerous times by the midwife and health visitor and he is surrounded at work by male colleagues who have just had babies and they talk all the time, and they are very hands on. I can't trust him to have her on his own. I have done that but if he decides to watch TV or do something else then that is it, she may as well not exist. He is so easily distracted. Put it this way, he went to put her moses basket with her in it on a very high, narrow unstable table the other day. Both ends of the basket were overlapping the table and the sides as well. I am afraid to leave her with him as he doesn't notice anything. I picked him up on it the other day and he said he can't do two things at once. He can't watch TV and watch her as well. I suggested he switched the TV off.......

He doesn't want the baby in with him as he needs his sleep. I have had numerous discussions with him. I just can not get through to him, neither can the mid wife or health visitor. When I pointed out that I know our baby's health issues better than he does he said he would have to take my word for it. I said if he doesn't want to take my word for it then he can always do a night and see for himself and then he can tell the consultants what he witnesses. He backed off and said that I know he can not possibly do that.

In baby's red book the health visitor has actually written 'father not helpful'!

Poor you, that sounds very tough. I agree with Compo, leave him with the baby while you go out. Do not stay in the house as you will probably not be able to switch off in the house (I couldnt) Also leave for 2-3 hours as that means she will be awake at some stage and he will have to engage with her.
In the meantime, I would ask him to do something and if he leaves your DD crying then maybe say something like 'look at the poor thing, so upset, we couldnt possibly leave her like that' and if he doesnt jump to it, then you see to her. I would then wait until you are feeling calm and rationally explain how his actions are impacting the family (from my own experience, emotional new mummy screaming doesnt get you anywhere!)
With regards to pestering you, he sounds like he is acting like a child looking for attention. Perhaps he doesnt like the idea that he is not your Number 1 anymore, but he will have to deal with that, a nice dinner out might help though.

As Comp also mentioned, maybe he is finding the fact that DD has downs difficult to come to terms with. I think as Mums we are just programmed to love and protect our babies, Dads can sometimes take a bit longer.

I remember having an awful argument with my DH about a week after I had DD. He said awful things and seemed very harsh. I think it was down to him being stressed and me being let down by his general uselessness. I never quite forgot this but he is a superb dad and really that was a blip. Its a stressful time and I am sure it will get better for you - Hang on in there.

This behaviour is simply unfair on you and your baby. Does he have issues with her Downs status? It might sound simplistic but if he really loves you and loves the child you have together then he would take his finger out of his arse and step up and be a proper father. This means actually physically care for the baby and support his partner in her recovery from the birth, never mind pestering her for sex - thats just creepy imho.

My husband was useless at the nightime stuff, and he does have a very physical job and early starts so I let this go. He is also a hopeless cook. He was however very hands on from day one with nappies, bottles, taking for walks etc so I could rest. Men are not as good as women at just seeing what needs to be done, and they sometimes have to have it spelt out. My H got better at all this as time went on and now that our kids are older the childcare is more or less 60/40.

If your h is not going to treat the family as a joint effort and be humble enough to be willing to learn then he is, frankly, a selfish idiot.

Hi Jasmine

I am sorry but I didnt actually get the rest of your messages before I posted my previous post.

I think none of us believe that anyone can look after our newborns like we can, however you need to let him look after her or else you will be a single mother.

My DH let 8 month DD fall off the changing unit while I was abroad with work. I almost lost my mind, despite this I wouldnt dream of not letting him watch her, he is generally very careful of her.
I disagree with the other posters on the sleeping arrangements but you need a break when he gets in from work.

You are only 6 weeks over a section with a new baby, I wouldnt make any decisions yet but no matter what happens you sound like you are a great Mum and your DD will undoubtedly bring you great joy.

Good luck and please [post when you need any advice, this was the toughest time of my life !

Hi jasmine it sounds like you are having such a hard time! FWIW my Dh was pretty useless at first. Our DD doesn't have any health issues, but was 6 wks prem and spent a week in the SCBU. DH was totally lathered when she was born and found it really hard to bond with her when she was little. I felt frustrated about lots of the things you talk about- he just didn;t take care of her the way she needed taking care of. I got some good advice on here to try to back off and leave him to it (don't know if you are able to do that with your DD if she has health issues, but even if you could pop out for an hour or so it might help). Of course, you know him best, but when I look back on that first period now I know that I could have left her with him. Yes, she might have cried for longer than I would ever have left her, and it is possible that he would have taken risks that I would not have been happy with if I had been there (like the table incident) but he would not have actually let any real harm come to her and being solely in charge would have meant he had to start to appreciate everything I was doing.

As she has got older he is much, much better now and has more of an idea of what to do with her, and how to take care of her. In fact, we now split the child care 50/50 and both work part time and it works out really well for us. I definitely had days near the start when I thought I would be better off on my own, but it was the hormones, the lack of sleep and getting used to the huge life change as much as how useless he was. I am so glad now that I stuck at it, and worked at our relationship too, as I have someone to talk about how fabulous my DD is with, and to share all the joys and frustrations with.

Your situation might be very different, I just wanted to share my experience with you.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

You have an equal entitlement to sleep! You need enough sleep to function and do your job as well. And looking after a baby should be an equal responsibility- when he's there he should be doing 50% of the work.

I can totally relate to what Jeffily said, I actually remember thinking that I would be better on my own and this is a mix of hormones and total tiredness.
Now although care is not quite 50/50, as I work less days than DH, it is certainly close.

Men are often shockingly useless at the little baby stage (not an excuse though)

Re sleep, can he do Friday and Saturday, thats what we used to do. It also depends on his, some jobs are easier than others to be less than 100%.

I wondered if it was to do with the downs. But he is so optimistic about it though. I'm the one who fell apart when we were told. He says to take it day by day, milestone by milestone, there is no point worrying about the future when we do not know the extent of the DS. That bit we are in complete agreement on. I am scared to leave him on his own with her as he is so easily distracted. My mother has said the same that he needs to be much more alert than he is. My mother has the same fear as me, that she could hurt herself and he would not even notice. It has happened with me too. I was in a lot of pain one evening and he was watching television and I said that the pain from the c-section was bad and all I got was 'oh is it'. An hour later he asked me what was wrong and I said I have told him what's wrong and he said 'sorry didn't hear you I was watching something'. He actually said to me that he can not do two things at once, he can't watch the baby and watch TV at the same time. He can't work and help me with the baby. And he has to have 'me' time when he gets home in the evenings. I did have him up for one feed at 3.00am and he was only out of bed for half an hour, later that afternoon he was holding her and he dropped off to sleep if I hadn't grabbed her she would have fallen on the floor. When I pointed it out to him he said he had been awake at 3.00am and what did I expect. The two or three times he has done a night feed he is so desparate to get back to his bed that he practically forces the milk down her and she chokes. Or she will stop for a second and he's 'she doesn't want it' and off he goes.

What a nightmare he sounds. You may as well be a single parent.

Could you move to your Mums for while to get some help from her?

He sounds like a very selfish individual. I'm not sure what the chances of him changing are though.

Midwife and health visitor think he won't change at all. I am wondering if he will fare better when baby is a bit older.

Perhaps they are right. He obviously is very set in his ways and does not seem to be making any allowances at all for the fact that you now have a baby. He clearly does not want to change his life at all.

This is really not on, you poor thing. I mean, sure, a lot of men really struggle to make the adjustment, but if the HV and midwife are noting this on forms, you have an actual problem. This whole thing about not being able to watch her and watch TV, and yet not turning off the TV, FFS.

I agree with Eglu, is it an option to move back to your Mums temporarily, just while the baby is tiny and things are so hard? Let your twat partner think about that.

I think he sounds like a liability, you need some help, if he isn't going to be it then you need to get it from someone else not muddle through alone.

Hi jasmine. So sorry you are having difficulties, I must say I agree with the others here, it sounds more or less like you are a single parent at the moment :(.

I'm wondering if there is a latent non-acceptance of your DD's downs? Your DP seems to be a bit of a lazy moron anyway, but I'm thinking if you were both to go to a support group or something like that, he might wake up to the amount of care your DD needs and how he needs to be considerate of her future (and the future of the whole family for that matter). I would personally try this tactic before moving out.

I can't quite believe he thinks not being able to take care of your DD and watch the TV at the same time means there is a freaking choice! Your baby comes first, not a shadow of a doubt.

Whatever you decide to do, you do need things to change and sharpish, this is going to wear you down physically and emotionally and that's certainly not good for your LO. If he really won't change, you might need to make the decision to end the relationship. He sounds like a selfish bastard by the sounds of things, but I would give a support group a shot at getting him to change the way he is.

Best of luck sweetheart. x

Hi Jasmine, reading your posts your DH sounds exactly like my DH.

My DH found the baby phase incredibly difficult and found that he was resentful of this "screaming thing" (his words) that had come into his life and turned it upside down. He also felt incredibly guilty because when he looked at our DC he didn't feel anything for them. If he was to hold the DC then he would ignore them and spend the entire time looking at his phone or the PC (DC is now a World Of Warcraft master).

I think your DH is struggling with fatherhood and coming to terms with the fact that his and your lives have been forever altered by the arrivial of your DD and rightly or wrongly he is resentful of this fact. He is trying to re-connect with you the only way he knows how and the fact that he is surrounded by new dads at work who are hands on will only compound his feelings of uselessness.

I suggest when you have some time (which is rare I know) you try to get him to open up about his feelings.

In my experience (and I hope it is the case for you) as your DC gets older and her little personality comes through then he will come home from work one day with a big grin on his face and say that he was thinking of DC at work today and he got a warm fuzzy feeling in his tummy and he really missed them .

My DH is now a brilliant dad to our 2 toddlers (Yes he reluctantly agreed to a second DC and he was the same with this baby too), he is just rubbish with babies and I have come to accept that.

I have been banned from number 3 though .

I hope things get better for you soon and in the meantime enjoy your DD.